It's always nice to want to help out a loved one in need.
But sometimes too much help is called for.
Another person's issues can often wreak havoc on those around them.
Even giving assistance has to have boundaries.
Redditor Relevant-Writing-417 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for refusing to let my fiancé's best friend move in with us?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My husband's best friend just broke up with his long-term G[irl]F[riend] and needs a place to stay."
"My sweet husband immediately offered our place, without asking me first."
"He said Chris could crash in our guest room, just for a few months until he gets back on his feet."
"I was quite taken aback, I mean, the dude is just having an emotional breakdown, why house him for a few months?"
"I like Chris fine, but he's uhhh… messy."
"He leaves dishes everywhere, never cleans up, and when we've hung out in the past, he's always borrowing stuff without asking, like the dude just takes things like he owns them."
"I know if he moves in, I'll end up being the one dealing with the mess because my husband is more laid back."
"I told hubby that I wasn't comfortable turning our new home into a bachelor pad right after moving in together."
"Yes! We just built it, and we're newlyweds."
"Back to the story, I said Chris can stay for a couple of weekends if he really needs to, but not months."
"My husband got frustrated and said I was being 'selfish' and that if it were him, he'd never leave any of my friends hanging."
"Now it's turned into a bigger fight."
"Some of my friends agreed with me and understood that we're just starting our lives together and we need space to bond without interference."
"But some of his friends (and even my brother) said I should be more understanding because in life we have to render help to those in need."
"I mean, I get where they're coming from, but how does a relationship breakup break down a man?"
"My hubby is still angry with me, but be my judge: am I actually being unfair?"
"Would most people let their partner's best friend stay for a few months, or am I right to protect our space?"
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. You have a bigger problem than the mooch who is going to be on your couch, though - and that's that your new husband thinks he can invite people to live with you without even discussing it with you."
"Whatever you end up doing with Chris, you've got to fix that issue."
"It sounds like your husband views his friends' needs as being more important than his partner's (that being you...)." ~ GloryIV
"Yes - they need a come to Jesus 'We need to agree to never, ever invite ANYONE to stay unless we both agree to the visit' and honestly if he can't promise that or doesn't understand why then I think it's time to kick off marriage counseling so they can get on the same page before he decides he's in charge of the rules of the relationship." ~ Music_withRocks_In
"Especially since he's doubled down by getting mad and calling her selfish."
"He clearly doesn't care how she feels about this."
"I would have been unhappy about it initially, but what would have made me ask hard questions about the future of the relationship is the disregard for her needs." ~ GloryIV
"Agreed, this calls into question for me what he means when he made vows to his wife."
"Are they 'I vow to honor and respect until she disagrees, then I pout and get my friends to gang up on her' kind of vows?"
"Also, if OP is the one worried about the care of the home and Chris carelessly borrowing, how is the division of labor and care of the home going in this abode of newly minted marital bliss?" ~ Crackinggood
"An excellent point."
"OP doesn't really dwell on it, but it's pretty clear the dude is going to be messy and intrusive *and* that hubby doesn't care and won't do anything about it."
"It is unclear whether hubby is just a doormat for his friends or if he is so disrespectful of his wife that he doesn't care if his guest trashes their house and she gets stuck dealing with it."
"Both, most likely."
"The more I think about OP's predicament, the more it pisses me off." ~ GloryIV
"Amen!!! This is a HUSBAND problem, OP."
"And ask him how making a unilateral decision about something that you own 50/50 (you are married) isn't selfish????"
"He's the one showing his true colors and acting with self-interest above all else."
"He agreed to housing someone for months (who's taking care of extra utilities, food costs, clean up, etc.?)"
"He is the one who didn't take your thoughts or feelings into account, he's the one prioritizing his friend's feelings over those of his wife, he's the one refusing to take back the offer because he doesn't like your answer."
"How is your 'no' any more selfish than his plethora of yeses?" ~ RogueSlytherin
"Also, OP, you're newly wed so that can be annulled."
"Not sure whose name is on the home's deed, but that can be figured out too."
"You should not stay with someone who doesn't respect you or have your back or put your marriage first."
"Chris sounds too immature to be a husband." ~ friendlily
"NTA. A couple of weeks would be the max for me to allow anyone to stay at my place."
"If said individual was as messy and as presumptuous as Chris seems to be, I'd probably limit them to one week, and then it would be on condition that my partner cleaned up after his messy friend."
"As the old saying goes: Guests and fish start to stink after three days." ~ Individual_Ad_9213
"Absolutely NTA."
"Not the same, but my dad and I own a split-level house; we each have a level."
"My cousin (M[ale], 30s, 2 kids) split from his wife and was hinting at staying with us."
"I shut that down."
"I love my cousin, but I also know him well."
"Food and drink would have vanished, and I wasn't having him use our house as his personal brothel."
"My dad has a soft spot for my cousin, but I still said no."
"About a week and a half later, we got a call from my Aunt complaining about my cousin eating all her food, finishing off what little alcohol she had, and had spotted 2 women leaving on the doorbell camera (he'd snuck them in the back door, and forgot to tell them to leave that way!)."
"She'd specifically said no women over."
"He was back with his wife soon after."
"OP, why had the friend broken up with his partner?" ~ Odd_Significance7396
"NTA. This scenario is featured almost every week, and it has not once turned out well."
"The guy loses his job, gets depressed, stays messy, argues with his wife, hubby defends a friend vs wife, fractures marriage."
"I wouldn't be heartbroken." ~ ldp409
"NTA. Having guests stay in your home is a 'Two Yes, one No' decision."
"Either you both agree, or it's not happening."
"And making the offer before checking with you is a no-go."
"Why are your friends and family members involved in this conversation?"
"Seriously, why are so many posts on here involving other people that have no involvement with the issue?"
"Tell them to mind their f**king business and tell your husband to stop making your private relationship issues a public affair. NTA." ~ EclecticEvergreen
"NTA. No one stays in our home that long, period."
"Not my son, although he and his wife are always welcome, not my brother, because he's not a bum."
"And especially not my husband's or my friends."
"If he wants to live with his buddy, let him."
"Don't know how long you've been married, but this would be a dealbreaker for me, even after 45 years." ~ Shadow4summer
"Where are Chris's parents? Siblings? Single male friends?"
"I wouldn't be having any sex with my spouse until he was gone."
"Also, no cleaning up after the guest."
"Your husband does it."
"Ditto no cooking for him."
"Does this guy have any money?"
"Why can't he find an apartment?"
"What's going to take months?"
"You have a husband problem."
"Look back to see if you missed signs of his disrespectful behavior."
"NTA, but you will be if you cook, clean, and make the guest's life easy."
"Ditto for sex."
"That shop is closed until you have privacy." ~ LCJ75
"NTA. This is a husband problem."
"Offering to move someone in without discussing it with his wife is a huge red flag."
"Offer to make a friend couch surfing schedule with all the people who agree with your husband."
"That way, Chris is everyone's 'problem.'"
"But how a grown man wants to leech off other people boggles my mind." ~ PsychologicalYak6269
"NTA. DO NOT allow him to get tenants' rights."
"Chris is a grown man who can figure out his living arrangements."
"Your bigger issue is your husband."
"It's not ok for him not to discuss this with you."
"You need to have a talk about this." ~ ApprehensiveBook4214
"NTA. There is no abuse."
"Your husband can provide emotional support without turning gourmet honey into a dump."
"Your husband needs to realize that slobs are never welcome as his guests."
"I guess we know why hubby's friend is newly single."
"You both need to stop bringing others into your disagreements." ~ General-Toe-8686
Reddit is siding with you, OP.
Your husband's heart is in the right place, but he's got some learning to do when it comes to partnership.
You're a team now; decisions like these are made together.
It's a tough situation for Chris, but he'll figure it out.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp