Graduation Day is a big day in many people's lives.
It's a rite of passage after all.
And it's meant to be a celebratory event.
However, not all family members make it a joyous occasion.
Sadly, that's the case for too many grads.
Redditor TypicalAnalyst17 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my dad he can't invite his G[irl]F[riend] to my graduation because my mom paid for the trip?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (22 F[emale]) am graduating from college in two weeks."
"My parents divorced when I was 11."
"They are civil now, but they are not friends."
"I love my dad, but he has always been the parent who shows up if it is easy."
"My mom was the one who showed up when it was not."
"She worked extra shifts, drove me everywhere, helped with forms, cried with me when I almost dropped out, and somehow still made me feel like I was not a burden."
"My graduation is seven hours from home, and I only got four guest tickets."
"I invited my mom, my dad, my younger brother, and my grandma."
"My grandma helped raise me when my mom was struggling, so having her there matters a lot."
"My mom booked an Airbnb months ago for herself, my brother, my grandma, and me."
"She also paid for the rental car and gas because my brother and grandma could not afford the trip."
"My dad said he would drive himself and get a cheap motel."
"Then last month, he said money was tight, and he might not come."
"I tried to act like I understood, but I was hurt."
"My mom quietly offered to pay for one hotel night so he could still be there."
"She said, 'You deserve both parents there,' even though I know it cost her more than just money."
"Last week, my dad called, sounding excited, and said his girlfriend Kara got the weekend off and was coming too."
"They have been dating for eight months."
"I have met her twice."
"She is not evil or anything, but she is not close to me."
"At my brother's birthday dinner, she kept calling herself 'the bonus mom now,', and my brother looked like he wanted to disappear."
"I asked my dad what he meant by Kara was coming."
"He said she wanted to 'support me' and was 'basically family.'"
" I told him I did not have a ticket for her."
"He said she could still come to dinner, take pictures, and hang out at the Airbnb."
"I said no, because the Airbnb was paid for by my mom, for the people I invited."
"He said Kara would not mind sleeping on the couch."
"That honestly made me snap a little."
"I told him the couch was not the point."
"The point was that my mom paid so he could come watch his daughter graduate, not so he could turn it into a couple's weekend."
"He got upset and said my mom always gets to be the 'main parent,' and he just wanted someone there so he would not feel awkward."
"I told him this weekend was not about making him comfortable."
"It was about me graduating, and I wanted one weekend where my mom was not expected to swallow her feelings and fix everyone else's."
"He said if Kara was not welcome, maybe he should just stay home."
"I said that was his choice, but I was not giving up my brother's or grandma's spot, and I was not asking Mom to host his girlfriend."
"Now my aunt says I humiliated him and made Kara feel unwanted."
"My dad texted, 'I hope making your point was worth it.'"
"My mom says she supports me, but I can tell she feels guilty."
"I do want my dad there."
"I just hate that even my graduation has somehow turned into everyone worrying about his feelings."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA, reply back, 'I hope prioritizing your new girlfriend is worth missing your kid's graduation.'"
"LOL at your mom 'gets' to be the main parent."
"The reality is she HAD to be the main parent because he couldn't pull his own weight." ~ Jerseygirl2468
"Exactly. Your mom always has an option to quit, and she chose to be there for you."
"She took her role and commitment as a parent seriously."
"Props to her."
"Which is a huge contrast to your father."
"He really shouldn't have pulled an ultimatum in trying to get his girlfriend to come."
"It's a very manipulative behavior."
"NTA for standing up for yourself and for what's right." ~ IceSeeker
"NTA. Turn what he said back to him - 'You've made your point, Dad, your girlfriend getting a free trip is more important than you attending my life. I hope you're happy with YOUR decision.'" ~ Mental-Hunter2106
"My dad divorced my mom (both 23 at the time) when I was 6 days old to date his 'girlfriend'- the 16-year-old (disgusting, I know, but that's my dad for you) who was reportedly his commanding officer's daughter (he was in the army)."
"Plus, however many other side chicks/one-night stands he had along with her."
"He's only met me for a few hours about a week before my 1st birthday, and even then, he didn't interact with me at all- he just sat on the couch watching me play on the floor."
"And when he wanted to hold me before my mom, and I left, I instantly started to cry."
"Let him make his choices."
"He will probably regret it later." ~ ZambeeMC
"NTA, if your dad can’t drag himself away from his NEW girlfriend for one weekend and swallow his pride to see his daughter graduate college, that is his decision, it’s not on you."
"Tell your aunt to fund daddy and girlfriend's trip if it’s so important to her." ~ sherrib99
"NTA. Your mom offered him a night in a hotel."
"Not a double occupancy."
"Not the Airbnb."
"Not a 'plus 1' for your graduation."
"After freeloading off of your mom, he decided to make a date night out of it."
"Do you even want him there now?"
"Now that he's turned the generosity of others into imposing his gf on your graduation event?"
"All this stress and conflict originates with him."
"He's turned his subsidized attendance at your graduation into a covert contract."
"'If you want me there, you have to include my uninvited GF.'"
"He's already coerced your mom into paying for his accommodation to attend."
"Having gotten that, he's demanding more."
"More imposition and discomfort for your immediate family as a condition for his attendance."
"I'd ask Mom to cancel his hotel room."
"Let him make his own plans with his own resources."
"Let him show, through his actions, where his priorities lie." ~ curious382
"NTA, OP 100%."
"You're right to feel that way, and it's also rude of him to expect his girlfriend to be allowed to stay in the Airbnb that your Mom is paying for."
"Your dad is 100% the TA here." ~ Woodpog
"NTA. Your dad sucks."
"It’s one day, one weekend, that should only be about celebrating you, and he can’t possibly do that without his emotional support GF?!"
"He’s self-centered and a baby, and I would uninvite him from your life." ~ BoudiccasJustice
"Tell him yes, it was."
"You are not a child, and if you are the adult in the equation, he can come back when he grows up."
"Your mom is a saint, but she needs some therapy, too."
"She should not feel bad at all."
"She can and should feel empathetic, but she does not need to feel bad."
"You are lucky to have your brother, mom, and grandma."
"Hug 'em tight."
"Dad may or may not ever grow up." ~ dont_know_throwaway
"NTA- kid, you’re a fkn saint, looking after your mom and family like that. Your father clearly can’t be bothered to think of someone other than himself. Congratulations and enjoy graduation.
"All the people that really matter will be there." ~ yeeticusprime1
"NTA, it’s evident your Dad cares more about himself than anyone else, despite using others to get what he wants, even when something is not about him."
"Ugh, enjoy celebrating your graduation."
"With the people who helped get you to this point, not despite it." ~ Which_Translator_548
"NTA. Your dad certainly is acting like a spoiled, entitled one."
"Honestly, it sucks, but you shouldn't waste the time trying to argue with him."
"You and your mom should go enjoy and celebrate your graduation." ~ WholeAd2742
"NTA, at all. And I’m a divorced dad with a daughter your age."
"What’s probably happening is that Kara doesn’t dig the idea of your dad hanging out with his ex-wife and family without her 'supervision.'"
" Dad needs to grow a spine and recognize that he’s a father first… or just quietly bow out." ~ reallifeswanson
"Your dad is the AH. YNTA."
"Cancel the Airbnb that YOUR MOM PAID FOR YOUR DAD TO ATTEND."
"He clearly did not pick you."
"Give him his ticket to your best friend or someone else who cannot afford to go."
"Your mom will always feel guilty."
"It's pretty much how some mom in general feel about their children."
"Your mom’s amazing, you should celebrate her while she’s around." ~ Ok-Listen-8519
Reddit is with you, OP.
This is your day.
You did the hard work.
Let your dad figure this out for himself.
Congratulations!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp