We might know that not all relationships are meant to last forever, but it's harder to tell that some are falling apart than others.
Sometimes it takes something pretty drastic for the cracks to start to show, and for someone to realize that they need to get out sooner rather than later, side-eyed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor earthy-ace-space realized that something was wrong over her boyfriend's showers, of all things. Not only was he taking lengthy showers and using up all of the hot water, but when she mentioned needing one herself, she was met with the silent treatment and uncomfortable staring.
When her boyfriend punished her by rushing out of the house after a slightly shortened shower, the Original Poster (OP) knew they had a problem.
She asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for asking my boyfriend to take a shorter shower?"
The OP's boyfriend had developed a habit of taking very long showers.
"I (21 Female) live with my boyfriend (22 Male) of almost two years who likes to take hour-long showers in the morning. Sometimes, they’re longer than that."
"I’ve expressed the want for him to take shorter showers because there are two of us and it’s a waste of water."
"Also, when he’s taking long showers, it’s not because he’s shaving or doing anything else. He’ll just stand there and let the water run or watch videos."
"I try to be understanding because he works hard, but I need the shower in the morning, too. If he’s washing his hair, I of course just let it slide."
"We both work and our start times sometimes change."
One morning, the OP asked her boyfriend to consider her shower needs, too.
"That being said, he works today, but I’m off. He gets up around 7:00 AM to take a shower before work, which he has to start at 10:00 AM."
"I’m off today and on my period, so I took the time to get extra rest."
"I told him throughout the week that I had two things I needed to go to today and that I’d be up early. I also needed to get laundry done beforehand and needed to take an extensive shower (shave, wash hair, etc), and being on my period, I really wanted to shower, which he knew."
"He only needed to wash his body this morning. I heard him get up, so I sat up and kindly said, 'Oh hey, I know you like to take long showers, but could you please just shorten it today because I also have to shower as well?'"
The OP's boyfriend had a bewildering response to her request.
"He proceeded to just stare at me and ignore the question."
"So I asked again and said, 'Okay?' to make sure he heard me."
"He said he didn’t want to and that the hot water would be back in a bit."
"I told him I needed to take a shower within the next hour because I had things to do and I needed to get the day started."
"He started going back and forth with me, which confused me, because I thought it was a simple ask."
"He finally said, 'I’m just gonna take my shower.'"
"So I asked, 'Please just keep it reasonable,' to which he repeated himself in annoyance."
"I told him I wasn’t trying to start any issues; I just needed him to compromise this morning."
The OP was concerned about how her boyfriend interacted with her.
"Throughout the conversation, he would just stop talking and stare at me."
"I’d ask him, 'Are you thinking of a response or something, or are you just ignoring me?'"
"Sometimes he needs to think first to collect his thoughts before talking, which leaves a moment of silence, but he would just shrug and turn around or just ignore me completely."
"I thought that was kind of messed up because I was being very calm. I don't know."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some found the boyfriend to be incredibly inconsiderate of the OP's needs and the water supply.
"As a fellow dude that can spend over an hour in the shower too... It seems to me like he has no respect for you."
"The least he could do is let you shower first, or take a short shower just one time; he's doing neither because he wants to get his way."
"Besides, if I had someone I cared about and they told me to waste less water... That's a really normal ask, and it sounds to me like he's treating it as an outlandish request."
"NTA. He's not going for a compromise, giving you the silent treatment. He has no regard for your needs even when you're in pain." - tabwomp
"NTA, he sounds like an inconsiderate brat. An hour shower is plain stupid, and the fact he can't sacrifice his stupid ritual for one day to let you deal with your health and important errands is flat out a**hole behaviour."
"He can't even have a proper conversation with you. Just staring at you like a dumba**. Why put up with his petty bulls**t?" - ConqueringKing_Darq
"He's selfish as all get-out, OP. His lack of consideration for you comes through in this. Frankly, taking an hour-long shower is incredibly environmentally s**tty."
"Not to mention the fact that it must drive your water bill through the roof."
"So now you get to ask yourself whether someone who is this inconsiderate and disrespectful of your very reasonable request. Is someone you want to spend more time with?" - PilotEnvironmental46
"When I was growing up we had a 10-minute shower limit- go more than a couple minutes past that and the hot water ‘disappeared,’ as in it got shut off."
"It sounds like your boyfriend does not respect you. I’d honestly be taking a look at the relationship as a whole." - Realistic-Arugula578
"NTA at all. He's ridiculous! I'm guessing you don't have to pay for water because you're probably in an apartment. Wait until you buy a house with him in the future, and you have to pay for water."
"Do either of you, especially him, understand how high your water bill, along with hot water, will cost you?? He's in for a huge freaking surprise!"
"When we were growing up, my dad set a timer, and we only had 15 minutes to take a shower and do whatever else needed to be done in the bathroom (brush our teeth, dry our hair, makeup, etc). I'm 60, and I'm still only taking five- to seven-minute showers (basically two or three songs worth), because I'm still in the mindset of taking short showers (thanks, Dad! LOL)!"
"If he won't listen to you about this, acts like a baby when he doesn't get his way or sulks or won't even compromise when you've repeatedly told him you need to shower too, he'll NEVER change. This is a preview of your future with him." - TheBrat66
Others were very concerned about the boyfriend's lack of responses and habit of staring.
"I’d switch from, 'Okay?' to 'Do you understand?' while speaking very slowly if he’s just staring like that. Legitimately infuriating."
"And if he tries to pull something, like saying that you're talking to him like a child, then he should stop acting like one."
"It’s one thing to need a second or two to process new information, but staring blankly after being asked to take a slightly shorter shower? Seriously?"
"He already knows what a shower is. He knows what time is. This is weaponized incompetence at its worst." - Numerical-Wordsmith
"Honey... I'm 58 and have seen some things in life. This behavior (not so much the inconsiderate shower/hot water hogging, but definitely the refusal to engage in basic communication) is MAJOR red flag behavior."
"He will never pull his weight. You will do all of the housework, child care, and stew in your anger, and he will eventually cheat on you, blame you, and leave you. This can't be fixed. Leave him." - SobriquetHeart
"This guy does not give a f**k about you. Sorry to be so blunt. But he can't even respond to you half the time (staring and no answer), and when he does respond it's the equivalent of, 'I don't give a f**k.'"
"This is about a shower. A SHOWER."
"If he cannot compromise and be reasonable and thoughtful about something so minor, then he absolutely won't when it really matters."
"Just leave. You'd be better off on your own, and then you can find someone who actually sees you as a person they care about and want to make compromises for." - PaganDreams
"There is give and take in relationships, and it seems in this situation, at least for him, there is only take."
"If he’s like this in this small ask, I’m not sure how he will be on more important matters."
"You need to decide if you’re willing to put up with this behavior."
"Personally, I’d be gone." - able46
"The answer is your boyfriend is a self-indulgent, spoiled, wasteful jerk. Move on. Imagine someday buying a house with him and getting your water bill, which would probably seem like the water consumption for a small hotel."
"He is RIDICULOUS, selfish, irresponsible, dismissive, arrogant, and wasteful and cannot be bothered with reasonable compromise, and that's the kiss of death for any future together if you think about it for a minute."
"It's gonna be his way or the highway, and you'll get that blank look every time for an answer to questions he does not like. Life with a person like this gets worse, not better. You're too young to settle for this one." - Swimming-Ad620
"What you asked for was reasonable. Any person who respects another person would understand immediately and do as asked. Considering the sheer ignorance and dismissive behavior, he lacks respect towards you entirely."
"As soon as something becomes mildly inconvenient for him, even if it would help you greatly, he stops being a partner and thinks only of himself. He does not appear to like you, let alone love you."
"Think about this. This will be your life. Do you want this? Today was the shower. What will be next?"
"No respect. No consideration. NTA." - QuestionableCompany
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
"Update: He did end up cutting the shower and also decided to leave earlier than he usually does."
"I’ve read all your comments and replies and agree that the ignoring and staring are not okay. I'm definitely reconsidering some things."
"We’ve also been together for a year and a half, so this behavior popping up now was interesting to see."
"Another point, just to clarify. I can hear and see the videos. It’s usually just him scrolling on TikTok/Youtube Shorts, a car repair video, or a gaming video. I’ve walked in and checked, and he’ll just be standing there watching them or just standing there facing the curtain or wall."
"I also know a lot have said to just shower earlier. I needed extra rest and had an alarm set."
"I just so happened to hear him get up, so I asked him to take a shorter shower and to be mindful of the water because I also needed to shower before I left and did not want to take a cold shower."
Then the OP shared an update about the relationship in a second post.
"I wasn’t expecting y’all to blow up that post like that."
"But, I talked to him this morning about everything, even beyond the situation yesterday, and we did break up this morning."
"It was a long time coming, and I’m feeling alright."
"Thank you all for your advice yesterday."
Fellow Redditors were glad to see the boyfriend out of the OP's life.
"Woow!! It was obviously deeper than the shower. His time was more important than yours. And he was entitled. Good for you, hun." - BurbNBougie
"Finally someone that realizes their worth. Good job." - AlexNKarlie
"Honest to God, good luck to him finding someone who is fine with his one-hour shower morning routine. I hope he can afford two bathrooms before his next relationship."
"I’m happy you can move forward. Can you even imagine what it would have been like parenting with this man-child?!" - Key_Dragonfruit_2563
"Excellent! You will find yourself feeling a lot better about you and your life. Your peace of mind should expand exponentially. I’m glad you realized what was really going on with this toxic and unsustainable relationship." - Intelcourier
"Good for you. Even being single the rest of your life would be better than being with that guy." - Traditional_Crew2017
The subReddit was alarmed by the boyfriend's silent treatment and staring episodes when the OP asked him something that he believed inconvenienced him.
Clearly, the showers were just one indicator of much deeper problems, and the OP would be able to move on rather than having to worry about navigating them.
