It’s always nice to want to help out a loved one in need.
But sometimes too much help is called for.
Another person’s issues can often wreak havoc on those around them.
Even giving assistance has to have boundaries.
Redditor Relevant-Writing-417 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA for refusing to let my fiancé’s best friend move in with us?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My husband’s best friend just broke up with his long-term G[irl]F[riend] and needs a place to stay.”
“My sweet husband immediately offered our place, without asking me first.”
“He said Chris could crash in our guest room, just for a few months until he gets back on his feet.”
“I was quite taken aback, I mean, the dude is just having an emotional breakdown, why house him for a few months?”
“I like Chris fine, but he’s uhhh… messy.”
“He leaves dishes everywhere, never cleans up, and when we’ve hung out in the past, he’s always borrowing stuff without asking, like the dude just takes things like he owns them.”
“I know if he moves in, I’ll end up being the one dealing with the mess because my husband is more laid back.”
“I told hubby that I wasn’t comfortable turning our new home into a bachelor pad right after moving in together.”
“Yes! We just built it, and we’re newlyweds.”
“Back to the story, I said Chris can stay for a couple of weekends if he really needs to, but not months.”
“My husband got frustrated and said I was being ‘selfish’ and that if it were him, he’d never leave any of my friends hanging.”
“Now it’s turned into a bigger fight.”
“Some of my friends agreed with me and understood that we’re just starting our lives together and we need space to bond without interference.”
“But some of his friends (and even my brother) said I should be more understanding because in life we have to render help to those in need.”
“I mean, I get where they’re coming from, but how does a relationship breakup break down a man?”
“My hubby is still angry with me, but be my judge: am I actually being unfair?”
“Would most people let their partner’s best friend stay for a few months, or am I right to protect our space?”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. You have a bigger problem than the mooch who is going to be on your couch, though – and that’s that your new husband thinks he can invite people to live with you without even discussing it with you.”
“Whatever you end up doing with Chris, you’ve got to fix that issue.”
“It sounds like your husband views his friends’ needs as being more important than his partner’s (that being you…).” ~ GloryIV
“Yes – they need a come to Jesus ‘We need to agree to never, ever invite ANYONE to stay unless we both agree to the visit’ and honestly if he can’t promise that or doesn’t understand why then I think it’s time to kick off marriage counseling so they can get on the same page before he decides he’s in charge of the rules of the relationship.” ~ Music_withRocks_In
“Especially since he’s doubled down by getting mad and calling her selfish.”
“He clearly doesn’t care how she feels about this.”
“I would have been unhappy about it initially, but what would have made me ask hard questions about the future of the relationship is the disregard for her needs.” ~ GloryIV
“Agreed, this calls into question for me what he means when he made vows to his wife.”
“Are they ‘I vow to honor and respect until she disagrees, then I pout and get my friends to gang up on her’ kind of vows?”
“Also, if OP is the one worried about the care of the home and Chris carelessly borrowing, how is the division of labor and care of the home going in this abode of newly minted marital bliss?” ~ Crackinggood
“An excellent point.”
“OP doesn’t really dwell on it, but it’s pretty clear the dude is going to be messy and intrusive *and* that hubby doesn’t care and won’t do anything about it.”
“It is unclear whether hubby is just a doormat for his friends or if he is so disrespectful of his wife that he doesn’t care if his guest trashes their house and she gets stuck dealing with it.”
“Both, most likely.”
“The more I think about OP’s predicament, the more it pisses me off.” ~ GloryIV
“Amen!!! This is a HUSBAND problem, OP.”
“And ask him how making a unilateral decision about something that you own 50/50 (you are married) isn’t selfish????”
“He’s the one showing his true colors and acting with self-interest above all else.”
“He agreed to housing someone for months (who’s taking care of extra utilities, food costs, clean up, etc.?)”
“He is the one who didn’t take your thoughts or feelings into account, he’s the one prioritizing his friend’s feelings over those of his wife, he’s the one refusing to take back the offer because he doesn’t like your answer.”
“How is your ‘no’ any more selfish than his plethora of yeses?” ~ RogueSlytherin
“Also, OP, you’re newly wed so that can be annulled.”
“Not sure whose name is on the home’s deed, but that can be figured out too.”
“You should not stay with someone who doesn’t respect you or have your back or put your marriage first.”
“Chris sounds too immature to be a husband.” ~ friendlily
“NTA. A couple of weeks would be the max for me to allow anyone to stay at my place.”
“If said individual was as messy and as presumptuous as Chris seems to be, I’d probably limit them to one week, and then it would be on condition that my partner cleaned up after his messy friend.”
“As the old saying goes: Guests and fish start to stink after three days.” ~ Individual_Ad_9213
“Absolutely NTA.”
“Not the same, but my dad and I own a split-level house; we each have a level.”
“My cousin (M[ale], 30s, 2 kids) split from his wife and was hinting at staying with us.”
“I shut that down.”
“I love my cousin, but I also know him well.”
“Food and drink would have vanished, and I wasn’t having him use our house as his personal brothel.”
“My dad has a soft spot for my cousin, but I still said no.”
“About a week and a half later, we got a call from my Aunt complaining about my cousin eating all her food, finishing off what little alcohol she had, and had spotted 2 women leaving on the doorbell camera (he’d snuck them in the back door, and forgot to tell them to leave that way!).”
“She’d specifically said no women over.”
“He was back with his wife soon after.”
“OP, why had the friend broken up with his partner?” ~ Odd_Significance7396
“NTA. This scenario is featured almost every week, and it has not once turned out well.”
“The guy loses his job, gets depressed, stays messy, argues with his wife, hubby defends a friend vs wife, fractures marriage.”
“I wouldn’t be heartbroken.” ~ ldp409
“NTA. Having guests stay in your home is a ‘Two Yes, one No’ decision.”
“Either you both agree, or it’s not happening.”
“And making the offer before checking with you is a no-go.”
“Why are your friends and family members involved in this conversation?”
“Seriously, why are so many posts on here involving other people that have no involvement with the issue?”
“Tell them to mind their f**king business and tell your husband to stop making your private relationship issues a public affair. NTA.” ~ EclecticEvergreen
“NTA. No one stays in our home that long, period.”
“Not my son, although he and his wife are always welcome, not my brother, because he’s not a bum.”
“And especially not my husband’s or my friends.”
“If he wants to live with his buddy, let him.”
“Don’t know how long you’ve been married, but this would be a dealbreaker for me, even after 45 years.” ~ Shadow4summer
“Where are Chris’s parents? Siblings? Single male friends?”
“I wouldn’t be having any sex with my spouse until he was gone.”
“Also, no cleaning up after the guest.”
“Your husband does it.”
“Ditto no cooking for him.”
“Does this guy have any money?”
“Why can’t he find an apartment?”
“What’s going to take months?”
“You have a husband problem.”
“Look back to see if you missed signs of his disrespectful behavior.”
“NTA, but you will be if you cook, clean, and make the guest’s life easy.”
“Ditto for sex.”
“That shop is closed until you have privacy.” ~ LCJ75
“NTA. This is a husband problem.”
“Offering to move someone in without discussing it with his wife is a huge red flag.”
“Offer to make a friend couch surfing schedule with all the people who agree with your husband.”
“That way, Chris is everyone’s ‘problem.'”
“But how a grown man wants to leech off other people boggles my mind.” ~ PsychologicalYak6269
“NTA. DO NOT allow him to get tenants’ rights.”
“Chris is a grown man who can figure out his living arrangements.”
“Your bigger issue is your husband.”
“It’s not ok for him not to discuss this with you.”
“You need to have a talk about this.” ~ ApprehensiveBook4214
“NTA. There is no abuse.”
“Your husband can provide emotional support without turning gourmet honey into a dump.”
“Your husband needs to realize that slobs are never welcome as his guests.”
“I guess we know why hubby’s friend is newly single.”
“You both need to stop bringing others into your disagreements.” ~ General-Toe-8686
Reddit is siding with you, OP.
Your husband’s heart is in the right place, but he’s got some learning to do when it comes to partnership.
You’re a team now; decisions like these are made together.
It’s a tough situation for Chris, but he’ll figure it out.
Good Luck.