Competing for a parent's attention is something that siblings often complain about. But what about competing with a parent's significant other?
Relationship advice talks about putting a partner first, but what about a partner with adult children? Should the adult child or the significant other get the parent's attention?
An adult child turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after feeling neglected.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Ohshesplastic asked:
"AITAH for questioning my relationship with my dad after he prioritized his girlfriend over me during my 'wedding'?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Me (25, female) and my husband (27, male) recently eloped in Australia. Because we’re Canadian, we had to complete the legal paperwork in Canada before we left. There was no officiant, just a clerk marking stuff."
"We exchanged our rings and our vows in Australia and officially marked the wedding date on our marriage license to the date we'd get married in Australia."
"It wasn’t a wedding or celebration, it was literally just signing paperwork so our elopement would be legal. We kept it as small as possible. The only people there were me, my husband, my brother and his fiancée as our witnesses, and I invited my mum and dad as a courtesy."
"A few weeks beforehand, my dad (62, male) asked if he could bring his girlfriend (early 50s, female), who he’s been dating for about a year and a half. For context, I’ve only met her 3 times before."
"I politely told him no."
"I explained that this wasn’t our wedding, there wasn’t a reception, and it wasn’t meant to be a family gathering. It was simply the legal paperwork before we left for Australia. He said he understood."
"Then the day came… and he showed up late and with her anyway."
"I was shocked. It felt so awkward because this was supposed to be such a small, private moment with just the people who were directly involved."
"His girlfriend and I barely know each other, and I couldn’t understand why she was there when I had already explained that this wasn’t a wedding celebration or a family event, it was just paperwork before we left for our elopement."
"But I didn’t want to start anything before legally marrying my husband, so I swallowed my feelings and let it go."
"After the paperwork was signed, my husband suggested we take some photos. My husband and I got a few couple pics, I got one with my brother, then I wanted one with both my parents."
"My parents have been divorced for over 15 years, so this wasn’t about pretending to be a family again, I literally just wanted a picture with my mom and dad on an important day in my life."
"Instead, my dad stood several feet away from me, barely smiled, and looked like he didn’t even want to be in the photo. It honestly made me feel like taking a simple photo with his daughter was somehow uncomfortable for him."
"As we were leaving, I walked over to his girlfriend, smiled, said it was nice to see her, offered her a hug, and even invited her to join us for lunch afterward."
"I was genuinely trying to be kind and welcoming, even though I was still confused as to why she was there in the first place after my dad confirmed with me that she wouldn’t be attending."
"Instead, she glared at me, rejected the hug, curtly said 'no,' and immediately took my dad’s hand and started pulling him away."
"I was honestly shocked. This was supposed to be a small, meaningful moment for me and my husband, and somehow I was the one being treated like I had done something wrong. I was trying to include her and be polite on a day that was supposed to be about us, so I didn’t understand why she seemed so upset with me."
"My dad originally insisted we all go for lunch afterward. He had even offered to treat everyone. Instead, he gave me a quick half-hearted apology, said he had to leave, wished us well, and walked away with his girlfriend."
"My husband and I ended up paying for the lunch ourselves."
"I tried not to let it ruin the day because we were leaving for Australia in the evening. Our elopement and honeymoon were incredible, and I didn’t want this hanging over me. But now that we’re home, I’ve finally had time to process everything, and I can’t stop thinking about how abandoned I felt."
"Now we’re having a very small dinner to celebrate with the people closest to us. It’s intimate: literally just our parents, siblings, grandparents, and a few close friends."
"My dad asked if he could bring his girlfriend again."
"This time I said no even more firmly. I reminded him that I’d already said no once before, he ignored my wishes anyway, and given how uncomfortable the legal ceremony became, I wasn’t comfortable inviting her to such a small and personal celebration."
"His response?"
"He told me he has trouble with confrontation and doesn’t know how to tell her she isn’t invited. He also said she won’t like it and that he wants her there."
"I explained that if we were having a 150-person wedding reception, this would be different. But we’re not. This dinner is intentionally tiny, and every guest was chosen carefully."
"Now I’m left feeling like my dad is more worried about upsetting his girlfriend of 1.5 years than hurting his own daughter. I understand that confrontation is hard for some people, but I don’t think it’s fair that the solution becomes me giving up my boundary so he doesn’t have to deal with an uncomfortable conversation."
"What hurts the most is that I don’t feel like I’m asking him to choose between me and his girlfriend. I’m asking him to respect a boundary I set for a very small, meaningful celebration. But after everything that happened at the legal ceremony, it’s hard not to feel like he chose keeping her happy over showing up for me."
"I honestly don’t know what to think anymore, but this whole situation has made me question my relationship with my dad. I always imagined my dad would be someone who would want to make me feel loved and supported during major life moments, and instead I felt like I was the person whose feelings were easiest to dismiss."
"So, AITAH for questioning my relationship with my dad after he prioritized his girlfriend over me during my wedding?"
The OP later added:
"I didn’t want the paperwork signing to be considered our 'marriage' even though it made us legally married because to us it was just the legal requirement before our actual wedding in Australia. Maybe I’m overthinking it, but I thought it was random that she showed up when I barely know her."
"My dad hasn’t really made an effort to properly introduce us. I don’t even know her last name."
"I’ve only met her three times, each for less than 20 minutes. I originally wanted the signing to just be my husband, me, and our witnesses, but invited my parents because they wouldn’t get to experience our actual wedding."
"I understand she’s his partner, but at the end of the day I literally do not know her so I didn’t want her there. Would love the opportunity to get to know her better, just not during my paperwork signing!"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to read the vibes she was getting (NTA).
"It’s simple. Tell him he comes alone or he doesn’t come. His girlfriend, who pushed you away at your wedding, is not invited."
"NTA, but set some serious rules here." ~ Knickers1978
"Ask him why he's okay with confrontation when it's OP but not the girlfriend." ~ Feisty_Bag_5284
"Make it even simpler. Call girlfriend and tell HER she is not invited and not to come. Whatever fallout Dad gets is earned." ~ ScarMurky4683
"Did you tell him she shoved you away?" ~ Sorry_Challenge_4179
"NTA- but make sure you really hold your dad accountable and say, 'This is my wedding celebration. If you choose not to come, we may never recover from that'."
"Don’t make his poor choice more comfortable for him by being too polite." ~ robottestsaretoohard
"AND also tell him if he turns up with her they will both be asked to leave."
"You are possibly the 'easiest to dismiss' but it's more likely he's thinking with the wrong head and desperate to be in a relationship."
"It's like any friend / relation who gets caught up in a relationship and sidelines you. Of course it hurts and you question what you thought you had. Some relationships recover and some don't. It's sort of going to be up to him - if he lets her run his relationship with you it will be damaged - like what happened at the end of the ceremony."
"People like that isolate their partner from their 'support' network." ~ blueflash775
OP's father made a choice by refusing to make a choice.
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