There are some milestones all parents simply can't wait to witness.
Seeing their children appear in their first sports match, school play or concert, seeing them graduate from high school and college, and seeing them get married.
But of course, the milestone all parents look forward to first and foremost is being present for the birth of their first child.
Something Redditor Alfredd6 managed to miss.
And while the original poster (OP) felt that he had a more than valid excuse for missing this once-in-a-lifetime moment, his wife and in-laws thought otherwise.
Not helping matters one bit were the OP's claims that his father was the one responsible for his absence.
Still thinking that he did do the correct and responsible thing, the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for missing my daughters birth?"
The OP explained how his work and family situation kept him from being there for his wife as she went into labor, effectively ruining a day he and his wife had been looking forward to for years.
"For a little background information, I (28 M[ale]) have a beautiful wife (27 F[emale])."
"We’ve been trying for a baby for about 3 years now, and have known each other since we were in high school."
"When my wife found out she was pregnant, we were thrilled and have been getting prepared for months now."
"She's 9 months pregnant."
"My dad is a real a**hole, but he keeps me employed."
"He owns a pretty nice Italian restaurant that has been run by my family for decades."
"I’ve worked there since I was about 15 and I am now head chef."
"The problem is, he treats his employees pretty bad, including me, and if you even miss one shift you get demoted or even worse fired."
"I was in the middle of a very hectic shift on the busiest day of the week when my MIL called saying my wife went into labor and I needed to get to the hospital right away."
"When I asked my dad if I could go he said 'you can go if you're ok with being unemployed' which I couldn't risk because after the baby was born my wife would be off work for quite a while to be a stay-at-home mom."
"The reason my dad was so mad at the idea of me leaving was that he was understaffed and really needed my help."
"When I tried calling my MIL, she wouldn’t pick up so I just kept working and I thought could explain myself later."
"Later when it was time to go home I drove to the hospital but MIL and her sisters refused to let me in the room and called me names like 'a bad father and a bad husband'."
"When it was finally time to leave the hospital my wife and newborn baby went home with MIL and they haven’t spoken to me in days even when I try and apologize and explain myself."
"I thought I was doing the right thing but I need to know, AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP found little to no sympathy from the Reddit community for missing the birth of his first child, who unanimously agreed he was the a**hole for doing so.
Everyone agreed that since the OP knew that his father was a bad employer who treated his staff poorly.
He should have taken his refusal to let him leave for the birth of his first child as the cue he needed to quit, and his wife and child should have been the clear priority.
"So when are you going to start looking for a new job?"- Typical_Golf3922
"YTA."
"You had cards in your hand, son."
"You forgot to play them."
"You should have taken your knives and said, 'good luck with never seeing your grandchild, then' and disappeared into the night."
"You had all the aces."
"Him facing his wife for saying that."
"Their being the grandparents, you knowing all the recipes and how to follow them."
"You just didn't play them because you were afraid."
"Getting one more saltimbocca out is not worth missing your child's birth for."
"You did wrong."- Aggravating_Net6733
"YTA."
"You had 9 months, and even years, since you've been planning to have a child for a long time even before your wife became pregnant, to make contingency plans and work out with your dad how to keep the restaurant staffed during your daughter's birth."
"You apparently failed to take even cursory steps to plan for time off around the time of the birth."
"That's a serious failure as a parent."
"What was your plan?"
"Were you going to leave your recovering wife home with a newborn and never take any time off to help her and to bond with your child?"- puppyfarts99
"YTA."
"Restaurants everywhere are looking for staff."
"You'd find a new job in a kitchen in a MINUTE."
"You should have grown a pair and left to see your child born."- TenaciousNarwhal
"If you are a head chef at a popular restaurant there is nothing stopping you from getting a job at another restaurant."- HairyPairatestes
"YTA."
"Grow a backbone."
"You left your wife to go through one of the hardest things without you because you can’t set boundaries."
"And you didn’t even have the decency to let her know you weren’t coming."
"Obviously your dad is the biggest a**hole."
"But you’re a close second for allowing this and for basically abandoning your wife with no explanation."- Britsgirl30
"The answer to you can’t leave is 'if you ever expect to see your grandchild, I suggest you modify your tone and say good luck to me.'"- GoodAcanthocephala95
"I'm going to offer some advice."
"Don't try to explain yourself."
"In this case that will seem like you trying to shift the responsibility of this off onto your dad being an a**hole."
"And you know what, he sounds it."
"But you actively chose not to be there for her when she went into labor."
"And explaining your reasons, again and again, will never give her the support of her husband that she expected when she went into labor the first time."
"Women die in childbirth."
"Sometimes they have to have surgery."
"It's scary and painful and hard and that was one of the moments in life you were meant to be there for her."
"She had to do it without you and you can never undo that."
"I'm saying YTA for that reason."
"Your dad may be an a**hole, but you agreed to do what he wanted."- maggienetism
"YTA and so is your father."
"What kind of AH makes his own son miss the birth of his child?"- Admirable_Bad3862
"Genuine question."
"What do you plan to do if there is ever an emergency with your child and no one else is available?"
"Or even if others are available, what if your daughter needed YOU, her father, to comfort, protect and nurture her?"
"Consider getting a new job, your father is an a**hole and you've picked him over your family and every time you give into his threats, he gets stronger and has more power against you."- turdennis
"In the 9 months you’ve been preparing for this baby, why wasn’t finding a new job a priority preparation?"
"Because you have to realize that this kind of setup isn’t sustainable in the long run if you want to have a family."
"My guess is that for your wife it wasn’t just that you missed the birth but that in doing so you gave her a picture of what her life as a mother would be like with you."
"She and your child will never be a priority.'
"AH daddy will snap his fingers and that will be it."
"How many big moments will you miss, how much of the everyday grind of childcare will you miss?"
"This job is a choice."
"You didn’t miss the birth of your child and fail to be the support your wife needed during a typically physically traumatic life-and-death event because you had to, you could have found a new job long ago."
"So why haven’t you?"
"What about working for your abusive father is so important to you as to risk your new family?"-Potential-Educator-6
"You need to look for a new job."
"This won't stop as your baby grows up."
"When you have parent-teacher conferences, games to watch, dances to chaperone, your dad will be the centerpiece of every excuse why you can't go and soon your wife and kids will not accept that excuse."
"She didn't accept it now."
"Do your new family -and you- the biggest favor you could ever do and get a new job."
"I understand the pressure of parents and manipulation, but frankly your dad is the AH for knowing your situation and putting your family's future at risk for his business."- burnttchicknug
If there's anyone more excited for a baby's arrival than the parents, it's the grandparents, making the behavior of the OP's father all the more shocking.
One can't help but pity the OP, as he will likely regret missing his daughter's birth for the rest of his life.
One can only hope that he took this unfortunate experience as the wake-up call he needed to seriously re-evaluate if it's worth working for his father.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp