A good friend is a friend who is always there for you.
However, one shouldn't be too quick to judge a friend who isn't always there for you.
As chances are they remain otherwise dependable.
It's when someone is almost never there for you, or for that matter, never there, that you should question whether or not this is truly a friend.
Redditor Confident_Office_720 had a friend with a bad habit of cancelling.
While many of their mutual friends ended up giving this cancellation-prone girl the cold shoulder, the original poster (OP) was unwilling to give up on her.
Until she demonstrated, in the OP's eyes, that she was incapable of change.
Resulting in the OP taking matters into her own hands.
After an emotional reaction from this friend, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for disinviting my flaky friend from a group event by deleting the invitation?"
The OP explained why they felt the need to do something after their friend cancelled on them one too many times:
"I have a friend from school whom I’ve held onto purely out of history, but her flakiness has been going on for years."
"She operates in cycles: we’ll have a short period where she hangs out regularly, and then she’ll just disappear off the face of the earth for weeks, completely ignoring everyone's texts."
"When I previously confronted her about how unfair it is to leave the group wondering if she's dead or alive, she agreed to stop."
"Yet she still does it."
"What makes it so grating is that during these 'ghosting' phases, she is actively on her phone responding to guys she meets on Hinge, going om dates etc."
"This is on top of a years-long pattern of making concrete plans and just not showing up, only sending a half-assed text after we've already arrived at the venue."
"For example, a friend once organized a Christmas sleepover at an Airbnb that belongs to her husband; we held a room back specifically for this girl, and she just never showed up, later sending a half-assed text saying she was 'tired' or 'got held up'."
"Another time, we were all sitting in a museum lobby waiting for her, and fifteen minutes past the meeting time she texted, 'Oh sorry, just woke up, can't make it'."
"Because this happens so frequently, most of our mutual friends entirely cut her off."
"I felt bad for her as she was losing friends, so recently, when she started making a slight effort, I decided to throw her a bone."
"Every year, a big group of about 30 of my friends (who are closer to me than her, though she knows a few) go to a venue she loves for a massive day of drinks."
"I sent her a text explicitly inviting her to come along."
"I waited, and true to form, she completely ignored it."
"Knowing she is constantly glued to her screen and was deliberately letting my text sit there, I finally had enough of the disrespect."
"I went into the chat and deleted the invitation messages entirely, effectively rescinding the invite right out from under her."
"Now, she has suddenly found her keyboard."
"She is messaging me demanding to know why I deleted the texts and is asking for details about the event."
"She’s getting annoyed because I am refusing to give her any further information or logistics."
"I feel like she blew her chance by ignoring the message in the first place, and I'm exhausted from giving her grace she doesn't deserve after years of being treated like an afterthought."
"She is saying i didn't give her enough time to respond."
"AITA for rescinding the invite?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided as to whether or not they felt the OP was the a**hole for disinviting their friend.
Some didn't think anyone came off looking particularly good, feeling the OP's friend needed to clean up her act, but that the OP could have handled things more maturely:
"ESH."
"Use your words like you learned in kindergarten."
"Try, 'hey, I invited you because I was hoping to see you. But when you ignored the invitation, I didn’t want to get ghosted again, so I uninvited you to spare my own feelings. We’ve known each other a long time, and it’s frustrating to me that I can’t count on you. So to protect my own mental health, I will wait for an invitation from you when you’re ready to make a plan without canceling or ignoring texts.”
"I get that you uninvited her out of frustration."
"But if you just ghost her back, that’s not addressing the issue, and you’ll both be pissed."- SugarsBoogers
"ESH."
"Her behavior is maddening, but this revocation of the invite feels petty."
"It doesn’t sound like she would hold anything up or put anyone else out if she flaked."
"Don’t just disinvite with no warning or explanation."
"All you had to do was send a follow-up message explaining this is the last time you’re reaching out to her because of her behavior."
"Also, this get-together will proceed as if she is not showing up, so no waiting or saving seats."
"If she comes, great; if not, too bad."- Gertrude_D
Most, however, felt the OP did the right thing, feeling they sent their friend the message she needed to hear:
"NTA."
"Cut her off, you don't need the aggravation."
"It was nice of you to give her a final chance, but she blew it...walk away clean and be content with your actions."- vaisatriani
"NTA."
"She only found her keyboard once you took something away."- sugarbananaxo
"NTA."
"But stop treating her like a friend, she's just an acquaintance that will talk to you when it's convenient."- Taigac
"NTA."
"You've been way too kind to her (which is partly why she thinks she can keep taking the piss)."
"Firm consequences are the best way to deal with her at this point."- Beautiful-Peak399
"NTA."
"I’m exhausted for you."
"You gave her so many chances, and she kept letting you down."
"It hurts."
"Rescinding was self-respect."
"Let her go pls."- Sharp_Lettuce4356
"NTA."
"You guys have been enabling her bad behavior for years."
"If you keep being the lead enabler, people will start cutting YOU off because you bring her drama with you."
"History and guilt trips aren't enough to hang on to a friendship."
"Friends are people you WANT to be around."
"Life is too short to wait on people who don't respect your time and effort."
"You did the right thing."
"Just be done with it."
"Girl knows, she has been called on her crap before and hasn't changed. OP, move on with your life."- drharleenquinzel92
"NTA."
"But just tell her you’ve had enough, she’s clearly not going to learn unless it’s the hard way and there’s tangible consequences."- ProtectiveofmyStuff
"NTA."
"You've had enough of being her backup plan."- TrixxieVic
"NTA."
"In the future, should you choose to include her in a casual group hangout, post the time/date in the group chat, but no other reminders."
"If she shows up, she shows up; if she doesn’t, don’t even mention it to her after the fact."
"This way she can’t say she was being actively excluded."
"And don’t invite her to anything that requires a reservation or an RSVP."- archiangel
"NTA."
"Just ignore her messages as she ignored yours."- JenninMiami
"NTA for rescinding, as you did."
"But that's the action (the way it was done) of someone who is DONE, and withdrawing from interaction."
"So if you're responding to her complaints or pleas in any way, you need to stop."
"If you have been, tell her, now, that you're done, and then stop responding."- LeviathanLorb44
"NTA."
"Just stop responding."- iambecomesoil
"NTA."
"She says you didn't give her enough time to respond, but it sounds like she's been asking for more time for years."
"At some point, chronic flakiness stops being a scheduling problem and starts being a respect problem."
"Everyone else manages to answer messages, cancel plans before people are already waiting, and generally act like their friends' time matters."
"The funniest part is that she suddenly became very responsive the moment the invite disappeared."
"Apparently, the issue was never her phone."
"It was the priority level she basically had for you."- Rosacurly
While others felt the OP didn't need to sink as low to get their message across:
"Soft YTA not for rescinding the invite but for not telling her why."
"Be honest with her that you had enough from her ghosting behavior and not showing up, and that you realized it now that enough is enough and you are not going to put anymore effort in that friendship."- Trevena_Ice
One would think that this friend would come to realize that if she kept canceling on this particular group, chances are she would stop being invited to gatherings.
Apparently, it took an invitation literally disappearing from her text messages to teach her that.
While the OP succeeded in sending this message, she will now have to come to accept that she lost a friend in doing so.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.