If a person cannot love you in all of your parts and in all of your quirks, you probably shouldn't marry them.
You definitely shouldn't have children with them, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Important_Umpire1224 enjoyed having a variety of collections and was beyond thrilled when she was able to dedicate a room in her home to displaying her collections instead of storing them in boxes.
When her future mother-in-law criticized her collection and said she was too 'immature' to get married and have children of her own, the Original Poster (OP) was deeply hurt, but that was only made worse when her future husband sided with his mom.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for refusing to 'grow up' and clear out my collection after my fiancé’s parents called my room a 'red flag for future parenting'?"
The OP was a dedicated collector.
"I (24 Female) have spent years and thousands of dollars curating my 'dream room.'"
"It’s filled with my manga collection, plushies, and limited-edition figurines."
"It’s my sanctuary and where I do my creative work."
The OP's future mother-in-law was critical of the OP's collection.
"My fiancé (27 Male) and I are planning to move into a larger house next month."
"Last weekend, his parents came over to help us start packing. When his mother saw my room, she went silent."
"Later that night, she told my fiancé (within my earshot) that my 'obsession with toys' was a 'major red flag.' She said that she’s worried I’m too immature to handle 'real adult responsibilities' or to raise children one day."
What really hurt the OP was that her partner did not defend her passions.
"The big issue is that my fiancé didn't defend me."
"In fact, he sat me down later and said his parents 'have a point.'"
"He told me that for us to move forward, I need to sell 80% of my collection because 'an adult home shouldn't look like a toy store.'"
"I told him that if he’s marrying me, he’s marrying the person who loves this aesthetic, and I’m not gutting my personality to please his judgmental parents."
"He’s now saying I’m 'choosing plastic over our future' and that I'm being 'manic' about 'some toys.'"
"I’ve been crying for two days, and I’m considering calling off the move entirely."
"Am I overreacting, or is he trying to erase who I am before we even get married?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that this was a key part of her identity, and if her fiancé couldn't embrace that, they really shouldn't get married and have children.
"NOR. This is a core part of you, and I’d argue that being playful is a huge part of parenting (I’m a mom of two)."
"Also, the budgeting that you had to do to be able to pay your bills and build this room speaks to your 'adult' responsibility."
"Men think it’s fine to have collections of sports memorabilia and deer heads on the walls. But your own creative studio filled with things that make you happy is childish."
"It’s such a double standard. But I wouldn’t marry anyone who didn’t let me be me in the full capacity." - Stonedagemj
"The boyfriend just showed OP who HE is. And it isn't someone who really loves OP. On top of that, he just showed OP that MOM AND DAD come BEFORE OP. I wouldn't move forward with any aspect of this relationship." - Used_Clock_4627
"NOR. Your boyfriend is not defending you? Huge red flag. Personally, I would suggest that you have a serious talk with him. He either defends you, or he’s out the door."
"Does he collect Pokémon, or play online games with friends? Does he have a collection of Lego Star Wars things, anything like that? Does he spend lots of time and/or money on hunting, or some other activity? How about online gambling?"
"How are any of those things more acceptable than your plushies, limited edition figurines, and manga collection? If your things make you happy, and it’s important to you, let him know this. If he can’t accept it, then both of you should stop the relationship. Don’t let him take your fun away." - Specialist-Jello7544
"I gave up painting and art for 27 years because my husband did virtually nothing with childcare and household, while we both worked. He didn’t like me doing artwork, and had many excuses. I was a fool and gave up my love. You deserve your interests and hobbies."
"This may be a red flag if you are not supported on this. NOR." - Feeling-Fab-U-Lus
"My husband and I just bought a house, and he finally has his own office. He's 47 and has had a collection of Star Wars memorabilia and toys since he was a kid, that he never really had a place to display."
"I encouraged him to set them all up in his office and even picked out a new shelf for him to put them on. He's so happy to finally be able to show them off and see them every day."
"My thing is collecting nail polish, and he's helping me fix up the downstairs room so I can put my collection there along with my sewing and craft supplies."
"If you love someone, you love all of them, even the silly parts, and you encourage them to be themselves. Not hide the 'childish' parts." - ShotsAndCleavage
Others agreed and were concerned that this was an early sign of controlling behavior and the future husband stealing the OP's spark.
"She's been an adult for years. This is how men reduce your self-worth in relationships."
"OP, you're never going to be good enough for their son. His parents will always have a place in your relationship. He says you need to get rid of 80% of your stuff, but after that, he'll slowly make you get rid of all of it."
"Things will get damaged in the move because he doesn't care about them. He'll knock things over or spill drinks on them. Someone mentions they like something you have, and he'll insist you give it to them, hounding you until you do. Bit by bit, he will erase the things that reflect your personality."
"I've seen this play out with my aunt and uncle. She was a free-spirited creative type. He insisted she give away the heirloom items that had been left to her by her family because they 'didn't have room for it.' He would give away or throw away creative pieces she'd made."
"He took over her workshop with his own projects until she just stopped trying to use her workspace. She was so depressed that she started abusing pills. She's now had a stroke, and he immediately painted the interior of their house white while she was in the hospital. She had painstakingly restored their kitchen and painted murals throughout their house. He painted over all of it."
"Don't move in with this man. He'll coerce you into reducing yourself, making your existence smaller and smaller until everything you wear, say, and do is just a reflection of him and his wants."
"I went to visit her not too long ago, and she was sitting outside in a little patio area under the trees. She asked if I had any pictures of the house before, because she couldn't remember what it used to look like."
"When it was time to go, I said I'd bring her some plants we'd talked about. She just hugged me and said, 'Honey, I won't be here.' She's going to die soon, and she knows it. 30 years of him dimming her light and sucking the life from her. I'm so angry for her. Please don't let him and his family do that to you, too." - FormidableMistress
"He's not asking you to grow up. He's asking you to shrink so his parents feel comfortable. That's not a partnership; that's a preview. Keep the plushies, and lose the fiancé." - myss_kora
"More red flags here than a used car lot. At least your so-called fiancé and his parents are showing their true colours before you can't back out. Cancel the moving vans, ditch the asshole, and tell his parents to go suck a lemon. NOR." - TararaBoomDA
"Listen hard, OP. This happened to me. It took me 20 years to get out and just like OP, I started by telling myself that naybe 'he was right' and that I was overreacting. When I stood up for the parts of myself that I felt were essential to who I was, he degraded them to objects and told me that I was 'choosing' [object] over my future with him, just like her fiancé is humiliating her by saying she's choosing 'pieces of plastic' over their life together."
"He obviously knows that's not the choice on the table. The real choice is between holding on to her identity and letting him mold her into the person he wants her to be. What he's really telling her in this scenario is that he wants a wife, but not necessarily her as a wife. If he wanted her, he'd be celebrating that part of her, not culling it and disparaging it by reducing it to an obsession with plastic as though she were an infant."
"Here's just a snapshot out of 20 years of suffering and erasure. My late husband and I met in college. I loved wearing t-shirts with funny pictures on them and jeans. When we started dating, he told me he thought I should dress more 'grown up and trendy,' so I did."
"We were both English majors, one year apart. We got the same degree and graduated summa cum laude. We were both at the top of our programs. We were both high school teachers. We both taught advanced classes. We both earned our Master's degrees at the same school in the same classes."
"I outperformed him. I earned the English department award for our graduating class. The day of the ceremony, he started a huge fight with me because I hadn't had time to do the laundry while preparing for the defense of my thesis, and the socks he wanted to wear weren't clean. He told me that winning the award didn't mean s**t if I wasn't smart enough to budget time to get basic tasks done."
"A few years later, when we moved into our house, we had floor-to-ceiling bookshelves built to create a library in our living room. I was so excited to put all of my annotated books that I had studied in college and graduate school on the shelves. He wouldn't allow me to, because he said there was no need for 'doubles': he had the same annotated texts. He put all of his copies on the shelves. Mine went upstairs in the closet in his office, where I could get them 'if I needed them.' Otherwise, I could just read his notes, since they were better anyway."
"I wasn't allowed to put up pictures of my family in our house, because then it wouldn't be 'our' house; it would be like 'I' was taking over. If I wanted to see pictures of my family, I could have an album, which could stay in the basement. He hated the Holidays, but I was allowed to have a Christmas tree... which had to come down the day after... which was my birthday. I was absolutely commanded to send out Christmas cards to all of his friends so that he didn't look like an a**hole, though."
"It's just a tiny, tiny bit of a snapshot, but it all started with him saying, 'Those t-shirts aren't really the style anymore. Let me take you shopping; we'll pick out some trendy clothes for you,' which led the way to everything else." - Prudent_Attorney_427
"OP, please listen to the people who have experienced this. You need to take them seriously and understand the warning is for your future. You like who you are now, and he is saying he has a problem with that. You're NOR." - Suddenly_Karma
"Maybe you should remove him from your collection and keep all the fun stuff. You don’t have to get all stodgy and serious when you have kids. Of course, there’s a time for work and a time for play, but you seem like you know the difference. He and his mother sound like soggy old wet dog blankets…" - No-Cupcake-7930
As the subReddit pointed out, this would only be the beginning of the ways in which the OP would be expected to minimize her collection and dim her light in order to make her future husband and his family happy, if she chose to move forward with them.
It sounded like this was the OP's home or rental, so she was honestly better off staying there and maintaining her collection and a future that she could curate for herself. The boyfriend could move into whatever other house he wanted and have the life that he and his parents deemed 'appropriate' and 'mature' enough.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp