There is never a good way to tell parents people don't like their kids.
Even if the kids are an unruly mess, that must hurt to hear.
This is why, as time goes on, and friends have children, other friends put in a little distance, which strains relationships.
People start to get left out of events or disinvited.
That last part is never an easy conversation.
Redditor Lower_One3014 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA if I politely uninvite a couple's badly behaved kids from our party?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My husband (36 M[ale]) and I (27 F[emale]) are hosting his birthday party this Saturday."
"We have no kids, just three large, energetic huskies."
"We invited a couple with three young kids (4, 2, and a newborn, plus one on the way), but now we're regretting it."
"They're not the best friends: very needy, always asking for help (rides, gas money, childcare) but rarely reciprocating."
"The mom even complained at an event that 'no one helps her,' despite several of us constantly doing so."
"The real issue is that their kids are wild."
"They don't discipline them, and last time they were at our house, it was chaos, dumping water bowls, breaking things, running everywhere."
"Since it was their first visit, we let it slide, but we can't handle that again."
"My husband now wishes we hadn't invited them, and I agree."
"The problem is, this isn't a strict 'no kids' party… other friends are bringing their well-behaved kids, which we don't mind."
"We just don't want their kids there."
"How do I tell them we'd love for them to come, but only if they get childcare?"
"I was thinking of framing it as a chance for a 'kid-free break' and apologizing for the late notice."
"Also, my husband just told me he's not that keen on them coming at all, since they don't really put effort into the friendship."
"The husband, in particular, has distanced himself from the guys in our friend group, despite their efforts to support him."
"I forgot to add that the only reason they were 'invited' was because they were in a group chat with a few other couples and because I got lazy."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Are we screwed? How do we handle this?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA- in the future, do NOT use group chats for invites or if you have anything critical to say about anyone."
"Trust me, I've seen too much s**t go down because of group chats." ~ No_Stage_6158
"I don't know the best way to handle this in your current situation, but I have to say that you should have figured out how to handle the situation before you invited them."
"It doesn't sound like there's been any change in their behavior since you invited them, it doesn't sound like there's any new knowledge about them or their kids, so... why did you invite them in the first place?"
"I don't think you're an a**hole for your desires, but I do think you handled the situation poorly."
"Needing to back out now is going to make you look ahole-ish even if it's justified."
"Better to have thought it through first, instead of inviting them and then needing to back pedal." ~ BigBigBigTree
"I would have a different conversation than the ones discussed here."
"Bring up the last visit, mention specifics like the water bowl and breaking item."
"Tell them that you don't expect a repeat of such behavior and ask them what they plan to do to better supervise their children."
"Make it clear that if the children are again running wild, they will be asked to leave."
"You need to put this on them and their undisciplined children, not on you and your disdain for their lack of parenting." ~ Aromatic_Recipe1749
"I think uninviting them in that way would be the end of the friendship, which could be acceptable to you."
"I find it's rarely a good idea to burn bridges entirely."
"If you have some money to throw at this problem, you could hire someone to take care of the children."
"Designate a small area with some kid activities and a babysitter to keep them distracted from becoming little tornadoes in your home."
"Maybe you can get a college student or something."
"Maybe hire someone from an agency."
"Of course, whatever distraction the person provides would have to be available to all the children, but mandatory for this couple's children."
"You could even point out that they're always complaining they don't get help, so you have hired help so they can enjoy the party."
"You might actually find them nice people if they're not working so hard to ignore their kids."
"I understand there has to be a solution one way or another."
"You can just not invite them in the future, but for whatever reason, their friends, you probably would lose that."
"The number of times I have simply allowed distance in her friendship rather than going nuclear, and then yours are even decades later, the person evolves and I'm so glad I still know them."
"NTA, but choose wisely." ~ Competitive_Cod_3843
"Children are not naughty and undisciplined at ages 4 and 2."
"It sounds like you don't like the parents, which is fine."
"But kids doing kid stuff is normal—they're not short adults." ~ Open-Goose5077
OP responded...
"I'm not a parent, but I've met lots of toddlers and young children who were full of energy and did plenty of 'kid stuff,' but when they crossed the line or got too rambunctious, the parents were quick to set it straight."
"Even 2-year-olds can have set limits."
"It's completely up to the PARENTS to do that of course. "
"That's what I'm trying to say, the mom did not even try at all when she was here."
"WE were getting up and running after the kids more than she was."
"Granted, yes, with a newborn I get she's probably exhausted, but it was even like this before she had the newborn."
Reddit continued...
"NTA... those friends sound like a handful, you could just try and be honest about it, 'hey look sorry for the late notice but after the chaos with your kids last time could you sort out child care as we all want to relax and your kids are a bit wild - what you cant afford a babysitter well I am sorry that you cant come' see its that easy job done." ~ real-experience1
"There's no nice way to rescind an invitation."
"Do your best to childproof your house before the party and ask a couple of trusted guests if they can help watch over the toddlers."
"After this event, you can refrain from inviting them in the future." ~ algunarubia
"You're in a pickle, but hindsight isn't helpful after a decision has happened."
