Grief hits everyone in different ways.
Sometimes moving on is a form of releasing grief.
But everyone's grieving process can start to clash.
What does one do when there is still life left to be lived for those left behind?
Redditor TheGamingSenpa1 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for not wanting to go to my Dad's wedding after my mom passed away?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So I'm (20 M[ale]) and my mother recently passed away a couple of months ago in February, and she and my dad were married for 38 years together."
"My siblings and I had a really close relationship with her; she was our best friend, the glue that kept the family together."
"But maybe only a month after her funeral, my father was already starting to go on dates again."
"My siblings and I thought it was weird at first, but we didn't think anything of it."
"Continue down the line, he reconnected with a woman that he knew years ago, from when he was in his teenage years, and seemingly she saw the video of my mom's funeral online and texted my dad on Facebook, wanting to check in with him, and see if he's alright."
"After that point, a couple of weeks later, he then sat down and told me, my brother, and my S[ister]- I[n]-L[aw] that he was talking to someone new, but they were just friends talking."
"Well, a couple of months later, after that point, I started seeing my dad less and less each weekend, until he just had the routine of always leaving Friday and not coming back until Monday because she lives in Ohio."
"And the more he went, the more they got closer until they started dating for a bit, and then got engaged."
"They've even started building a house together down where my dad and I live, which I'm moving into because I'm still a college student."
"At this point, neither my siblings nor I agreed with the fact that he was doing this, as we felt it was weird."
"My brother is even cutting off contact with him for a bit because of it."
"We've explicitly told him we don't want to see her, or have anything to do with this new woman in his life."
"But as stubborn as he is, he keeps bringing her around after we tell him no."
"Now they're planning on having their wedding in December in Ohio, and they invited me to come."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for not wanting to go to this wedding?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. My condolences on the loss of your mom."
"You and your brother don't get votes in your dad's love life."
"Yes, it's fast for them."
"That's not that unusual, in my experience."
"Your dad has likely never lived alone and not had someone do almost everything for him, and he doesn't want to do it himself."
"My grandparents had been married for 55 years when my grandma died."
"Grandpa remarried within a year to someone they were friends with, her and her husband, way back in their early married years."
"One of my aunts was discombobulated by the quickness of their relationship, but she was hoping to become 'the matriarch' and take him in."
"Grandpa was too independent for that."
"They were married for 20 years."
"You may need to rethink your living arrangements."
"You may not be invited to live with them."
"That's their decision."
"Welcome to adulthood; it sucks sometimes." ~ KatzAKat
"Dating, engagement, and marriage within 10 months of your wife's passing."
"That's definitely too fast."
"I hope he gets a chance to see someone (therapist?) before his marriage just to make sure this isn't a grief response." ~ Stasia177
"NTA for not wanting to go to the wedding, there are some other items to consider..."
"I agree that 10 months seems pretty quick, and it *does* depend on the circumstances."
"If the mom were ill for a while and they had discussed it, then that's his decision, too."
"Were they happily married?"
"Maybe he's desperately lonely and wants to experience that again."
"I know that's how my dad felt when my mom was ill and passed away a year later from cancer."
"Maybe the new wife-to-be was also widowed, and they just became kindred spirits, sharing their grief and trying to find some happiness and companionship."
"I know several people who experienced that."
"Everyone deals with grief differently."
"There is no specific timeline."
"Maybe he dealt with it long before the mom passed away."
"That's not disrespectful."
"At least try to get to know this woman."
"She's obviously going to be in his life, and perhaps she is making him happy."
"Isn't that what we would want?" ~ GrandmaBaba
"NTA. You're not required to go."
"These stories make me shake my head… getting remarried 10 months after a spouse of 38 years passes is certainly one way to move on."
"New wife kind of sounds like a vulture." ~ MediocreWonder3929
"It does feel fast, but there are people who just can't stand the fact that they are alone."
"I get it, it's a weird time for you, and you need to tell him the boundaries you need as well, but men of that age don't know how to care for themselves either; they go from their mother's house to their spouses, and then once alone again realize that they need another woman around."
"Should he have therapy to grow as a person?"
"Yes. Is it likely? No." ~ VBunns
"It can also depend a lot on how long the person was ill for."
"In some situations, people have been doing some of their grieving in advance."
"I think this is particularly common where someone had dementia or other conditions, meaning that the person they were was lost before they physically die, but it can be true in cases where someone has a terminal illness - In particular, the element of coming to terms with the fact that they are dying/gone."
"That doesn't mean that it's not hurtful or distressing when someone seems to move on very fast, but it can be the case that they are further on in the grieving process at an earlier stage."
"Equally, in some cases, losing someone you love can result in a strong 'Carpe Diem' mindset - seize the day and enjoy life now, while you can, because you may not be around to do so tomorrow."
"There's no single right or wrong way to grieve." ~ ProfessorYaffle1
"NTA. And there's the answer."
"He already grieved his wife's death."
"As sad as it is, it was a long time coming and expected."
"I can understand why he moved on quickly, but what isn't fair is rushing his kids to do it and accept this new person."
"He lost his wife and companion of almost 40 years and doesn't know how to be alone."
"They lost their mom."
"It's a different relationship and a different grief." ~ Huntress145
"If you really don't want to see this woman, then the only real option is moving out, because once the house is built, it won't just be your dad's place anymore, it'll be theirs together."
"That means you'd essentially be living under her roof and her rules, as well, and that could create even more tension for you."
"I know it's tough while you're still in college, but it's something you need to think through carefully before deciding what's healthiest for you in the long run."
"Maybe time to start looking for a roommate." ~ cgm824
"NAH. My husband lost his father, and seven months later, he found out his mom had reconnected with an old college boyfriend, and they ended up getting married just a little over a year after he passed away."
"My husband had a hard time with this, but we also had people explain that sometimes when people had a good marriage, they also just liked being married."
"That doesn't mean they didn't love the parent, and it can also make it clear how short life is."
"That you take chances and jump at happiness, as you have no idea how much time is left."
"I think you and your siblings probably need to talk to your dad about how you feel."
"You don't need to go to the wedding, as I do think that's asking too much."
"I do think that unless you want to lose your father, too, you may need to all adjust to telling him you want him to never mention or be around his wife."
"Maybe tell him you need more time, and he needs to respect that."
"That it won't be forever, but that it hasn't even been a year, and it feels too soon for the rest of you."
"That you all need time to grieve, and you aren't in the emotional or mental space to process welcoming in a new spouse."
"I'm sorry for your loss." ~ Ikfactor
"NTA. You and your siblings are still grieving, and he is asking you to set your feelings aside and come to his wedding."
"He is allowed to move on and get married, but he should also consider your feelings and accept that you aren't ready to move on yet." ~ Sad_Entertainment758
"NAH here."
"You are still processing the loss of your mom."
"And your dad is scared of being alone after this long marriage."
"I am not sure this new marriage will be good; nobody is sure, but I can understand him trying to be with someone."
"I bet you are not going to live with him forever, so let him go with his own life." ~ Trespassingw
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your father has every right to move on.
You and your siblings have every right to feel how you all feel as well.
Maybe your parents discussed this scenario before your mom passed, and your dad feels he has her blessing.
Also, maybe some family therapy could help.
Good luck and sorry for your loss.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp