For the most part, hygiene is a personal issue.
Not everyone is too conscious about how often they wash their hands, as opposed to those who smother their hands with hand sanitizer every five minutes.
Many would agree, however, that there is a basic expectation of personal hygiene when in shared space.
If only to be considerate of the people around you.
Redditor Character-Worker-339 and her boyfriend (BF) had markedly different views on personal hygiene.
So different that it nearly ended their relationship multiple times.
Thankfully, it seemed that progress was being made.
Until the OP made it clear that certain things were off-limits until his boyfriend made adjustments to his personal hygiene.
Something he was less than eager to do.
Concerned she might have been unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole Here" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for hardly ever wanting to cuddle with my bf?"
The OP explained why they felt the need to set boundaries with her boyfriend:
"My BF (28 M[ale]) and I (21 F[emale) have been together for a year and a half."
"I've always had issues with his hygiene."
"He has a skin condition on his head so he can't shampoo it, and uses that as an excuse to not shower at all for a month at a time."
"He also will wear the same pants for a week and the same underwear for a month."
"I won't go into detail about the rest of his hygiene, but it's so bad that it's ridiculous to even tell people."
"Recently, I tried to break up with him and cited his hygiene as one of the more minor reasons."
"I felt that we could work things out, so we remained together."
"Fast forward a month, and his hygiene has remained the same, maybe even gotten worse."
"I tried to break up with him AGAIN and cited hygiene as a more important reason this time, and he said that he didn't know it was that important to me and that he thought I was joking."
"He told me he'd work on it so I'm giving him another chance (I know it sounds stupid)."
"It's been about a week since the second almost-breakup, and I have been leaning away from him when he tries to kiss me (sometimes) and don't want to cuddle 50% of the time because he smells like sweat or dirt."
"About an hour ago, he asked if I wanted to cuddle, and I said no because he smells like sweat."
"He got really upset, and I felt really bad because I know he just wants affection, but I don't think I'm crazy for wanting a boyfriend who keeps himself clean."
"If you have any questions, I'll answer. If knowing how bad his hygiene has gotten will really help you form an answer, just ask."
"Am I the a**hole?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was more than justified in refusing to cuddle with her smelly boyfriend.
Everyone agreed that not only was it completely reasonable for the OP to refuse to cuddle with her boyfriend, but many felt she should have broken up with her boyfriend when he had the chance:
"Gross."
"No."- XtraChrisP
"NTA."
"But girls have some self-respect and dump him."
"That’s disgusting and if he really cared about your relationship, he’d do the simple task of showering to make things better."-spongebobsworsthole
"Is this your government-assigned boyfriend or something?"
"Maybe the reason he has a skin condition is because he doesn't clean it."- snearthworm
"You are 21."
"Please just break up."
"NTA."- ScholarFun7707
"Wtf did I just read?"
"This has to be rage bait."
"I almost threw up in my mouth."- Beneficial-Remove693
"You can find someone who showers regularly, trust me."
"NTA."- Gonna_do_this_again
"Stop 'trying' to break up with him and dump him."
"Not showering = vomit."
"The first time you noticed him going more than 48 hours without cleaning himself, you should have been out of there like a shot."
"And I'll bet that any clothes you wear to his place/around him will just reek."
"NTA."- mahogany818
"Okay, even past the hygiene problem— why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t care about your comfort and doesn’t respect you?"
"You can find someone else who makes you happy and also has good hygiene."
"YTA to yourself, please have some standards."- itwillhavegeese
"'You’re not…leave."
"1) the age gap is weird and 2) the funk…ugh."- Strange-Pitch5251
"He is showing you who he is and how he lives."
"He won't change."
"Is this how you want to live?"- Rosie_222
"What is it with women tolerating men with disgusting or non-existent hygiene?"
"How many of these posts have we seen?!"- MadameAllura
"I've always wondered how people like your BF even get into relationships."
"I mean surely, you noticed he smells and doesn't bathe pretty soon into the talking stage, and if you two are intimate."
"Yuck."- Practical-Earth3228
"'I felt that we could work things out so we remained together'."
"Well, that wasn't very smart of you."- Daztur
"Y'all are 7 years apart?"
"Do you think your retraction could stem from you generally being unattracted to a stinky, older man?"
"Not all older men are stinky, lol, but it for sure isn't going to help you."
"When did ya meet?"
"Lol had to say it, sorry."- TrickySatisfaction81
"It sounds like you need to stop 'trying' to break up."
"Clearly, this isn’t working for you."
"Wrap it up and move on with your life."
"Hoping the best for you!"- SLTW3080
"Just dump him."
"He's clutching onto a barely 20-year-old because he knows he can guilt you into staying."
"If you don't live with him just text him that you are done."
"No arguments, no 'talking it out', just I'm done."
"You've tried to discuss it with him and he's ignored you and frankly even doubled down."
"It's nasty and if he is that unclean, you're likely to get a yeast infection if he guilts you into intimacy."- knight_shade_realms
"F*cking guy is disgusting."
"I'm 61 years old, and I've had a hard and fast rule since I was 17...don't go near a girl unless I've had a shower in the last several hours."- GilBang
"Pull your head out of your @ss and GTFO!"- GilBang
"It's not going to get better, just leave."- just_call_me_kitten
"We need to know. How bad is it, and what’s the worst part?"
'But there is absolutely no reason to be 21 and attempting to gentle parent a man who is 7 years older than you."
"End it for real, take an everything shower, and go find a man who smells good."
"Don’t you think you deserve that?"- Pleasant_Fennel_5573
"Yeah so on date one did he smell?"
"Come one this is just crazy."- Ptb1852
"You don't try to break up."
"You do it."
"You don't need permission."
"Also, this is likely why he's almost 30 and dating girls this young."- melophile2702
"Men aren’t lonely enough."
"How is he employed if he rarely bathes & rewears dirty clothes?"
"That’s foul."- Leash888
'There’s a reason he chose a woman 7 years younger than him."
"Absolutely NTA."
"Don’t let him manipulate you into believing you’re the bad guy because HE won’t take a bath."
"Leave."
"Don’t waste your 20s being a grown man’s mommy."
"I spent years of mine with one, and I can never get that time back."- chimkennuggg
"NTA."
"Basic hygiene is the bare minimum."
"Fresh underwear and socks DAILY. Clean clothing without stains or rips."
"Teeth brushed DAILY."
"Deodorant DAILY."
"He can use dry shampoo, but should be washing his hair at least weekly, I would think."
"At the very least, I hope you’re not having sex with him as you’re likely to get UTIs or BV from being exposed to his funk."
"This isn’t something I’d give 'chances' on."
"Break up and let him learn how to be an adult (or a middle schooler, I guess, since that’s when most typically learn about personal hygiene)."
"I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to be seen in public with a filthy, stinking person and call them your boyfriend?!?"
"Deal breaker."- BluStone43
When there is a problem in one's relationship that displays no chance of changing, that's usually a sign that it's time to end it.
Considering the OP twice told her BF that his lack of hygiene was making it difficult to impossible to be around, one could have only imagined he would take the hint.
Seeing that he hasn't, it looks like the OP should take the hint and go with her gut...
