When making time for and building a new relationship, we expect there to be obstacles.
However, we don’t expect those obstacles to come in the form of repeated animosity from your new relationship’s teenage son. Even after marriage, Redditor PerspectiveSuitable found that her husband’s son, Avery, was determined to make her life difficult.
She took to the popular subReddit “Am I The A**hole?” or “AITA” to ask:
“AITA for making my husband choose between me and his son?”
The trouble started far before our original poster, or OP, and her husband tied the knot.
“I (39f[emale]) am married to Dave (44m[ale]), and he has a son named Avery (19m) and an ex wife named Dianna (42f.) Avery has always been hostile towards me, and blamed me for his parents’ divorce, despite his dad not meeting me until three years after.”
“I have tried my best to spend time with Avery, and I’ve been respectful of all the boundaries he set with me. Avery still hates me. It was fine with me, as long as he didn’t treat me like sh*t because he hates me.”
Once OP and Dave got engaged, it all got immediately worse.
“Well, Avery started treating me like sh*t when he found out his dad was marrying me. He threw a fit, saying his dad needed his permission before marrying me, and that he wouldn’t come to the wedding.”
“His dad and I let it slide, and sat down with Avery and Dianna to try and figure out why he was upset. It didn’t work, and Avery refused to see us until the wedding.”
And then, it all hit the fan at the wedding.
“At Dave and I’s wedding, Avery objected to us being married in front of everyone, and asked to make a speech in front of everyone later in the night. In his ‘speech,’ he told everyone what a horrible person I was, and that I was responsible for his parents’ divorce, and that I was a dirty homewrecker.”
“Dave drove Avery back to Dianna’s, but the damage was done, and several wedding guests assumed Avery was telling the truth. My wedding night was ruined because of this, and a good part of my family refuses to speak to me despite me explaining to them that this was not the case.”
He then engaged in some awful behavior, including causing the death of OP’s cat.
“Avery has continued to treat me like sh*t since then. He got mad at me once, so he dropped my cat off at a shelter two towns over, and refused to tell me where he was until he’d been put down.”
“I wanted to keep my wedding dress after the wedding, and he tore it to shreds. (Just two examples, I’ll give more if anyone wants them)”
With no other choice, OP was forced to give her husband an ultimatum.
“Finally, Wednesday, Dave and I had Avery over for dinner because Avery actually wanted to come. Long story short, when I went to get dessert and Dave wasn’t there, Avery confronted me in the kitchen and began screaming at me and told me that I was a horrible person, as well as some other not-so-nice things.”
“Dave eventually came in, Avery left, and I got pissed. I told Dave that I was tired of his son constantly attacking me and treating me like sh*t because of something he knows didn’t happen, and that I’d put up with his bullsh*t for the last six years.”
“I told him that he had to make a choice between me and Avery, because I wasn’t putting up with Avery’s sh*t any longer, and if it was a requirement of being married to Dave, I’d be filing for divorce. Dave told me it wasn’t fair to make him make this decision, and I told him it might not have been fair, but it wasn’t fair of him to let his son harass and attack me for years.”
She was left with the question:
“AITA for making my husband choose between me and his son?”
Anonymous strangers on the internet weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Everyone agreed that OP was at the end of her rope.
“NTA. Reading the headline I was fully prepared to declare you as TA, but what a tale of an horrendous son!!!”
“It sounds like your husband doesn’t know how to pull him into line and correct him on the basics – like you didn’t meet until 3 years after separation – and that doesn’t bode well for the rest of the things.”
“This kid needs some therapy, he clearly has anger issues, having your cat put down… I don’t know how you can move past that one.”
“You are definitely NTA for reaching your limit, and I think it’s a massive credit that you haven’t presented this ultimatum before.”~whyamisoawesome9
“Yes! You have been more than patient and understanding and now it’s time for action.”
“Your husband’s son needs therapy for his behaviour because there are some serious anger issues and other tendencies coming through.”
“I am sorry you have been put in this position but either your husband steps up to be the man and sort this out or he moves out of the way and lets you live the rest of your life peacefully. NTA.”~smilley22
“NTA – normally I am against making a parent choose between you and their kid but this is a different situation all together. Avery is 19, he is near enough a grown adult and he is acting like a petulant child. He needs therapy.”
“The fact your husband has allowed his son to treat you like this is disgusting, that’s your husband, Avery might be his son but he should have put his foot down long before now.”
“If your husband allows this to keep happening, if he refuses to sit Avery down and make him understand he can’t do this anymore, then he doesn’t deserve to be married to you.”
“It’s not like your making him chose between you and a five year old who doesn’t know better. Avery is old enough to know his actions are wrong.”
“Also, for anyone saying everyone sucks here, this woman has put up with this abuse for years, years! I think it’s about time her husband dealt with this and this is probably the only thing that will make him grow a pair and deal with his son.”~KratosKittyOfWar
“NTA. He took your cat to a shelter and had it be put down? That’s some sociopathic behaviour, having an innocent animal get killed to get at you.”
“How did your husband react to that? How has he reacted to Avery’s other outbursts? What exactly is your husband doing to protect you from his son?”~Cocoasneeze
Others are saying that Avery’s behavior is something much deeper and darker than it even appears.
“This isn’t an AITA situation. Avery obviously has mental health issues, very deep ones. The essential problem is that neither of his parents are willing to admit that. Would you talk to them from that perspective?”
“19-year-olds are worried about girls, video games, having a job, schooling, even if they hate their step moms and blame their dads for their lives. Avery is unnaturally obsessed.”
“If I were in this situation, I’d make it clear to both parents that Avery needs a mental health evaluation pronto. If they refuse, that might be my signal to leave.”~LeMot-Juste
“When I read the title, I thought that you’d be the asshole for sure. But the truth is, he’s abusive. He’s caused your cat his life.”
“Literally this kid is a huge mess. I’d be packing my bags now if your husbands gonna be a wimp about it. I’d also suggest that if he ever does become violent towards you, don’t hesitate to press charges.”~Crusstacean
“NTA. Sounds like this 19 year old grown-a** adult needs to get some therapy to learn how to not act like a spoiled toddler. It’s your home too and you have the right to feel safe and secure in it, which includes not allowing psychos in.”
“If your husband still wants a relationship with his son, he can hang out at his place in the future.”~AmeriMeg
“NTA but I also think it is unfair to say he has to choose between you and his child.”
“However his son should not be allowed in your house again, even when you are not home. That should be a new boundary, and I hope your husband can support you on that.”
“His son has done some extremely hurtful and horrible things to you, and that should absolutely not be allowed to continue.”
“He can still have a relationship with his son outside of your home and without your participation. The son is an adult so there is no reason he needs to be coming over to your house.”~BeautifulBlahBlah
Killing a cat, though indirectly, is the symptom of a psychopath, according to Redditors.
“NTA And the son is a psychopath, that’s not normal behavior no matter how you look at it and your husband should’ve done something about it already without you even having to ask.”
“I understand if he doesn’t want to stop seeing his son but you have the right to forbid him from being in your house or around you anymore.”~forshitsandgiggles20
“NTA. I was ready to say YTA after reading the headline, but I’m amazed you’ve put up with that kid and his horrific actions for this long.”
“Dad is failing here by not keeping his son under control. If he can’t stop his actions, may be time for you to leave and even press legal charges if he tries crap like that again.”~Chairmanca93
“NTA. Your husband and his son are TA. He is responsible for defending you and setting boundaries with his son.”
“He has allowed him to continuously attack you for years and kill your cat. I would have left after that happened and the dad still did nothing.”
“If I were you I’d have another conversation that basically says ‘if you don’t finally do something about the way he treats me, I AM leaving. The choice is yours.’”
“He should have a very long overdue conversation with him about how the divorce clearly isn’t your fault, about how childish and cruel he’s acting, and get that kid into therapy because killing a cat is straight up psychopathic behavior.”
“It sounds like Avery has some serious undiagnosed mental health issues. He needs intensive treatment.”
“I’d be nervous his behavior could escalate to violence against you. He’s already shown a disregard for life.”~JDJK_2112
“He killed your cat. He KILLED YOUR CAT! You are so NTA in this situation.”
“I understand your husband doesn’t want to ‘lose’ his son, but it is totally unacceptable for him to allow his son to abuse you like this. I can’t believe this has gone on for 6 years, and he hasn’t given his SON an ultimatum: treat my wife with respect, or you’re not allowed in my house.”
“I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through. Good luck!”~ReformedZiontologist
Redditors unanimously agreed that setting this boundary was well past due for OP. They also agreed OP was Not The A**hole.
Though many were ready to say “YTA” for asking her husband to make an impossible choice, Avery’s behavior was just too disturbing to place the blame anyplace else.
As the urging of Redditors has said, hopefully OP takes action on this before Avery escalates to any violence toward her.