Every wedding is going to be different, in that it has finishing touches and little traditions that are special to the bride, groom, and their families.
It's not that unusual for the bride and groom to honor their families at their wedding, shrugged the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
While Redditor Content-Patient-6521 and her future husband planned to include her mother-in-law in the lighting of the family unity candle, she was otherwise against including her mother-in-law in the wedding procession.
When her mother-in-law was hurt by this and also wanted to walk down the aisle like the bride's parents would, the Original Poster (OP) accused her of making the wedding all about herself.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for not wanting my Mother-in-Law (MIL) to walk down the aisle at my wedding?"
The OP and her mother-in-law were struggling to agree during the wedding planning.
"I'm getting married in a few months, and overall planning has gone pretty smoothly, but there's one issue that's been driving me nuts. My future mother-in-law insists on walking down the aisle at my wedding."
"For context, she's not part of the wedding party, she's not giving anyone away, and she's not officiating. She just wants to walk down the aisle by herself as part of the processional, basically as if she were the Mother of the Bride."
"I told her no politely. I explained that our plan was for my fiancé and the officiant to enter from the side, then the wedding party would walk, then my parents, and finally me."
"We're already including her in a meaningful way. She's going to light one of the candles during the unity ceremony and will be seated in the front row."
The OP's mother-in-law continued to press the issue.
"Apparently, that's not enough. She said she deserves her own moment to be seen and honored because she raised my fiancé and has just as much right to walk down the aisle as my parents do."
"I tried explaining that traditionally, the Mother of the Groom is seated before the ceremony starts, but she got really upset and said she's not a seat filler, she's his mother, and she's not going to be shuffled in like some background character."
"My fiancé tried to talk to her, but she got emotional and accused us of disrespecting her and trying to erase her from his life. Then she said if we don't let her walk down the aisle, she might not come at all."
The family pressured the OP to include her mother-in-law.
"Now, a few of his aunts and cousins are messaging me, saying I'm being controlling and that it wouldn't hurt anything to just let her walk."
"But to me, it feels like she's trying to turn the ceremony into a moment about herself. I don't want to reward that kind of emotional manipulation, and I really don't want to start my marriage with this kind of boundary being crossed."
"But now I'm wondering if I'm making a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be."
"AITAH for saying no?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some cringed and thought the bride was being hurtful toward her mother-in-law.
"I'm generally Team Bride, but in this case, yes, YTA."
"You are NOT sticking with 'tradition'; your parents are walking together, and you are walking by yourself. Also, it's your you and your future husband's wedding... You can do anything you want to do... 'WANT' being the operative word."
"And don't act like she has some honorable role by lighting the unity candle. Both moms light one."
"Additionally, the mother of the groom DOES walk down the aisle. She traditionally is walked down the aisle by her own son before the ceremony starts or by a groomsmen."
"Just say you can't stand your MIL and you're looking for a way to hurt her. Sheesh." - mid40smomof3
"I'm leaning YTA. MIL could walk her son down the aisle instead of him coming in from the side. Makes a heck of a lot more sense and is more inclusive. After all, her son is half of the wedding." - Worldly-Grade5439
"I think she has a point. You're playing favorites. 'Oh, but MY parents are the parents of the bride, not the groom, so they're special!' Get over yourself. YTA." - Obi-Juan_Valdez
"Oh, but her mother raised her, that makes the mother of the bride important to the OP. Apparently, wolves raised her fiancé, so his mother doesn't get equal treatment... YTA." - pigandpom
"Of all the hills to die on for a wedding, this is a weird one. Seems pretty straightforward to go well, how about everyone gets to walk down the aisle? The groom can walk his mum to her seat down the aisle, the bride's parents come in, then the bridal party, etc."
"Seems very easy to create a reasonable compromise that doesn't create drama. Also, the reality is NO ONE will care that the MOG walked down the aisle except the bride."
"Literally none of the guests are going to think anything of it. It's not a spotlight moment; it's the s**tty commercials before the movie starts at the theater." - Aradene
"YTA. To be honest, I think it's a little too late for OP to decide whether she wants drama and tension at this point. She already checked yes on that box."
"OP can try to backtrack all she (doesn't) want, but MIL is never going to forget this. Regardless of what OP decides to do, this is always going to be a thing from now on."
"Some bad decisions cannot be undone." - Noodlefanboi
Others agreed that the wedding arrangements seemed to be unfair.
"It doesn't sound like your dad is escorting you down the aisle, but your parents are walking in before you as part of the processional. So why can't your husband to be mom get to walk in the processional, too? It's your wedding, but it does seem unfair." - Select_Winner6365
"I've also been to weddings where both sets of parents walk down the aisle, a few where the groom had both parents walk with him. Could his mother walk with him down the aisle?"
"I understand traditions, but what's the harm in having her walk down the aisle for 15 seconds? Aside from voicing how hurt she feels about being left out (which she's totally allowed to feel), is she behaving badly for asking to be part of the processional?"
"I feel like there's room for compromise." - HeyGoogleImSad
"If OP's parents are walking down the aisle before the bride, then MIL should also be included in that ceremony or walk with her son. Traditional weddings have changed so much that it's not difficult to do something new if it keeps the peace."
"Traditionally, the bride's parents paid for the whole wedding. Nowadays, the groom and bride usually pay so they can control their wedding. Having MIL have her moment may go a long way in a much happier life moving forward. Cave in here and fight tooth and nail next time she wants something." - 20MLSE20
"It is not traditional for the mother of the bride to walk down the aisle. So having your mother walk down the aisle but not your fiancés mother would appear unfair. Ultimately, it's your and your fiancé's choice, but I feel like this could slip into YTA territory very quickly and very easily." - Low-Programmer-7447
"Traditionally, the Mother of the Bride is the last one seated and is the cue to the attendees that the wedding begins now. The music to which the bridemaids & bride with her father walk down the aisle should begin now."
"If the Mother of the Bride is single and chooses to walk the bride down the aisle instead of a male relative, another cue can be used, like the Mother of the Groom."
"I was the Maid of Honor in a wedding party, where the MOB was single and Dad was not involved with his kids since he left. MOB walked the bride down the aisle."
"In that instance, the Father of the Groom offered to walk the bride down the aisle so the MOB could be last escorted down. Bride and Groom discussed it and decided, together, the MOB would walk the bride down the aisle."
"So, I understand why MOG has her feelings hurt."
"Suggestion: tell MOG that since both bride's parents will walk the bride down the aisle, MOG will now be the last one seated and cue to organist (or whoever is providing music) to begin playing bridal procession music, and guests should take cues on standing when the bride enters the ceremony area."
"You could even add a note in the program for guests to watch her for cues when to sit and when to stand. MOG should be seated by Best Man (not her husband) to signify her importance." - BonusMomSays
"I feel so bad for MIL. This is a huge moment in her son's life, and I think she just wants to be included in one last thing before she gives away her son."
"Yes, I'm sure there will be holidays and visits, but that's officially not her little boy anymore; that's now someone's husband! It's a big change for everyone involved, and it sucks that she's being shoved so hard to the side." - Itchy-Cryptographer2
The subReddit wanted to side with the bride, wishing her the best on her special day, but all they could do was cringe and question what the bride was thinking.
If she wanted to include her mother in the aisle procession, it only stood to reason that her future husband would want the same for his own mother, and that her mother-in-law might also expect the same treatment.
There likely would be arguments in the family in the future that were much more important; maybe this wasn't something to turn into an argument, especially this early in the relationship.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp