Co-parenting isn't always easy.
There are so many days and holidays to figure out custody.
And it's always going to overlap because, of course, it's going to overlap.
So, how do parents make it work without drama?
Redditor Apprehensive-Virus43 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for attending my kid's birthday party with my ex-wife (co-parenting)?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (36 M[ale]) have 2 kids with my ex-wife."
"The kids are 8 and 5 years of age."
"We divorced over 2 years ago and have been in a co-parenting situation ever since."
"There is no significant conflict between my ex-wife and me, and there has never been one, apart from the occasional disagreements about the shared bank account for the kids."
"No big deal, just small issues."
"The only contact I have with my ex is whenever something has to be arranged for the kids or when we have to keep each other informed, like school stuff, doctors' appointments, etc."
"So my son's birthday is coming up, and he wants to throw a party for his 6 closest friends from school and his little sister."
"So 8 kids in total."
"The day of the party, he will be at his mom's house, so she arranged it all."
"He wants to go to a big playground, something about 20km (12.5 miles), away from home."
"My son came up to me and asked if I would attend his party and drive half of his friends to the playground and be there when he celebrates his birthday with his friends. "
"I said 'Yes' because I feel like I can't say no to this request."
"My G[irl]F[riend] is mad at me for going to my son's birthday party."
"She doesn't understand why I have to be there."
"My son will be playing with his friends, leaving me with his mother to sit and wait."
"According to her, we will be giving off 'happy family vibes, ' which hurt her feelings."
"She says I'm loyal to my ex, and I should have my priorities with her."
"I tried to explain I'm there for my son, but also for myself."
"I want to be the kind of father who is part of my kids' memories."
"I don't want to be the father who was never there because I let my dislike for my kids ' mother prevail."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for attending my son his birthday party while my girlfriend doesn't want me to go?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA - But your GF is, and this should be a red flag as bright as a neon sign."
"She doesn't like your kids, she likely wants you to not be part of their lives because it 'makes her upset' somehow." ~ Waskomsause
"NTA. I don't know how long you have had a relationship with your girlfriend, but she clearly doesn't understand that dating a dad means his kids will be a priority."
"I'd suggest you find someone who does." ~introspectiveliar
"This is a woman who is too immature to date a man with children."
"She should be ecstatic that you have a good coparenting relationship with your ex, so there is no drama."
"Honestly, it speaks volumes about your character that you both get along."
"Please drop this GF and continue to put your children first."
"It will save your children years of therapy in the future so they don't have to figure out why daddy was never there for them and chose his gf over them." ~ FlyFlirtyandFifty
"NTA, your girlfriend is a problem that will only get worse." ~ Primary-Delivery737
"NTA... and either your girlfriend is emotionally immature or has a very cold heart."
"Maybe ask yourself, if she's this self-centered and so uncaring about your son's wellbeing, do you see a future with her?" ~ iheartwords
"This. OP, your girlfriend is behaving like an immature child."
"The ONLY person whose feelings matter here are those of your son."
"Your girlfriend's feelings genuinely do not matter."
The fact that she is turning a small child's birthday party into a place to create drama should hopefully reveal her red flags to you."
"Please do yourself a favor and walk away before she damages your health, co-parenting relationships, and your relationship with your child." ~ Organic-Willow2835
"This right here, absolutely NTAH!"
"It's YOUR son's birthday and he wants his dad there."
"There's nothing wrong with that."
"Your girlfriend knew you had a child when she got with you, and if she's going to be jealous of your ex, then that's her problem, and she needs to grow up!"
"Go to his party and be the father you want to be."
"He will remember that even though you and his mom aren't together, you still love him and will always be there for him."
"That's more important than your girlfriend's jealousy."
"She needs to realize that just because you're no longer married to your ex, she will always be a part of your life because you have a child together."
"She knew what she was getting into when she got with you." ~ CeejayMyers
"NTA and only a butthole would ask her boyfriend to avoid his son on his birthday to preserve her feelings."
"She is number 2 in your life and will continue to be until your son no longer needs your protection and guidance."
"If she doesn't like it, tell her not to date people with children." ~ Califefe
"NTA. Your first priority should be your children, full stop."
"If she can't handle that, she shouldn't be dating a man with children."
"I don't even want to imagine how she treats your kids, if she's met them at this point."
"If she (hopefully) hasn't, you still have room to dump this immature brat before she hurts your kids."
"You know what needs to happen, or you wouldn't be here."
"Any woman who wants you to abandon your child ON HIS BIRTHDAY is a lousy human being."
"Bye, Felicia." ~ megggie
"NTA. But how new is this relationship?"
"If your girlfriend is brand new and already playing these games, then I'd send her on her way."
"She needs to realise your son comes as part of your package and that will involve interacting with your ex at times." ~ ColdstreamCapple
"I am dating a dad, and it's really hard."
"I don't have kid, so sometimes it's really hard to not be a priority or if he has to cancel last minute, BUT it's something I love about my partner, that he is such an engaged and involved dad."
"I wouldn't want to be with the type of man who isn't a major part of his children's lives."
"She is not the right person for you." ~ MissELH
"NTA. Your girlfriend is immature and does not possess the emotional intelligence to become a possible step-parent." ~ Doglover_7675
"NTA... that girlfriend needs to lose her jealous streak."
"Or you need to lose her."
"In time, you may be able to include her as well, but for now, stay being a great dad!" ~ Velma88
"NTA. Your girlfriend is showing her ugly 'step' parent side, and you need to pay attention."
"If she thinks any event/activity with your ex is worth skipping, even though it's about your kids, this is going to cause massive headaches forever."
"She will never understand that your children are and should be your priority and that yes, that means being around your ex and communicating with her."
"Don't let her get between you and your kids." ~ Impossible_Smile4113
"NTA. Of course, you are going to your child's birthday party and helping out to the best of your abilities."
"Your (hopefully soon not) girlfriend needs to understand that your children's needs come before hers.'
"She also needs to realize that kids' parties are for KIDS.'
"Adults get to keep track of the kids/catering/event."
"It's not a date. Sheesh." ~ CraZKatLayD
"NTA. I think your girlfriend needs to get with the program or avoid dating men who have children because, at the end of the day, the children will come first."
"She shouldn't be trying to keep you from your son's birthday when he clearly wants you there."
"If she's acting like this now, imagine what she will be like as your relationship progresses."
"If she becomes a (soon-to-be evil) stepmom, you both have children, and so much more."
"She's probably going to push you to toss your kids to the side." ~ saltyandsweet50
"NTA, but your girlfriend is giving off so many red flags that she could supply a color guard parade in Moscow."
"Your children obviously come first to you, which is exactly right."
"She wants to come first to you, but without your children in the picture."
"You are going to have to make a big decision soon, and she's going to force your hand."
"Choose wisely." ~ LadyHavoc97
"NTA. NTA. NTA."
"Your children come first and foremost."
'She obviously knew you had kids from the start and is already doing the ugly stepmother thing."
"You deserve a girlfriend who's not jealous of your ex and your children, and your children deserve someone who will love them as their own." ~ SassMama_94
"NTA. Your GF isn't mature enough for this type of relationship."
"You are there for your son."
"Even though you're ex-wife is your ex, she is still the mother of your child."
"She's not going anywhere, and there's no avoiding her at times like this." ~ lboogie757
"NTA. Your children DESERVE a happy family, whether you and their mother are romantically involved or not."
"The fact that your girlfriend is trying to convince you otherwise is not a good look." ~ roseannjam
Reddit has your back, OP.
This is your son's big day.
You have every right to be there.
Your GF needs to come to terms with a few things.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp