Who should get to decide when or if someone gets married? There used to be a tradition of asking a person's family or their parents or their father for permission to marry, but that has faded away in cultures where dowries no longer exist.
What if the parents are the ones getting married? Do their children get a say?
What if the children are grown and living independently? Do they get to make decisions about a parent's wedding?
An adult child who thinks they get a say turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
First-Highway-9311 asked:
"AITA because I'm upset my dad is getting remarried on my parents' anniversary?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My mom passed away twelve years ago when I was in my early twenties from an autoimmune disease after years of being sick. My dad has been sad and depressed ever since, which is understandable."
"About 8 years ago, after he retired, he up and sold the family home and then told my sibling and me he was moving a couple of states away. I visited him once, but life has gotten really busy with little kids and it's too expensive to travel."
"He used to visit a couple of times a year, and then it became once a year, and now we haven't seen him in two years. If I don't reach out to him, all we get is an occasional text."
"I found out he was dating someone through Instagram six months ago. Then about 4 weeks ago, he texted out of the blue asking my thoughts on him getting married."
"I was honestly kinda hurt due to the lack of involvement in my family's life and a little of the pain of losing my mom. I told him I wanted him to be happy, though."
"He texted last week that he is getting married in three weeks and they are eloping for an island wedding. It hurts to not be included and not meet her first, but the worst part is that the day they are getting married is my parents' anniversary."
"I brought this up to my dad and told him there are 364 other perfectly fine days and to pick another."
"He says I'm just trying to keep him miserable. My sibling told me I'm making it a big deal, it's just a day now, to stop being so emotional."
"So am I the a**hole for being upset about the date?"
OP later added the same comment to every response that didn't unequivocally support her:
"Sorry, it may not have been clear enough in the post, but I call him weekly and text throughout the week. I initiate all the contact between us, and the same with my sibling. They initiate all the contact."
"I haven't physically seen him in two years because we have been unable to travel that far with kids, but he stopped traveling to visit either of us two years ago."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I told my dad to change the wedding date, and now he and my sibling are mad and say I'm overreacting."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors had mixed reactions, with some saying OP wasn't the a**hole (NTA) for telling dad to pick a different day...
"OP you are NTA for feeling weird/icky about this." ~ Awildferretappears
"Choosing that day is literally really frickin weird. NTA." ~ sb-280
"NTA. That’s actually insane to choose that date—out of 365 days, he decided on that one." ~ nessa0227
"NTA. The bigger hurt seems to be that your dad moved away, started a serious relationship without consulting you, and is now getting married without including you in the decision." ~ Effective_Degree3102
...while others thought OP's entitled demand made them the a**hole (YTA).
"YTA. You readily admit you aren't a part of your father's life, but think you can make demands about his wedding? And you even say yourself that it's your parents' anniversary day."
"It's not your anniversary, and you're only tangentially connected to your father's wedding anniversary, but you act like it's yours. Did you ever know why your parents got married on that day?"
"Maybe that day means something to your father, and it's why he got married on that day and why he wants to get remarried on that day. Did you ever bother to ask or jump straight to making demands?"
"You’re entitled to feel however you want, but not to dictate how other people feel or what they do. You sound insufferable." ~ MohawMais
"YTA. The date choice is weird, but so is you never visiting him and then being surprised that you're not included in his wedding decision-making. OP, you visited him once in 8 years." ~ QuartzVolkarin
"YTA. It’s been 12 years, and you are in your 30s. Time to get a bit more emotionally mature. Be happy that your dad is happy. Sure it would be nice to be included, but at the end of the day, it’s his marriage."
"My own father did something very similar. I was hurt for about four minutes that I wasn’t invited to the wedding. But he told me straight out that he didn’t wanna make a big deal."
"They had a neighbor, a few friends that they’d been playing cards with recently, and my half sister who lived close by there. It was perfect for them." ~ True-Improvement-191
"YTA for cutting and pasting the same comment word for word, trying to defend yourself, and I am going to downvote every single one just for that."
"This post is all about you—'woe is me, my daddy wants to move on with his life instead of wallowing in grief. He came to see me but I won’t go see him so I have never met the woman he fell in love with and asked to marry him'."
"What, you want him to come to you for approval like Don Corleone‽‽ And since cars began for relatively easy travel, families have loaded up 6 kids and a cooler of everything currently in the fridge, some peanut butter sandwiches, and headed to grandpa's for the weekend."
"You couldn’t do that? YTA." ~ Just_Coffee3718
"It is reasonable to be unhappy that he chose that day, but YTA for telling him to pick a different day. He may have his reasons for choosing that day."
"Maybe that day just makes him so sad that he wants to do something happy to help with the sad memories. Everyone grieves in their own way."
"Or maybe it’s his or his fiancée’s lucky number and just a coincidence, or that's why it's his old anniversary date. I agree it’s a bit weird when you have zero context, but it’s not harmful."
"He is allowed to fill his life with new things and make new memories on days that already have meaning for him and you."
"I have a feeling part of why you’re reacting to the date is because it feels like he is moving on without you. I think the real issue is that you miss him and don’t know how to reconnect."
"It sucks that you haven’t been included in his life for a long time, but it sounds like you haven’t made an effort either, so that’s kind of on both of you. I’d apologize for being harsh about the date and tell him you miss him and want him to be a bigger part of your life and your kids’ lives."
"Schedule a Zoom call once a week and just chat for a half-hour. That’s what we do with my in-laws who live several states away." ~ VariegatedPlumage
"YTA. You don't visit him, but he at least made an effort and visited you several times."
"Relationships work both ways; you don't tell him what's going on in your life, he doesn't tell you what's going on in his."
"It's a pattern you've both fallen into. As for the wedding date, it is more special to him than to you, just as your wedding date is special to you and your husband. It isn't really your business."
"Have you considered that he picked that date because the last time he married, it was a happy marriage? Maybe he is paying homage to your mother, not taking away from her memory."
"It doesn't sound like you're attending anyway, so let it go. I find your post incredibly sad." ~ DebtMindless6356
"YTA. You have no idea why your mom and dad chose that date in the first place. It may be important to your dad for different reasons."
"It's also been 12 years. It's not like your dad jumped into another marriage. You also seem to be blaming your dad for making a life change that seems to be good for him, but not for you to remain the center of his universe."
"This entire post comes off as selfish to me, and it feels like you're centering yourself in this as opposed to thinking about your dad."
"The potential other side of this story is a man who helped take care of his wife with an autoimmune disease. He was left to take care of the kids and was sad and depressed."
"They started getting busy with their own lives and didn't need him as much anymore, so he decided to do something that makes himself happy and now his child is on Reddit whining about how they're not being consulted." ~ keesouth
OP has made it clear from their comments that they aren't interested in changing anything about themselves or their relationship with their father, only in garnering sympathy from strangers.
So they can ignore the advice and YTA responses and get exactly what they wanted.
