It's never an easy decision to end a marriage.
When a couple decides that their marriage is no longer tenable and divorce is the only answer, most of the time this is after a long, careful, even painful consideration.
Even so, nothing can prepare a soon-to-be divorced couple for the reality of the situation, and just how messy and unpleasant it can get.
Redditor Frosty-Inspector1033 was going through a divorce from their wife.
While the original poster (OP) thought they were fulfilling one of their obligations under the agreement, the OP's soon-to-be ex-wife complained about the position doing so would put her in.
Somewhat at a loss as to what to do, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole Here (AITAH).
Unlike the similar 'Am I The A**Hole' (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for moving out?"
The OP explained why they only further upset their wife by fulfilling an agreed-upon element of their divorce:
"So my wife and I are getting divorced."
"It's her decision, not mine, as I wanted to stay and work on things, but she says she is no longer in love with me and has given me the remainder of the year to move out."
"It hurt to hear this."
"First came the tears and sadness, and now I'm a bit angry and in the I need to get the heck out of here stage."
"We do not have any children I should add, and have already filled out in writing who gets what and all that."
"I came up with a plan to move out within a week, and suddenly that became a huge issue for her."
"First she was angry and starting arguments with me, then she was crying asking why don't I care about her and what is she going to do."
"She complained not being able to afford the house, not being able to take care of some of the things around the house without my help, not being on my insurance anymore, and other things."
"But she's the one who wants the divorce so surely she should have thought all of this through by now."
"Also she has a good job and she should be able to afford the house by herself."
"I don't know, AITAH for wanting to move out ASAP and remove myself from an unhealthy situation?"
"We have been fighting constantly, and I have been the subject to verbal and emotional abuse from her over the years."
"I just feel like if we are going to try to remain friends like we said we would then it's better for the both of us if this happens sooner than later."
"I should also add that she has been all over me lately and we have been having a lot of sex, but she has maintained that this doesn't change anything."
"I do feel that's a little unfair since I am still in love with her."
"It has left me confused, and honestly feeling a little manipulated, especially when I know she's also been talking bad about me behind my back to family and friends."
"I feel like moving out soon is the best decision for my mental health but she is saying If I really cared about her I would do it on her requested timeline (she's used to everything going like that with us)."
"So, I don't know, AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was doing the right thing by moving out as soon as possible.
Just about everyone agreed that the OP's soon-to-be ex-wife wanted things both ways, and that the OP should waste no time moving out or going forward with this divorce:
"NTA, She can't have it both ways."- BamaTony64
"NTA, get out of there ASAP!"
"All the problems she’s going to have are her own doing."
"She will have to deal with it."
"It hurts, no doubt, and it’s hard to switch from 'I love this person' to 'I could care less', but this was her decision."
"My back of the mind hypothesis is that she’d had an affair with someone who she though would have replaced you, but this person wanted just some healthy bedroom fun and not a relationship with a cheater."
"And now that her fantasyland is falling apart she’s trying to hook you back."
"RUN!"- Ataru074
"NTA."
"Has she served you with divorce papers yet?"
"Cut off the sex, secure your own place and leave."
"Especially if you’ve been served papers."
"Sounds like she’s regretting her decision but for the wrong reasons."- Awkward-Wafer-4836
"NTA- secure your own place."
"Don’t tell her."
"Move everything that belongs to you out in one day while she is at work."
"Does the house have a mortgage in both names?"
"If so then contact lender to see what has to be done to get your name off."
"She’s using you to help Pay Her Bills at the home while divorcing."
"Contact a lawyer and file Now."
"The longer you wait the worse it will be."
"And For F**ks sake Quit Screwing Her!"
"She’s using that to keep you around."- Inner-Confidence99
"Sounds like she got bad advice from some girlfriends, or maybe wanted to test you to see if you'd fight for her till the end."
"When that happened and she saw what the result was gonna be she panicked."
"She's either scared or angry you didn't fight harder to keep her."
"NTA."- bulldogjwhit295
"I think you're NTA for moving out on your timeline."- Veblen1
"Sell the house, then you can both move out."- Due_Ear_4674
"NTA."
"She can't end the marriage and expect you to stick around just cuz leaving sooner is inconvenient for her."- FreeOnPaid
"NTA, she wants a divorce but doesn't want you to move out?"
" I'm so confused."
"Also why are you letting her call the shots and not getting a lawyer here?"
"She doesn't get to make all the decisions in your divorce."
"Oh my God, stop having sex with her and being a doormat."- caryn1477
"NTA."
"Also, if you don’t have kids together, why the need to remain friends post-divorce?"
"Especially considering in your post that you’ve been subjected to emotional abuse from her."- real_Bahamian
"NTA."
"By any means."
"That is extremely manipulative and once she decided she wanted a divorce, she should have started getting her ducks in a row."
"She is not your responsibility anymore, stop having sex and don't stay friends."
"Considering how she is handling things at this moment, she sees you as the 'friend' who will scratch her 'itch', fix her sink, mow her lawn, etc etc."
"She wants a handyman and a fwb."
"Don't fall for that (this is a woman's perspective)."
"Focus on yourself, on getting over her and getting your life on track."
"She doesn't sound like a very nice person, honestly."
"Regarding the moving out, I would consult with a lawyer first."
"Not sure where you are but just for safety, to not miss any legal implications of doing that."- Comfortable_Way_1261
"NTA."
"Has she actually filed?"
"If not then it sounds like she is using divorce as a threat without thinking it through."- uwedave
"Not the AH- frankly she kind of is."
"This game she is playing is basically: i want all your benefits but not you."
"She is playing your feelings against you to get what she wants, that's not fair to you at all! "
"Best advice is sick to your guns. You are divorcing and she is NOT your dependent or spouse."
"You owe her nothing but what you want to give."
"But for your own sanity and safety- please distance yourself."
"You will never emotionally move on while sleeping with her and taking care of her."
"Best of luck!"- Unlikely-Committee87
"NTA, but please for your sake get out of there, lawyer up and communicate through them for now."- jamc0217
"Sounds like you're going to be 'wrong' no matter what you do, so choose what's best for you."
"She doesn't know what the hell she wants."
"NTA."- Senator_Bink
"So she wants to end the marriage but have you around to pay for things and do maintenance? "
"No way!"
"It seems that she wants to have her cake and eat it at the same time - to be 'free' to date others and so on and at the same time have you as a backup plan and ATM."
"NTA."- Gingercatbrain
It's fair to say that almost all couples going through a divorce, or even a break-up, will have many unexpected hurdles thrown in their direction.
Making it somewhat understandable that the OP's wife didn't quite take in the reality of their moving out of the house.
That being said, it seems that the OP's wife isn't taking much into consideration and has made no preparations for her life post-divorce.
Something she might want to start thinking about, as it seems any chance of reconciliation will be moving out along with the OP...
