A woman who has become a mother will unfortunately tell you that at least one person in their life has diminished their personhood to being a mother only.
But being a mother is only one aspect of a person's identity, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor ihatemyburthday was hurt when her birthday came around, and she was greeted only with gifts for her baby that she didn't need.
But when she was accused of being ungrateful for the gifts, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was overthinking it.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for being upset with my family for giving me baby clothes for my birthday?"
The OP did not need anymore baby clothes.
"So I (30 Female) just had a baby a few months ago, and a lot of people have been really generous with buying us baby clothes."
"I asked my family to stop because we have more than enough clothes."
"We also get hand-me-downs, but some family members insist on buying brand new stuff for us because they don't want my baby wearing 'just hand-me-downs.'"
The OP was surprised by how her family responded.
"So, it was my birthday a week ago. and a few family members got me birthday gifts."
"One family member gave me a huge fancy gift bag and inside was all baby stuff. Bibs, clothes, and soothers, and all stuff I already have and don't need more of."
"I guess I look disappointed, so she made a comment about how rude it was to not appreciate a gift."
"Another family member sheepishly handed me another gift and it was another f**king 'I Love My Mom' type of onesie."
"I tried to act thankful but some family members could tell I was upset."
The family called her out for being "ungrateful."
"Several people have told me I was ungrateful and selfish and that I should just appreciate what I've gotten."
"But I'm so upset. I feel like no one cares about me just my daughter."
"When I told a friend about this, they said I'm an a**hole for being jealous of my child and I should just appreciate all the nice things they got for my baby."
The OP felt conflicted.
"Am I the a**hole for not appreciating what I got? Am I honestly being jealous of my baby?"
""I didn't want anything extravagant this year. I would have been happy with something from the thrift store as long as it was meant for me and not my child."
"I felt like some people used my birthday as an excuse to go baby shopping."
"I know everyone is excited about my baby, and I love them more than anything, but it's like everyone has forgotten about me."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that mothers still have an identity outside of their motherhood.
"I honestly think a huge part of PPD (Postpartum Depresssion) is instantly going from more attention than you could ever possibly want while pregnant to being your child's accessory the second they're born."
"Birthing a child is the only time I've been in the hospital and come out to nobody giving a s**t about me. Though, I will admit I now find being invisible wonderfully freeing."
"What's more, during postpartum, you tend to have an overwhelming amount of cheap or free baby clothes, but you often don't have this clothing that fits yourself."
"I've literally spent more money buying myself new undergarments after the birth of my second than I have buying everything for my second because of hand me downs. It's one thing to get you gift certificates to do an activity with your kid or even a mom-themed mug or shirt, but just gifts for the baby is hurtful." - Used-Situation
"I had two kids 15 months apart. My husband wasn't much of help, and my entire family also lived on another continent and couldn't help. I had a postpartum depression after the second one that turned into a general depression afterwards. It took me 6.5 years to feel normal again."
"A big reason for all of that was me not feeling myself anymore and people around actively reminded me that I was no longer a woman, but a mother. I have very traditional parents that always told me that I needed to marry and procreate and not dream about becoming 'someone' in this world. When I had a baby, my father commented on how selfish I was to buy my favorite band's new album, because it was not a motherly thing."
"I returned to college when the youngest was 2.5. Even though I didn't have enough sleep and still didn't get help from my husband, I was still so much happier, because in college, I was 'me' again. I haven't told anyone that I was married or had two little kids at home."
"Why am I saying all of that?! YOU ARE VALID, just on your own without your motherly duties. So, you had a right to be celebrated as a person, not someone else's mother." - MashaSP
"I am in college and have a toddler. I try not to bring up being married and having a kid until later in the semester (if I ever bring it up at all) because then my classmates just know me as ME. I rarely get that anymore."
"It's hard being in school and being a parent, but I think I'd cease to exist as an individual person if I wasn't because of how society treats mothers." - SourNotesRockHardAbs
"My cousin and her daughter have the same birthday, and even THEN, the daughter has her birthday party in the afternoon, and then the grandparents babysit while the MOM goes out for HER birthday celebration."
"So even when the baby DOESN'T have their own birthday, the mom still gets acknowledgement that it's HER day, TOO."
"And I am having a LOT of fun imagining the fit my cousin would have thrown if anyone had ever DARED to give her a birthday present that was really intended for her daughter." - TogetherAgain18
"F**k them."
"You didn't disappear. You're still here and to be honest, in my opinion, a mum who is still herself and treats herself on occasion is a mentally better than one who completely disappears."
"Those newborn stages are great for baby smells and new beginnings but can take it's toll so when you can get that little something for you it's so so appreciated."
"I don't get why others are not getting that?"
"I mean, we're still people! We still have needs and wants, for f**k's sake!" - Deadleaves82
"I also want to add that it's completely normal for new moms to feel like they are no longer important or are not as important as the baby (because everyone coos over the new baby), and then feel guilty about it."
"Don't feel guilty about this. You are a full person and should be treated as such." - Traveling_Phan
Others theorized the family wouldn't give the OP's husband baby things for his birthday.
"I would love to know if for the husband's birthday, they also gave baby gifts… It's still not okay, but I'm wondering if they are only doing this to the mom, which I can totally see happening." - GrabtharsHamm3r
"The thing a lot of people who gift mom's baby stuff for their (mom's) birthday seem to not realize is... They likely wouldn't do this to a dad for his birthday, and that signals to the mom they're now 'just a mom' and not a person."
"I really feel for moms as so often people stop thinking about them as people with wants and needs and just as servants and caregivers who live to take care of their child (and far too often, their able-bodied, mentally capable male partners, as well)." - ghostofelysium
"NTA."
"These family members sound like the type of morons who would buy their wife an unsolicited kitchen appliance or vacuum cleaner for their birthday or Christmas, and not understand why the wife wasn't 'thrilled' about receiving something for the house instead of for themselves."
"Do they only buy each other presents that are really intended for their children?" - ObjectiveSense102
"Men get praised for stepping up and being an amazing dad when they do exactly as they are meant to do."
"No, I will not praise my husband for helping with changing the baby. No, I will not say thank you when he 'babysits' his own child. No one tells me thank you for watching my own child, so neither will he. No, I will not fawn over a man doing the same thing as a mom is expected to do."
"Men get it easy. Well, other men, my husband will tell you I don't put up with that stuff." - Appropriate-Pound-32
"NTA. Im currently pregnant, and will have the baby before my birthday. If my parents/family/etc. gives me baby stuff on my birthday, I'm going to be so p**sed off. Like you've said before, no one would do this for a dad." - Valuable_Reputation1
"NTA and if you were the dad, people would never give you onesies for your birthday. It's a no-effort, sexist thinking that got you these non-gifts." - ChickyNuggies6789
Some also said there was nothing wrong with expecting a personal gift on their own birthday.
"To be honest, even at baby showers, I usually get a gift that is majority for the mom. A postpartum hospital kit, non expiring spa day, mommy and me type things, or just gift cards so they can get clothes to fit their new bodies. I do this cause I know majority of the gifts will be for the baby."
"I can't imagine giving baby gifts on a new mother's birthday. That's absolutely ridiculous, I'm sorry that happened to you." - Virtual-Bus-3242
"NTA. As you said, these things are for your baby, not for you. It's perfectly fine to want things for yourself and feel good about yourself, there's nothing wrong with that."
"I got plushies for Christmas before the birth and a voucher for a baby shop for my birthday. But for me? There was nothing. Of course I'm grateful, but still no one thought about ME."
"I think it's generally the case in society that mothers are just mothers even on special days like this."
"Also, did the child's father only get baby things? And don't forget. You also asked them not to give anything more." - Blubberbleschen93
"If the family think that the baby is so much of a priority that OP would want baby related gifts, then at least make them something useful."
"Like, takeout food delivery gift certificates, lotions, general gift card, gift certificates for spa, or family photo session, and so many other things that are completely appropriate for new moms but aren't redundant onesies." - Difficult_Leopard325
"NTA. It's your birthday. It's not unusual to expect the gifts to be for you and not someone else. Even if that someone else is your baby. They wouldn't give you s**t for your husbbad instead of you either."
"There is also the fact that you told them that you have all the clothes you need already." - Fantastic-Focus-7056
"NTA. Your birthday is about you as an entire person. Being a mother is only part of who you are."
"These gifts are for the baby, not you. It's like receiving a gift for your husband on your birthday. No thanks." - Wonderful-Intern-351
"I'm not very good at concealing emotions, and there are many times I feel guilty or regretful for not being able to hide how I feel. But this shouldn't be one of those times."
"Your birthday is the one day of the year where it should actually, in fact, be about you. The baby has their own birthday." - StarInkbright
The subReddit was absolutely furious on the OP's behalf. Her receiving baby gifts on her own birthday was absolutely uncalled for.
Even if the baby shower had taken place on her birthday, there still should have been an element of it being her birthday, in addition to the shower.
A person does not stop being a person with individual thoughts and interests the moment they become pregnant, has a baby, or adopts.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.