Some couples do a wonderful job of creating an equal lived experience in their home, from shared expenses to equally shared responsibilities and mental loads.
But more often than not, there will be one person who has to complete an unfair share of the labor around the house, and when they get frustrated or overstimulated by it, their partner may start gaslighting them, telling them that they worry too much about what their friends and family will think.
Funnily enough, they stop thinking that the moment they have to pick up the chores, angrily pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor naptime16 worked from home, running an independent daycare center that was open for 12 hours per day, not including cleaning, cooking, and other preparatory periods for hosting their clients' children. They were, however, still expected to keep the domestic part of their home clean, and they were told by their husband that they were overreacting when stressed about hosting guests.
When their husband wanted to have friends over, the Original Poster (OP) decided to make a point by refusing to clean and then telling him that he was overreacting to how his guests would view their unprepared home.
They asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for refusing to help my husband clean for his guests?"
The OP was exhausted from a full-time job as an independent daycare provider.
"I run a home-based daycare for 12 hours a day. This requires a lot of cleaning all day long to keep the 'daycare' part of the house clean, along with cooking and playing with children."
"So by the end of the day, I am exhausted and have very little energy to clean upstairs, which is the private part of the house that only my family and our guests use."
The OP was stressed out when they had to host guests, which meant more work and cleaning.
"Because of that, I don't particularly enjoy having guests over because I have to rush to get everything clean upstairs, too."
"Whenever a friend or family member of mine is visiting, my husband dramatically complains that I'm 'doing too much' and that I shouldn't be rushing to clean because, 'They're just your friends; they don't care how it looks.'"
"He'll also refuse to help because, 'You're just stressing yourself out for no reason.'"
The OP's husband refused to listen to the OP's concerns the next time he wanted to have friends over.
"Well, my husband announced on Friday that he was having friends over Saturday morning."
"I said that I had a really stressful week, so I wasn't feeling up to guests."
"He insisted that they were HIS guests and not MY problem, so he was going to have them over."
When their husband tried to make them clean, the OP decided to make a point and refused.
"But suddenly, the private space ISN'T clean enough, and he started trying to assign me and our kids spaces to clean while he was 'waiting to switch the laundry' (i.e., playing video games until the laundry was done)."
"I refused."
"I told him, 'Oh, don't worry, your friends won't judge!' Then I took the kids and myself out for a movie."
"He said I was being petty and that I should have at least made the kids help him like they help me."
"My mother says I should have helped, and I probably embarrassed him, because he was not able to get things cleaned enough on his own."
"I think he's a grown-a** man and he should figure it out or at least, I don't know, share the load with me."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some applauded the OP for standing up for themselves and making a point with their husband.
"NTA. Perfect response. Good job." - Ok-Commission-6433
"OP is Queen of the Petty’s today. We stand in admiration. All hail!" - Shutupandplayball
"I hope she can hear me clapping from across the Atlantic. NTA." - bkpetrova
"He invites guests to a family space without asking you. He refuses to acknowledge your pretty reasonable refusal to accept guests. He tells you it's 'not your problem.' He proceeds to be a problem himself."
"NTA. If anything, it's a free life lesson for him. He should've paid you for that." - nordicskye
"The biggest problem in this whole post is that he doesn't help. That said, this post is painfully obvious NTA." - aeroeagleAC
"NTA. Funny how it was okay for you to stress-clean when it was his friends. But you're overreacting and too much and gaslight-able when it's your friends and family."
"Hopefully this was a lesson learned for him. If he wants to have a clean house for HIS guests, so he better turn off the game console."
"Glad you stuck up for yourself and your children." - CurlyGurl_Bee409
"It's also been shown that people judge women much more harshly for a messy house than they do men. Her stress cleaning was not unfounded, and he's an a**." - ace-mathematician
"NTA. And you did help; you got everyone else out of the house so they can't mess anything up."
"He was just too busy waiting on the laundry to notice." - OhNoNotAgain1532
"The OP's mom is treating it like a playdate for a well-intentioned toddler that needs help, not like a grown adult that should be able to host his own guests."
"Which is gross in and of itself (the idea of it being a playdate); we need to teach everyone to stop handling these men with kid gloves and let them fail."
"I say this as a man. Nobody can grow without failing, and treating these 'inept' men like some sort of benevolent puppy who can do no wrong is ridiculously demeaning to everyone involved."
"Having a wife rush in and fix everything is the exact same as helicopter parenting."
"When I undercooked steak (just for my dad and I) in my twenties, you know what I did? I put it back on and tried again. Nobody rushed in to save the day. I just went, 'Welp!' and cooked it longer. Now I know how long I like my steak done." - TwoFingersWhiskey
"NTA. You have a lazy, piece of s**t husband, and laundry isn't even something that needs to be done for guests to come over."
"He could have done that later and helped tidy up the common areas."
"Now, I don't run a daycare out of my house, but I can vacuum, mop, clean the two bathrooms, do dishes, and dust in two hours, easy."
"All he had to do was get up at 6:00 AM or stay up late and clean. He just wanted you to do it because he was probably a big momma's boy that had everything done for him all the time." - Phenix_Fresh
Others mocked the husband for "waiting to switch the laundry."
"'Waiting to switch the laundry' is a new chore I haven’t heard of! What a clever husband to be able to multitask while doing such an important job. NTA." - storminateacup_
"My husband was telling me he saw a joke about women doing their stereotypical household chores the way men grill. Like, four women standing around watching the washing machine and asking their husbands to get them a beer."
"He, not I, added that all that would have made it more perfect is that the husbands would also have to do all of the folding, sorting, and putting after. The wives did the 'hard part,' after all!" - catfriend18
"Next task: 'Waiting for the dirty dishes to soak.'"
"My son figured this one out. The number of items that 'need' to soak is impressive. And of course, no tasks can be completed while waiting for them to soak!" - oneofmanyjenns
"I also love how clean laundry is clearly essential for having guests over. Whenever I'm over someone's house, I'm like, 'When do we get a closet tour?'"
"Seriously, no guest has ever said, 'Oh, I love how caught up your laundry is!' The dude is so useless!!" - Mmm_lemon_cakes
"If it’s anything like guys I know, that stuff in the washer would turn sour overnight because he’d 'forget' to move it to the dryer or hang the clothes that air dry."
"I’m proud of OP for standing her ground. Twelve hours of childcare and running a business that is regulated by the state is exhausting!"
"Why is traditionally 'women’s work' never appreciated nor usually honored and respected by men? Even if she was earning money outside the home, I’ll bet he’d barely help with household tasks and preparing for guests." - VariationOwn2131
The subReddit was furious on the OP's behalf and glad that they stood up for themselves and made this point.
The OP's husband was setting a double standard in his home for the OP's guests and for his guests, and if he was going to ridicule them for stressing about preparing for guests after working long hours, he needed to have the same standards for his friends as his in-laws.
