Childbirth is still often depicted as relatively on TV and in movies, with women giving birth all alone after a handful of pushes moments after their water breaks. But the average total duration of labor and delivery is 12 to 24 hours for a first-time birth.
And complications before, during, and after birth can put a new mother's life at risk. Sometimes labor ends with emergency surgery. While not having someone in the delivery room is still fairly safe, having someone available to make treatment decisions just in case something goes wrong is important.
A father turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after clashing with his mother-in-law over he acted after the birth of his child.
053717 asked:
"AITA for leaving my wife at the hospital to fulfill a promise to her?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So this happened years ago, but I'm still upset about it because my mother-in-law keeps bringing it up."
"Long story short, my wife's pregnancy was fraught with the craving things she couldn't have, and she made me promise her to the high heavens that when she gave birth, immediately afterward, I would go and get her a feast of all the food she wanted and couldn't have."
"The birth was very difficult, and she had to have surgery. She was unconscious for a while afterward, and I figured I should keep my promise and get her the food she asked for."
"However, when I returned with the food, she was awake, and she was upset that no one was there to greet her."
"I explained I was keeping my promise, and she laughed it off, but when she told her mother, my mother-in-law got really mad and said I should have stayed with her and gotten the food after she woke up."
"So what do you think Reddit? Does my mother-in-law have a point?"
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole (YTA).
"While you had good intentions, soft YTA. In serious situations, such as a difficult labor that results in surgery, you should never leave your partner's side until your partner is awake and it’s safe to do so, as post-surgery complications happen ALL the time."
"Just as an example here, as a side gig, I work for an answering service and one of our offices is a liver transplant Doctor. One of the patient's husband had to call in because he missed a call from the Doctor while his wife was in surgery and was advised to call back as it was urgent."
He thought it would be a good idea to go home while the surgery was happening and do a load of laundry. Yes, your situation is a bit different as she was out of surgery and still under anesthesia (likely) when she came out, but imagine how you'd feel if God forbid you got a drastic call and you were out getting her food."
"Let’s add that you mentioned surgery. I’m going to assume she was under anesthesia which can be scary for a lot of people, especially if this was not planned. The first person that she should have seen when she woke up was you." ~ GimmieDatCooch
"Sorry, YTA. Obviously it was a wonderful thing you did for your wife, but it would’ve been better to wait until she’d woken up so she wasn’t alone and confused." ~ Queasy_Difference_96
"YTA. You should have waited until she was conscious and able before you left her and the newborn alone in the hospital. This shouldn’t need to be explained to you." ~ NormativeTruth
"Your wife's opinion matters most here, but in her shoes, I'd say YTA. The getting food promise likely just wasn't made accounting for a difficult birth and surgery."
"Instead, your infant had no parent to advocate and be with them and your wife woke up alone from a scary and stressful experience."
"Have you spoken to your wife about this more recently, or are you just going off of her laughing during a tiring and jarring event?" ~ 0biterdicta
"This can't be real. You left your unconscious wife AND newborn child at the hospital immediately after a traumatic birth?YTA." ~ AllOfTheThings426
"Right I had to have surgery and my husband was holding our newborn son the whole time. Also, my parents brought the stuff I wanted to eat after I gave birth so my husband could bond with our son." ~ baby_blue_bird
"OP, do you think that when your wife asked you to make this promise, she was envisioning being unconscious after a surgery and that you would be leaving your newborn baby at the hospital with no conscious parent present?"
"I think in the future you need to consider that even if you have a detailed birth plan, things can and do go wrong and you need to make adjustments accordingly."
"I'm also not sure why the focus is on leaving your wife vs leaving your newborn. I also had a baby in the NICU and we were allowed in his room the whole time, even when there was testing/procedures going on." ~ Dr_Vink
"Bruh OP is a whole mess. I can't with this insensitive dude. Either he's a troll or just one hell of a mediocre husband." ~ princessilyrose
"I ended up with a traumatic birth that ended in surgery and after everything I couldn’t eat for easily 24 hours. Even ice was hard to keep down. My aforementioned dreams of sushi and salami sandwiches went waaaay by the wayside!" ~ MilhouseisCool
"It is not physical support she needed at this point the most. It is emotional support. He should have stayed because the situation changed and checked with her, and found out what his wife wants in this new unexpected situation."
"Remember that when his wife woke up she would have had no knowledge of whether the baby survived. Having your partner there to reassure her is far more important to do in situations like this than actually doing something 'productive'." ~ haqiqa
"Surgery can and does go wrong so many times in these situations!Imagine how he would have felt if once he got back, he found out it went really sideways and she didn't survive?"
"He should have stayed with the baby and waited. Maybe that's selfish, but after a traumatic (or even untraumatic!) birth, it's normal for the first people you look for to be your SO and your baby." ~ cward4704
"See, I don’t think he’s an a**hole because it was positive intent. But I do think this was a really dumb decision for all the reasons said and he probably needs to reflect a bit more on how to improve his decision making skills." ~ amethystalien6
"Why didn’t you get the food delivered to the hospital? YTA." ~ luciaromanomba
"A gentle YTA. I understand where you were coming from but you should have stayed at the hospital with your wife and baby. It isn’t bad enough for your MIL to still be going on about it. ~ candigirl16
"Isn’t this when Uber Eats or DoorDash is used despite the high costs? Your presence should’ve been higher priority in case something happens. YTA. ~ SimpleIngredients509
"YTA if you left your unconscious wife and fragile newborn alone to buy snacks for anyone. What did your wife do? Did she eat any of the food? Would the doctor let her? Could she eat, or did the food sit there for hours after she woke up?" ~ underwater_owl
"YTA. Yeah I very much doubt my husband would leave the hospital if I was in that kind of surgery and he wouldn’t leave the baby with out a parent around to consent if treatment is required my hub knows anything can happen things can go wrong and they would need the husband’s consent also who wakes up from surgery and wants to eat their favourite foods no one. It takes time to recover an appetite. If this is real, the intention was good but wasn’t thought through. Like at all." ~ becpuss
"You should have realized your wife would not want to be eating right after surgery and been there when she woke up. The food could come later, assuming she was allowed to eat it. When she said she was looking forward to foods she was craving, that didn’t mean she wanted them more than your actual presence and support. YTA." ~ dantemortemalizar
"Yes, leaving your wife alone in the hospital during recovery from birth is an AH move. When my husband gets a colonoscopy, someone is required to wait by the bedside while the patient recovers from anesthesia."
"Were you a teen dad for the birth of this baby? I hope, for the sake of that child, you have worked on your executive functioning skills."
"Maybe you haven't, and this is why your MIL keeps bringing it up? Since this happened years ago, you are fully aware that your wife wasn't even allowed to eat for hours after her surgery and her focus was on the newborn baby and self-care after this unexpected delivery."
"Too bad yours wasn't. The fact you still need the internet to tell you this is probably why your mother-in-law keeps bringing it up." ~ OkCollection2886
"This was a dangerously bad decision. If something had gone wrong while the wife was in surgery or recovering, or with the baby, he needed to be there to make medical decisions. Like, this isn't just a matter of her waking up alone. But I guess that didn't occur to him? ~ PurpleWeasel
The OP provided a response after getting their answer.
"So I haven't been able to read all the comments, but the general consensus here seems to be that I'm the a**hole because I probably made the wrong decision."
"Those of you who have been pointing out that my wife would not be able to eat the food immediately are totally right. The doctor made her wait 6 hours before she ate the food."
"In my defense, this was my first child, and I was incredibly nerve-racked about what happened. I was terrified and felt like I needed to do something useful and to help my wife, so I did the only thing I could think of."
"But yeah, I probably should have stayed with her."
It's unclear if OP is taking his judgment seriously. He seems to be long on excuses and explanations and short on accountability.
Maybe that's why his mother-in-law keeps bringing it up.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp