Dealing with difficult in-laws should be over once you're divorced, but if the divorcees have kids they may be stuck with interacting with them for the sake of their kids.
A divorced father with adult children turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback over being asked to interact with his ex-mother-in-law who dislikes him.
JealousNight-6076 asked:
"AITA because my kids refuse to come to my wedding unless they can bring their grandma (my ex-mother-in-law)?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I divorced my ex-wife about 7 years ago."
"At the time, I was the stay-at-home parent. Her hours were all over the place with what she was working on. Some weeks she would end up doing a 12-hour day, and another week she would be traveling."
"It is a high-stress job that pays well, and overall, she didn’t wish to handle any of the household stuff.
So I was a stay-at-home parent. It is what worked best for us."
"I did go back to work for a little while when my oldest was in middle school, but it didn’t work well with her schedule. It added more housework on her end and she didn’t wish to do that. So, I stayed at home as a parent so I could take care of everything in the home."
"Then my wife wanted to bring her elderly mother to live with us. It was a big argument, I didn’t want her to move in because I knew that I would have to look after her and basically become a full-time caregiver for her even after our kids were grown up. I wanted her to go to a home."
"She cannot walk well, has issues seeing, and overall can not function without help. She is on a lot of medication ( I don’t know what they are) and needs help in basically all her tasks. Example, she needs help to go to the restroom, but not to the point where she needs adult diapers yet."
"My ex-wife told me she was moving her mother in no matter what, since she was the one who paid the bills. That is when we got divorced, and I went back to work."
"Despite being the primary caregiver, I got every weekend with custody. I tried for more, but it’s really hard when you don’t have much money. I didn’t have the money to fight it."
"The divorce was being dragged out, and I couldn’t afford to pay for my lawyer halfway through. I was going into severe debt and she knew that. I actually took weekends as a win because she was trying to get 100%.
"Tried to go back to readjust the schedule, and the same sh*t would happen, she would drag it out as much as possible, and I would end up in debt."
"Unfortunately, the care for grandma fell on my two oldest kids when they were with their mom. It was a long-running argument between my ex-wife and me."
"When they were minors, I know my ex-wife hired someone for the weekends because the kids were with me. Now that they are adults, she stopped, and the kids trade off weekends on who stays home to take care of grandma."
"That was 7 years ago, and I am getting remarried."
"My kids are now. 21, 20, and 18. They still live at their mom's and take care of grandma. I still see them most weekends. My ex-wife works long hours to support everyone, and so the care falls on them. I disagree with it sooo much."
"Being her caregivers until she dies seems to be the plan… no matter what I say, they won’t move out. I had to beg my oldest to continue college and not take a gap year to care for her more."
"I get that they love her, but they are setting themselves on fire and dislike being her caregiver. This never should have fallen on them, my wife should have been the caregiver or hired one."
"My ex-wife makes good money, more than I ever have, but she's dumped this on the kids after I wouldn't let her dump it on me."
"It doesn’t help that my kids are bitter I divorced their mom, and they were forced into a caregiver role. They love their grandma, but are burnt out. I’ve told them so many times they can live with me full time, but they feel like they can’t walk away because who would take care of grandma?"
"I sent out invites to the wedding (they already knew the date), and I thought it was all good. I have family in Europe, so I wanted to give them a lot of time to save up and make plans."
"I got a call from my oldest daughter saying they need to bring grandma, and she needs an invite. I don’t care for grandma (she was a royal b*tch when I first met my wife and throughout our marriage)."
"I told her that she isn’t invited, and my ex-wife can look after her own mother for a night. My kids told me she can’t since she will be working. My wedding is on a Saturday a year from now (11 months). She can watch her mother one night a year from now."
"I told my oldest no, and their mom will need to figure it out. She then told me she will not come if Grandma can’t come. I reiterated that grandma is not invited."
"I know it will end in a screaming match if I talk to my ex-wife directly the moment I bring up grandma. But my kids don't seem willing to even ask their mother to take care of her own mother for a single day."
"We got into a big argument about it, and she told me I need to step up, unlike what I did years ago (the divorce). I told her she is welcome to come, but Grandma is not invited."
"My other kids have texted they are not coming if grandma can’t…"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"AITA for not inviting grandma to my wedding? My kids are telling me they will not come anymore. I could be a dick for just not inviting her, but I don’t want her there since she always made it clear she hates me."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"So your kids are expected to stay in that house, take care of their grandmother, until she dies‽‽ They aren't responsible for her and neither are you. NTA." ~ Theresa_S_Rose
"While I agree with you, it is very likely that their mother has managed to put immense guilt on them. They were only 14, 13, and 11, when this happened."
"Very easy for mom to brainwash them into believing this is normal, and that grandma is their responsibility. You carry sh*t like that into adulthood."
"If they are going to post-secondary, they are probably arranging their schedules around each other so that someone is always able to look after grandma. You can't change their thinking by just saying no to accommodating what they've been taught." ~ _Allyka_
"I find it interesting that your ex has been able to cover care every weekend for her Mother when the kids are with you, but cannot arrange anything a year from now on your wedding day. I think this is intentional on her part—she is trying to ruin your day with revengeful intent." ~ BeeLadyUP
"NTA. Your kids are manipulating you into letting a toxic woman into your day, just like your ex did back then. Do not give in. Say 'I'm sorry you feel that way. If you don't want to come, that's your decision. I'll miss you.' They'll either come or they won't." ~ Ok-Bicycle8103
"I agree with NTA, but think that probably the kids are being manipulated to feel responsible for the grandma’s care 24/7 and discouraged from having their own lives." ~ Infamous_Power_1100
"Your wedding is a year from now, and they're already adamantly saying no unless you invite their grandma. Are you certain they even want to come at all?" ~ cheestaysfly
"OP, I don’t think your children want to come. I mean, they are adamant on bringing grandma, knowing you would probably say no."
"So I think you need to be okay with that decision of theirs. NTA, though." ~ Unable-Bumblebee-738
"Your ex can request a day off from work and take care of her mother. She can, but she won't. It's clear that everyone is peeved about this. There's no way she's going to put herself out so her ex-spouse can get remarried in peace." ~ RoyallyOakie
The OP provided a quick update:
"I’m going to offer to pay for a caregiver for the night. I will find the money, and hopefully it isn’t too expensive."
While OP was justified in expecting his ex-wife to be responsible for her own mother for one night, they ultimately decided their children's presence at their wedding was more important.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.