Childbirth is still often depicted as relatively on TV and in movies, with women giving birth all alone after a handful of pushes moments after their water breaks. But the average total duration of labor and delivery is 12 to 24 hours for a first-time birth.
And complications before, during, and after birth can put a new mother's life at risk. Sometimes labor ends with emergency surgery. While not having someone in the delivery room is still fairly safe, having someone available to make treatment decisions just in case something goes wrong is important.
A father turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after clashing with his mother-in-law over he acted after the birth of his child.
053717 asked:
"AITA for leaving my wife at the hospital to fulfill a promise to her?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So this happened years ago, but I'm still upset about it because my mother-in-law keeps bringing it up."
"Long story short, my wife's pregnancy was fraught with the craving things she couldn't have, and she made me promise her to the high heavens that when she gave birth, immediately afterward, I would go and get her a feast of all the food she wanted and couldn't have."
"The birth was very difficult, and she had to have surgery. She was unconscious for a while afterward, and I figured I should keep my promise and get her the food she asked for."
"However, when I returned with the food, she was awake, and she was upset that no one was there to greet her."
"I explained I was keeping my promise, and she laughed it off, but when she told her mother, my mother-in-law got really mad and said I should have stayed with her and gotten the food after she woke up."
"So what do you think Reddit? Does my mother-in-law have a point?"
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole (YTA).
"While you had good intentions, soft YTA. In serious situations, such as a difficult labor that results in surgery, you should never leave your partner's side until your partner is awake and it’s safe to do so, as post-surgery complications happen ALL the time."
"Just as an example here, as a side gig, I work for an answering service and one of our offices is a liver transplant Doctor. One of the patient's husband had to call in because he missed a call from the Doctor while his wife was in surgery and was advised to call back as it was urgent."
He thought it would be a good idea to go home while the surgery was happening and do a load of laundry. Yes, your situation is a bit different as she was out of surgery and still under anesthesia (likely) when she came out, but imagine how you'd feel if God forbid you got a drastic call and you were out getting her food."
"Let’s add that you mentioned surgery. I’m going to assume she was under anesthesia which can be scary for a lot of people, especially if this was not planned. The first person that she should have seen when she woke up was you." ~ GimmieDatCooch
"Sorry, YTA. Obviously it was a wonderful thing you did for your wife, but it would’ve been better to wait until she’d woken up so she wasn’t alone and confused." ~ Queasy_Difference_96
"YTA. You should have waited until she was conscious and able before you left her and the newborn alone in the hospital. This shouldn’t need to be explained to you." ~ NormativeTruth
"Your wife's opinion matters most here, but in her shoes, I'd say YTA. The getting food promise likely just wasn't made accounting for a difficult birth and surgery."
"Instead, your infant had no parent to advocate and be with them and your wife woke up alone from a scary and stressful experience."
"Have you spoken to your wife about this more recently, or are you just going off of her laughing during a tiring and jarring event?" ~ 0biterdicta
"This can't be real. You left your unconscious wife AND newborn child at the hospital immediately after a traumatic birth?YTA." ~ AllOfTheThings426
"Right I had to have surgery and my husband was holding our newborn son the whole time. Also, my parents brought the stuff I wanted to eat after I gave birth so my husband could bond with our son." ~ baby_blue_bird
"OP, do you think that when your wife asked you to make this promise, she was envisioning being unconscious after a surgery and that you would be leaving your newborn baby at the hospital with no conscious parent present?"
"I think in the future you need to consider that even if you have a detailed birth plan, things can and do go wrong and you need to make adjustments accordingly."
"I'm also not sure why the focus is on leaving your wife vs leaving your newborn. I also had a baby in the NICU and we were allowed in his room the whole time, even when there was testing/procedures going on." ~ Dr_Vink
"Bruh OP is a whole mess. I can't with this insensitive dude. Either he's a troll or just one hell of a mediocre husband." ~ princessilyrose
"I ended up with a traumatic birth that ended in surgery and after everything I couldn’t eat for easily 24 hours. Even ice was hard to keep down. My aforementioned dreams of sushi and salami sandwiches went waaaay by the wayside!" ~ MilhouseisCool
"It is not physical support she needed at this point the most. It is emotional support. He should have stayed because the situation changed and checked with her, and found out what his wife wants in this new unexpected situation."
"Remember that when his wife woke up she would have had no knowledge of whether the baby survived. Having your partner there to reassure her is far more important to do in situations like this than actually doing something 'productive'." ~ haqiqa
"Surgery can and does go wrong so many times in these situations!Imagine how he would have felt if once he got back, he found out it went really sideways and she didn't survive?"
"He should have stayed with the baby and waited. Maybe that's selfish, but after a traumatic (or even untraumatic!) birth, it's normal for the first people you look for to be your SO and your baby." ~ cward4704
"See, I don’t think he’s an a**hole because it was positive intent. But I do think this was a really dumb decision for all the reasons said and he probably needs to reflect a bit more on how to improve his decision making skills." ~ amethystalien6
"Why didn’t you get the food delivered to the hospital? YTA." ~ luciaromanomba
"A gentle YTA. I understand where you were coming from but you should have stayed at the hospital with your wife and baby. It isn’t bad enough for your MIL to still be going on about it. ~ candigirl16
"Isn’t this when Uber Eats or DoorDash is used despite the high costs? Your presence should’ve been higher priority in case something happens. YTA. ~ SimpleIngredients509
"YTA if you left your unconscious wife and fragile newborn alone to buy snacks for anyone. What did your wife do? Did she eat any of the food? Would the doctor let her? Could she eat, or did the food sit there for hours after she woke up?" ~ underwater_owl
"YTA. Yeah I very much doubt my husband would leave the hospital if I was in that kind of surgery and he wouldn’t leave the baby with out a parent around to consent if treatment is required my hub knows anything can happen things can go wrong and they would need the husband’s consent also who wakes up from surgery and wants to eat their favourite foods no one. It takes time to recover an appetite. If this is real, the intention was good but wasn’t thought through. Like at all." ~ becpuss
"You should have realized your wife would not want to be eating right after surgery and been there when she woke up. The food could come later, assuming she was allowed to eat it. When she said she was looking forward to foods she was craving, that didn’t mean she wanted them more than your actual presence and support. YTA." ~ dantemortemalizar
"Yes, leaving your wife alone in the hospital during recovery from birth is an AH move. When my husband gets a colonoscopy, someone is required to wait by the bedside while the patient recovers from anesthesia."
"Were you a teen dad for the birth of this baby? I hope, for the sake of that child, you have worked on your executive functioning skills."
"Maybe you haven't, and this is why your MIL keeps bringing it up? Since this happened years ago, you are fully aware that your wife wasn't even allowed to eat for hours after her surgery and her focus was on the newborn baby and self-care after this unexpected delivery."
"Too bad yours wasn't. The fact you still need the internet to tell you this is probably why your mother-in-law keeps bringing it up." ~ OkCollection2886
"This was a dangerously bad decision. If something had gone wrong while the wife was in surgery or recovering, or with the baby, he needed to be there to make medical decisions. Like, this isn't just a matter of her waking up alone. But I guess that didn't occur to him? ~ PurpleWeasel
The OP provided a response after getting their answer.
"So I haven't been able to read all the comments, but the general consensus here seems to be that I'm the a**hole because I probably made the wrong decision."
"Those of you who have been pointing out that my wife would not be able to eat the food immediately are totally right. The doctor made her wait 6 hours before she ate the food."
"In my defense, this was my first child, and I was incredibly nerve-racked about what happened. I was terrified and felt like I needed to do something useful and to help my wife, so I did the only thing I could think of."
"But yeah, I probably should have stayed with her."
It's unclear if OP is taking his judgment seriously. He seems to be long on excuses and explanations and short on accountability.
Maybe that's why his mother-in-law keeps bringing it up.
