An integral part of growing up is learning.
Not only our ABCs and 123s, but also the fundamentals of being an adult, including appropriate behavior and what is right and what is wrong.
Of course, the only way children learn these things is through experience, which more often than not may result in getting punished.
For a time, it's easy to say "kids will be kids" or "they don't know any better", but that can only be enabled for a certain amount of time.
The teenage sister of Redditor SunWise830 was constantly tempted by certain possessions of his girlfriend.
Possessions that the original poster (OP) strictly forbade her access to.
Unfortunately, not only did the OP's sister take hold of these without permission, but damaged them in the process.
Feeling that his sister needed to face consequences for her actions, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my sister she can't play with my girlfriends wigs?"
The OP explained why they felt his sister needed to pay up:
"Okay so, context."
"I, (26 M[ale]) have been with my girlfriend, who I'll call Maddy (also 26 F[emale]) for five years now."
"I also have a sister who's still in high school (16)."
"Whilst we have a huge age gap I love my sister."
'I'm afraid I spoiled her a bit growing up but yeah i'm her big bro, that's pretty normal."
"Anyway, Maddy found out in 2023 that she has alopecia universalis."
'Her hair started falling out pretty dramatically since she had long hair, and she was really embarrassed."
"I know some a**holes care about the vain stuff like that but I don't, I'm not a saint just a normal guy, but I saw it embarrassed her so in the autumn we both buzzed our hair together."
"Pretty soon after she started buying some normal and real hair wigs to test them out, and loved them."
"They are not cheap by any means but she feels confident with them so it doesn't matter to me."
"Maddy has met my sister, who I'll call Helena, a lot."
"She always wants Maddy to either take it off and show her head or give it to her."
"She even tugged at it once (it's glued on so didn't budge) and was mad it didn't come off."
"I got mad but Maddy laughed it off, not wanting to cause a scene."
"We saved up and went away to this nice hotel on a Greek island, and got my sister to 'flat-sit' when we were on holiday for some extra cash."
"Half-way through the trip I got tiktoks of my sisters and her friends in OUR ROOM wearing some of her wigs and lip-syncing some audio off of dance moms."
"I was pissed, admittedly first because they were in our locked room, but then because of the wigs."
"I saw they cut one of the very expensive blonde wigs into a short pixie."
"I showed Maddy, she seemed shocked but brushed it off, saying it was fine and she'll get more."
"I texted her to stop, and if I catch her doing it again she'll pay for a new one."
"She 'apologized', said they were just having fun but they'll stop."
"Nothing else happened so we forgot about it until we got back."
"We reached our room, she opened the cupboard to where she keeps her wigs and they were haphazardly shoved in, cut, and some of them dyed."
"I was shocked."
"One of her wigs had been badly bleached, then dyed pink and was practically hay."
"I was beyond pissed off."
"I was beyond furious."
"I immediately call her, and she doesn't answer, so I call our mom."
"I tell her what Helena did, chewing her out."
"Telling her she was disrespectful to Maddy and she needs to learn how to respect other people."
"Mom was shocked because she knows how expensive they are, but also said she's just a kid and doesn't know better."
"Then offered to pay."
"I said I would only be satisfied if Helena payed Maddy back."
"She told me I was being dramatic and told me to 'cool down'."
"Maddy heard this and told me not to worry."
"It's just material and she was upset but knows my sister didn't mean it."
"I swear she's an angel."
"That's the thing tho, she's really smart, I wouldn't expect her to be so stupid, I wouldn't be surprised if she did this on purpose."
"Am I the a**hole for wanting her to pay my girlfriend back?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP was not the a**Hole for demanding Helena pay Maddy for the wigs she damaged.
Everyone agreed that even if Helena was only a teenager and "didn't know any better", she was old enough to learn that actions have consequences:
"NTA, why is your mom acting like your sister is 7 rather than 16 years old?"
"A kid?"
"She's a TEENAGER in high school."
"She knows better than to break into her brother and girlfriend's room and do that, especially when she's aware that they are wigs your girlfriend needs and are expensive."
"It's nice that your girlfriend was so nice about it, but that sucks and your anger is valid."-mearbearcate
"NTA."
"Sounds like there is a lot of jealousy on Helena's part."
"Maddy has stolen her big brother, AND she gets a cool new hairstyle and color every time she changes wigs!"
"The incident where Helena tried to pull the wig off Maddy's head was very telling."
"I don't believe for a moment that Helena didn't know some of those wigs were human hair, or how much they cost."
"The texture between real hair and acrylic is noticeable."
"OP didn't say which of the wigs were ruined, but at least one of them, the one that felt/looked like straw after they finished 'playing' with it, almost certainly was."
"What the hell is Mom going on about, that she 'didn't know any better'?"
"These girls were 16, not 6."
"It's not like she cut a doll's hair because the older girls told her it would grow back."
"They definitely did know better."
"Every one of them should pitch in to repay Maddy for the ruined wigs."
"If Helena were my daughter, she wouldn't have time to get into that kind of vandalism again, because she'd be working after school and on weekends until the value of the ruined wigs was repaid!"- TheFilthyDIL
"NTA."
"She's 16, not 6."
"This was a deliberate act, she sabotaged your gf."
"This wasn't an accident."- Aussiealterego
"NTA."
"I've heard about those human hair wigs and how they can be up to thousands of dollars."
"I think your sister should absolutely pay your girlfriend back."
"It is similar to the saying in stores, 'you break it you buy it' I think your sister needs to pay for her damages."
"Also your mom should give your sister consequences and not just brush it off, try talking to your mom."
"Your sister won't listen to you because you're more of a 'friend' to her."
"Mom or another authority figure needs to step in."- OkBarracuda3075
"Your sister is 16, very much old enough to know what she was doing."
"Cut her off completely until she has repaid the damage."
"No birthday presents, no Christmas, no treats, no brotherly affection."
"Her behaviour indicates something far worse than a little spoiling."
"She broke into a locked room."
"She damaged property."
"She betrayed trust."
"This was no little thing."
"And she's shown no remorse."
"NTA."
"You and Maddy seem to be well suited, though."- IllustriousBowler259
"NTA."
"Helena had been told multiple times that these wigs were expensive and not for her to play with."
"If she does not suffer real consequences for her continued, severe bad behavior, she will not learn better."
"It is so much better that she learn that she can't abuse and destroy other people's property now with you guys, when it will just take hard work to pay you back and not result in criminal charges for destruction of property and a record that will follow her for life it could if she this to someone who isn't family in the future."- KaliTheBlaze
"NTA."
"16 is old enough to know that Maddy's wigs aren't toys, not to break into locked rooms & not to alter anyone else's stuff."
"Why is your Mum enabling her?"- Intelligent_Arm_9241
"NTA and wtf."
"My 10yo would know not to do that to a good wig."
"Or even a bad wig if it belonged to someone else."
"Unless your mom thinks your sister is developmentally delayed she abso f*cking lutely should know better."
"That said, you can't parent your sister, only your mom can."
"Accept your mom's money so that your GF can get her stuff replaced."
"You can exert your own consequences on your sister by never letting her back into your home."-CarbonationRequired
It would be one thing if Helena tried on the wigs and damaged them accidentally without ever being explicitly told not to touch them.
The fact that she was told many times they were off limits, and consciously cut and dyed them, when they weren't hers, simply demands consequences.
Either way, she owes Maddy in more ways than one.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp