When two people intend to stay together happily ever after, they should be ready to commit to being there for each other through everything, perhaps especially when one person is ill and struggling to care for themselves.
Fortunately, sometimes people reveal who they really are, and what they won't be willing to do in their marriage, before those vows are ever exchanged, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor HaceTutito had recently had a tough medical procedure and was struggling with pain and discomfort.
Because of this, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when her fiancé accused her of not taking care of him and providing him with emotional comfort while she was struggling.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by not wanting to talk to my fiancé until I'm feeling better, since he's offended that I didn't comfort him when I was in absolute pain from my medical procedure?"
The OP was very committed to her relationship with her partner.
"My (21 Female) boyfriend (23 Male) is, in some ways, perfect. He was my first and only partner. We have been together for almost a year now, and we don't live together yet (this is important)."
"He is my only companion. I was homeschooled, so I don't have many friends, and my family is Jehovah's Witnesses."
"He even celebrated my birthday this year (banned in Jehovah's Witnesses)."
However, the OP's partner made some questionable choices during their relationship.
"He has a little problem: he ALWAYS needs to be comforted when he does me wrong, and he has done some very nasty things."
"For example, I asked if he could upload some photos of us to his Instagram stories, and he uploaded a photo of me sitting on the toilet. I was really angry and asked him to take it down. He got angry because I got angry."
"He always does this."
"There is not a single thing in this relationship that he has done wrong where I didn't end up comforting him because 'his feelings got hurt' while doing me wrong."
"This usually includes me giving him a sincere apology. Why? Because I hurt him by saying things in a way he perceives as a mean way. I have to clarify that it's not objectively mean; I just say things in a firm way."
"Two other things to add: he works for my parents. He can ask to leave whenever he wants, or he can say, 'Hey, I can't come in on this or that day,"'and my parents have zero problem with that. He knows this."
"Also, he has a REALLY bad problem managing his money. It doesn't help that he has spent a large amount of money on a special interest of his called Gundams. These things are basically like Lego sets of giant mechas."
When the OP had a major medical procedure, her partner wasn't there for her.
"So yesterday, I had to undergo a medical procedure that he had known about for weeks."
"He had a work shift that day, and he decided that the shift was more important than accompanying me because he had asked for a loan so he could buy more Gundams (he hasn't even built the ones he already has), so he wanted the money."
"The procedure (IUD insertion) was the most painful experience of my life. I almost fainted during it, and when it was over, I vomited from the pain."
"I had to leave the hospital alone (it was an outpatient procedure) and take an Uber home. I almost fainted and vomited again in the Uber because even the slightest movement made the pain even more unbearable."
"When I arrived home (I live with my grandmother, and she can't know that I had this procedure because she is one of Jehovah's Witnesses), I tried to take the medication the doctor gave me. However, because of the pain I was experiencing, my body couldn't handle liquids or the medication, so I threw up."
"My boyfriend seemed somewhat annoyed, and I don't know why. We tried to chat, but my pain was unbearable, so I called him. I could barely speak. After three hours, I was finally able to get some sleep."
"After I woke up, I spoke to him via text. I was feeling a little better, but he was still annoyed. I was the one asking him if he was okay, and he said he was hungry. He barely talked to me at all, and all I wanted was some emotional support."
"So later that night, I got angry and told him that I couldn't understand how he couldn't even talk to me."
The OP's partner continued to shift the blame onto her.
"This morning, he asked me if I was mad at him. I said yes and explained why, including everything I mentioned above. Because I am still in severe pain, I can't speak normally, so I referred to his Gundams as 'toys.'"
"I waited for his response, but it never came. So I messaged him again, and he told me, 'I'm mad at you because you called them 'toys,' and now you're rushing me to feel better?'"
"This exact situation repeats itself over and over again, and I know what he wants: an apology (which I already gave him for saying 'toys') and emotional comfort from me. But I can't. I'm in severe pain and deeply disappointed."
"I can't help feeling sad and frustrated that he constantly needs to be babied when it was my feelings that got hurt."
"So, even if this is going too far, I don't want to speak to him until I'm doing better mentally and physically."
"My boyfriend is now texting me through Discord, Instagram, and other apps because I am not responding to him."
"I'm also considering breaking up with him."
"I asked a friend, and he told me that I was exaggerating and needed to be more understanding."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some questioned what was so "perfect" about the OP's boyfriend.
"He is perfect... ly vile. What a horrible human." - Umm_is_this_thing_on
"The OP writes, 'My boyfriend is in some ways perfect…' and then proceeds to explain several examples of how f**king s**tty of a person he is. I feel bad for this girl." - GinaTRex
"I couldn’t even get past the part where he uploaded a photo of you on the toilet. NOR. Please dump him." - scoh112
"I stopped reading after the second paragraph. WHAT THE F**K." - trekgirl75
"There are so many things wrong with this guy and this relationship. It should say a lot to you that so many people were not able to even stomach reading this… because what you described was absolutely horrible boyfriend material."
"1. You are hurt, and he somehow convinced you that his feelings still matter more."
"2. He clearly doesn’t care about your feelings."
"3. To get you to stop asking him to post a photo of you, he posts an absolutely wretched photo to make you regret asking him, or maybe he genuinely thought it was funny? Even if that is true… it only proves he will do what he perceives as funny at your expense with no regard or respect for you as a person."
"4. HE DID NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR PAIN!! That’s it. That’s the dealbreaker. You need nothing more than that to break this off."
"A basic requirement for a husband is as simple as being there for you and caring for you and even catering to you when you are in pain… He didn’t." - FizzyDre55
"I would chew my own arm off to get away from somebody that fragile and self-absorbed." - Foolish-Pleasure99
"This is one of those, 'Well, he doesn’t outright beat me, and he hasn’t done SYZ, which is what I was raised to believe I deserve, so he’s perfect.'" - AutistaChick
"An a**hole, he's perfect at being an a**hole." - Icy_Anything_8874
"She thinks he is perfect because she doesn’t know better. I can’t wait for her next relationship when she realizes this guy actually has no good qualities." - thinksying
Others urged the OP to exit the relationship, certain that the situation would only get worse.
"I’m gonna be so real with you, girl. This is never going to get better. He is going to use any and every excuse to turn every single situation into HIMSELF as the victim."
"Also, you are planning on taking 'in sickness and in health' vows soon, and he has just shown you that he will easily stomp on that vow with no remorse. This is you in sickness, and he is not here for you. Please read that again."
"Also also, I cannot even stress enough how f**king ridiculous it is that he expects an apology from you for calling his toys… toys. I mean, seriously? 23 going on 13."
"I hear that you are considering breaking up with him, and as somebody who has been in the same situation of IUD insertion causing me crippling pain beyond expression, and has a partner that would NEVER do this to me (after years and years of searching), I personally believe it is the right decision to break off the engagement. I promise it is not too late."
"Oh, and also, NOR." - emogirl450
"There is a room in my house where I have a workbench, lathe, and all the bits that go with it."
"My wife frequently refers to all that stuff as 'toys' and the space as my 'playroom.' Mostly, she is OK with it. Occasionally, it bugs her. The nouns remain the same."
"In essence, she is correct. I go there to do stuff that is meaningful to me and that I choose to do because I like it. It's not work, and it's not an expectation. It is every definition of 'play.'"
"If you are getting twisted out of shape because your partner isn't as obsessed with your hobbies as you are and you are missing your relationship duties to feed your personal joys, then that is very much a you problem and has nothing to do with the language they use about your toys."
"Please note: This is very different from belittling your partner because of what they enjoy or depriving them of any opportunity to play." - TabbyOverlord
"You're not married yet. Don't think that he'll change after he said these vows. He will consider it a tradition, but not an actual promise, so you have to know that the actual promise is in how he treats you before you get married."
"People like him are waving red flags around already, and it will only get worse after he locks you down." - EatThisShirt
"He’s showing exactly who he is right off the bat, and it’s actually a blessing: you can run faster!"
"The guy doesn’t want a girlfriend; he wants a mommy… forever. Run, my friend, run!!! You deserve better!" - Unfair-Store-9108
"Just saying, when I got one inserted (then had it removed as it was not placed correctly), my husband, then boyfriend, got the couch all set up with my heating pad, remotes, video game controllers, and had my favorite TV show ready before I was home. Throughout the day, he got me water and snacks, checked in on me, and took care of the dogs & chores for the next two days."
"Your boyfriend sucks. You need to ask yourself if you trust him by your side during the worst of times (physically and emotionally). IUD insertion is incredibly painful, and he wasn't there for you in any shape or form."
"If you want to have kids in the future, do you trust him to be by your side? To help you to the bathroom, to walk, keep calm, and to eat? My labor was about 24 hours, and my husband was by my side the entire time, holding my hand. Walked me to the bathroom, helped me use the bathroom, offered to wipe me if I couldn't do it with the pain and discomfort/wires everywhere."
"Those are the times that you need a true partner to help you in the most vulnerable stages. And I'm not sure if your boyfriend will be able/willing to help you through those times." - Victeliz
As important as this relationship might be to the OP right now, it was clear to the subReddit that it was a first-love sort of situation, not a lasting, unconditional love that a person would want to carry into a marriage.
Now that she'd seen how he'd treat her after a major medical procedure, she'd be better off breaking up with him before having another one of any kind.
