At first, a theme seems like a good idea, but sometimes the planning and execution take a turn.
The invite list can often be a bone of contention.
Often, themes require particular things, like clothing and attendance.
And some take it all very seriously.
Redditor cayrus wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for telling my friend her 7 y/o is not invited to my birthday murder mystery party?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (41 M[ale]) am having a 90s-themed murder mystery party for my birthday next week at a mutual friend’s house."
"My friend (42 F[emale]) has an 11-year-old daughter and a 7-year-old son, and our mutual friends have a 10-year-old daughter and a 9-year-old son who will all factor into the story."
"I am childless."
"For this specific murder mystery, we need at least 7 people for it to work."
"It is marketed for teens and adults (Mild violence, mild romance, and suggestive themes)."
"To get the requisite number of players, we had to invite the two elder girls."
"The 9 y/o boy is also not participating (EDIT: but lives at the host location), so will most likely be playing Minecraft in the other room the whole evening."
"That leaves the 7 y/o."
"I do not recall explicitly discussing with my friend whether her son could attend, until a couple of days ago when I asked her and her daughter about their costume plans."
"My friend told me not to talk so loud because they were trying to hide the party from her son."
"Fast forward to tonight, and she messaged me asking if it was okay for her son to attend and participate in the murder mystery."
"I told her that I didn’t really think that was a good idea because he would be a distraction."
"She then claimed I had previously mentioned that her son could come and that he was now aware of the party and wanted to come."
"I said that I didn’t think it was appropriate."
"She responded that it was odd that only her son was being left out."
"I replied that the other boy would not be participating, and that in a perfect world I would have invited only adults, but we needed to fill the quota."
"I said if he came I’d prefer if he was playing in the other room, but did not participate."
"She said that it was clear I didn’t want him to attend and that she would find something else to do with him that night."
"And that was fine with me."
"FYI, her husband is not coming and could take care of their son."
"Even though she said she was fine, I still feel backed into a corner into letting him attend."
"I feel awful because I love her son and feel like I am excluding him."
"However, in my head I pictured a somewhat serious but still fun event where all the players were focused on the game and not being distracted by a small child."
"But it could be argued that I have already given up that idea by including the 10 and 11-year-olds, so what does it matter if a 7 y/o also attends?"
"Additional info that seems relevant to me: my friend is awesome and I love her and her children deeply, but she is also super flaky when it comes to planned fun."
"I’m also very put off by changing of plans."
"Also, the conversation was all over text so I may have misinterpreted her thoughts and feelings."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So should I back down and invite the 7 y/o or should I drop it now that she’s said they won’t bring him?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP WAS the Ahole.
"You managed to make this incredibly messy. Inviting some kids in a friend group, and not others."
"Inviting one sibling not the other… yeah, I get you don’t have kids on your own, because that’s a recipe for disaster."
"The kids are so close; imagine it should be all or none."
"Apologize to your friends and be clear next time." ~ Maximum_Law801
"This. YTA for involving children in a game that isn’t age-appropriate in the first place." ~ Nishikadochan
"I host murder mystery parties a few times a year."
"I would never in a million years consider inviting kids."
"Even if the theme is 'mild' (they usually are), these are adult times!"
"Grown-up times!"
"Once you introduce a kid, the focus shifts to that kid, which is fine at kid things."
"But these are grown-up things."
"I am also childfree and know better!" ~ TeacherPatti
"You’re somewhat wrong when it comes to inviting some kids but not all."
"There are times where one child may be invited to something but not the other."
"This can be age, interest, or maturity."
"In this case, all 3."
"It’s not all that different from mommy time, or girls' night, or anything similar."
"Just because one kid is invited doesn’t mean all kids are."
"And being close in age has nothing to do with it."
"Maturity and interest play a big role."
"Just because my kids like movies doesn’t mean they should be able to go to any movie at any time."
"Just because one kid is old enough to go to school or drive doesn’t mean the other kid should be able to as well."
"The bad part is this was done by text."
"OP needs to call."
"These are conversations best had where tone can be heard."
"Or else one is assuming or putting their own emotions into play. NTA."
"Also wanted to note, I’ve done a murder mystery, and the 'romance' in that was finding out someone had a lover or some such information and them 'kissing.'"
"And the violence, well, you’re talking about a murder."
"Suggestive themes, you’re trying to figure out a murder."
"Most 10-year-olds aren’t going to have trauma from this." ~ Sunnyok85
"So you don’t have enough friends to have a murder mystery night without having to invite 10-11 year olds?"
"Then you’re asking if you are rude for wanting it to not have to include kids? Really." ~ i_want_babs
"YTA. It’s shi**y to invite one kid because you don’t have enough friends to fill out your party, but not her sibling because you have no use for him."
"If your friend was a good mom, she’d skip your party for treating her kids as props." ~ Lopsided_Tomatillo27
"I don't know, man."
"You're including 10- and 11-year-olds into a murder mystery game for teens and adults."
"They're not teens but close enough."
"So I think you could make an exception for the boy as well."
"Get them some snacks and put him in the room with the 9-year-old if that's what he'd be okay with."
"What I don't get here is that you're inviting his sibling, but not him."
"I don't know, I see people are saying NTA, you can have anyone you want at your party, which I agree with, but I do believe it'd be a kind thing to do to include the boy as well. YTA." ~ testBunny93
"Firstly, YTA."
"Be flexible."
"Stop trying to micromanage every element of this party."
"The 7-year-old needs to come, fine; rethink, let him play Minecraft in the other room with the other kid?"
"Make up a waiter character and let him bring round bowls of crisps?"
"Find a way to include him because it's really crappy letting the other kids come and not him."
"Second - it's weird that you don't know enough adults to make up a 7-person game."
"And it's weird that you chose a 7-person game knowing you are now relying on children to make it work."
"And it's so rude that you told your friend, 'in a perfect world we'd only have adults, but I need the kids to fill the quota!'"
"This whole thing is mega clunky, so the least you can do is be flexible about the extra kid, when you're relying on other kids to make your party possible." ~ Known-Grapefruit4032
"YTA... you said teen and adult, perfectly fine, but then you wanted more."
"So now 11- and 10-year-old girls are coming, okay, again your party your choice."
"But then there’s the 9-year-old boy, who isn’t deemed old enough to participate, but is coming anyway?"
"This is where imo you become TA, because if you’re hosting a non-involved 9-year-old, you could just as easily plonk the 7-year-old next to them."
"The reason you feel you’re excluding him is that you are." ~ Urbanyeti0
"ESH. It would have been much better to find other adults to play than to have allowed a 10- and 11-year-old in on the action."
"This muddies the waters, and I can see why it might feel like the younger one was being excluded when you've already bent the rules for 2 kids."
"That said, your friend shouldn't have automatically assumed their kid would be able to participate, particularly with the party's theme." ~ RoofPreader
"YTA. It sounds like the people invited are just props for your entertainment."
"You only tolerate the two older kids because you do not have enough adults.'
"They are useful for you ATM, and if they weren't, you'd put them aside like you are doing with the 9-year-old."
"You want a child-free party?"
"Only invite adults." ~ Different-Airline672
"YTA. These are generally themed for an age group to play together."
"Not 40+ year olds with preteens."
"Weirdly, you're including 2 girls just to fill out the roles for your party game." ~ blackcherrytomato
Reddit is not thrilled with your actions, OP.
You're going to have "non-adults" there already; will he be THAT big of a distraction?
Maybe don't write off the idea of his attendance just yet.
Maybe have a longer chat with Mom.