"Uninviting them or even just their kids will affect the relationship, but is that a problem?"
"It sounds like it has been one-sided and run its course."
"Obviously, don't be rude, but just tell them sorry for the late notice, but you've decided you want a more relaxed party and need them to get childcare."
"If they say their kids are angels, politely but firmly, that that wasn't the case last time, as evidenced by the disruption."
"NTA... because I'm tired of people not watching and disciplining their kids." ~ iheartwords
"You can totally uninvite the family or just the kids."
"It will likely tank the relationship with those friends and potentially the others in the friend group you may have."
"I suggest two things if that's unacceptable."
"Hire an on-site child minder for the day."
"A professional, not a teen from down the road."
"And board your huskies."
"Both are expensive - but then so is if the kids get hurt in your house (and assuming you are in the house)."
"There is also your peace of mind."
"Can you enjoy your own party under those circumstances?"
"I hope it works out for you no matter what!" ~ FaithSlayer6
A few Redditors had a slightly different opinion...
"YTA but you can avoid it."
"Call them and have an adult conversation that a few things were broken last time."
"Just let them know you want the kids there and that it's a phase. I hope they can help avoid a repeat."
"Then if it happens again, they will understand all future non-invites." ~ crazydaysmpls
"YWBTA to uninvited."
"Take one for the team this last time."
"In the future, fresh start and start a new friend chat sans the tornado family." ~ Plastic_Cat9560
"YTA, you already invited them so suck it up this time."
"If the kids misbehave, bring it up and be like hey, I can't have you guys over anymore."
"Unless, of course, you don't care if you lose a 'friend,' go ahead and disinvite them now." ~ PeacoPeaco
"It doesn't sound like either of you even like them, but you invited them, YTA for that."
"But uninvited they will not be your friends anymore, so problem solved." ~ SnooRadishes8848
Reddit continued...
"NTA, you should disinvite them all."
"They are obviously not grateful for all the help you have given them, and their children are wild, so there shouldn't be any worries about the consequences."
"Let this friendship die." ~ IAmTAAlways
"NTA if you don't want these people at your party, because it is your home and you get to decide who you have in your space."
"HOWEVER… If you go through with rescinding an invitation to either the kids or to the whole family, consider the friendship over."
"It's kind of rude to invite some friends' kids but not all friends' kids."
"And once these parents find out you don't like their kids, they won't want to be around you anymore anyway."
"OR, you take the hard lesson and let them come."
"Do you know that it IS 'my house, my rules,' and you have a right to tell the children they may NOT play in the water bowl, touch your things, etc."
"Do be prepared to provide entertainment for other people's kids when they are guests in your home, ALL the kids!"
"Have games or an activity planned to keep them occupied."
"There's no easy way out of this."
"You didn't think it through before the invite was sent, and you'll look like the AH if you uninvite them, even though it's within your rights to do so." ~ ImpossibleIce6811
"I don't think you can get out of the situation without hurting their feelings."
"They're going to want to know why you're uninviting them."
"Reserve my verdict." ~ DefiantUpstairs1651
"NTA. There is a difference between kids being kids and kids having no understanding of anything because the parents let them do whatever."
"My best friend had to learn the hard way when she tried to be friends with her child instead of being a parent to her child."
"But luckily because he had me around, he is now a sweet, nice, and well-mannered 15-year-old." ~ LionPast6831
"Well, you did already invite them, so yeah it would be a dick move to take that invitation back."
"Not unreasonable considering the circumstances, though."
"Sometimes you have to be a little bit of a d**k."
"If I were you, I'd be honest with them."
'Tell them that the reason their kids specifically aren't welcome is a direct consequence of their behaviour last/first time they were at your house. NAH." ~ literallynotlandfill
"NTA. Tell them you and your husband have decided that it would be best if you go your separate ways, and they're uninvited to the upcoming party."
"Have a good life, etc."
"Then block or mute them on everything." ~ incospicuous_echoes
OP came back with an Update...
"Thanks, everyone, for the nice and not-so-nice comments."
"I sent the invite to that group chat to avoid having to message each person individually."
"Some of those couples in the chat who we love also have kids, but they are better behaved."
"To my dismay, my husband informed me AFTER I had sent the invite to that chat, that he didn't really want the couple with naughty kids there."
"So hubby is a bit to blame for his timing, but ALL IS WELL NOW."
"I called the mom a few minutes ago, and we spoke, and I said that we are asking all parents to please find childcare if they can."
"Which is true, we did ask the other couples that last night, but if they can't find childcare they can bring their WELL BEHAVED kids."
"She told me she was last minute invited to a cousin's sweet 16 which happens to be on the same day, so they will just be going to that instead."
"I'm not sure if I believe that, but I guess it worked out!"
"Not sure where the friendship with them will go from here, but I guess we'll find out."
"However, going forward, we will NOT be inviting them to future events."
"Lesson learned."
It's great to hear that it all worked out, OP.
This was sounding like quite the pickle.
Uninviting people to anything is never easy or a good look.
Most of Reddit understood your plight.
Now you know better for next time.
Good luck with future events.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp