Guilt is a natural reaction humans with compassion feel. It's also a weapon too many people and entities wield to manipulate people to do what they want.
Known as a guilt trip, it amounts to emotional blackmail.
A couple dealing with weaponized guilt turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Whitneygames09 asked:
"AITA for declining both of our parents' anniversary trips because we don't think milestone anniversaries should require $15k-$10k vacations?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband and I have been together almost 20 years. One thing that's always been true is that both of our families seem to compete with each other over who is the better grandparent, who gives more gifts, who spends more money, and who gets more time with us."
"It's been exhausting enough that we've intentionally limited contact with both sides."
"Recently, both sets of parents have had age-related health issues. Since then, every holiday or family event seems to come with comments like, 'This could be our last Christmas,' 'our last vacation,' or 'our last chance to make memories.' I understand where that's coming from, but it also feels like every invitation now comes with guilt attached."
"The current issue started with my husband's parents' 50th wedding anniversary. The family decided to celebrate with a week-long cruise. For my husband, me, and our child, it would cost around $15,000. Everyone else immediately put down deposits."
"We quietly declined. It wasn't because we don't love them or don't want to celebrate. We just can't justify spending that much on one vacation. We suggested alternatives like a large anniversary party or family reunion that would let everyone celebrate together without such a huge financial commitment, but those ideas weren't well received."
"A short time later, my parents announced that for their 45th anniversary they wanted everyone to go on an international all-inclusive vacation. This wasn't something they'd mentioned before, and the timing made it feel like they heard about my in-laws' trip and didn't want to be outdone."
"Their trip would cost less than the cruise, but it's still a significant expense. We declined that one too for the exact same reason. We don't think it makes sense to spend that kind of money on back-to-back family vacations, regardless of which side is asking."
"Now both families think we're selfish, don't value family, and will regret not making these memories if someone dies."
"We do understand our parents are getting older, and we genuinely sympathize with that. But it feels like we're being pressured to spend tens of thousands of dollars because of guilt and fear rather than because it's something we'd actually choose to do."
"We aren't refusing to celebrate. We just don't think milestone anniversaries should come with the expectation that everyone else pays for luxury vacations when there are plenty of meaningful, less expensive ways to celebrate."
"AITA for declining both anniversary trips and suggesting that milestone anniversaries could be celebrated in less expensive ways instead of expecting everyone to pay for luxury vacations?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"I thought you were going to say they offered you a $15k vacation as a gift for your 20th. Unless you are flush with cash, expecting you to spend $15k to celebrate their milestone is nuts. NTA." ~ curien
"Right? The audacity to expect someone else to drop five figures so they can celebrate their milestone is wild." ~ faded_glassbay61
"First year of marriage my husband and I had to do marriage counseling because his parents pressured and manipulated him into sending them on $30k+ vacation for their 50th anniversary. They have repeated the trip each year since (but now on their own dime). Husband has fully recovered and now has boundaries, thankfully." ~ Ms-scientist
"I'm of the opinion that wedding anniversaries are like weddings, it's for the married couple to celebrate, and to host. If you want to make a big deal anniversary celebration, host one. Don't expect others to buy their way into your celebration plans." ~ Professional_Ruin953
"I do think the 50th can be hosted by the family since it's such a big one, but my experience with that has been a catered meal at my grandparents' respective church halls where costs were split by the adult children." ~ Kheldarson
"Yup! My maternal grandparents had a great 50th party. My aunt hosted because she's a control freak, lol. Per my grandparents' request, us grandkids did demonstrations of our artistic talents instead of gifts."
"My cousins are all very talented and we were mostly adults so it was very nice. Then their kids pitched in and gave them a weekend stay at a nice hotel and a bunch of museum tickets."
"For my grandfather's 60th birthday, my mother organized a little family "math conference" for him. They're both mathematicians, and in the math community, a 60th birthday conference is a standard way of recognizing outstanding mathematicians."
"My brother and I were both in elementary school, but she helped us prove some patterns we'd noticed. I had a method for checking of a number was divisible by 4."
"Then we gave talks and put together typed up proceedings. There was also a snack table. My grandfather was absolutely thrilled." ~ MathAndBake
"When my parents wanted a big family vacation with all the grandkids they paid for the whole thing and scaled/budgeted accordingly." ~ jmurphy42
"I got lucky with my in-laws. When they celebrated 50 years of marriage, they took all 10 of us to Disney for a week."
"We stayed at The Polynesian. I know it was expensive back in 2013, I can’t even imagine what that would cost now."
"OP, if I had to pay for that trip, you can bet I’d have NOT gone. There’s no way that you’re the AH in that situation." ~ Willing-Grapefruit-9
"Sorry, but why is a week long cruise costing 15k? Are you on a private yacht? NTA, but that seems steep for a cruise. We're doing a cruise for our 20th anniversary, but expecting limited people to join us simply because of the expense." ~ MissingInAction01
"An Alaskan cruise can cost upwards of $5000 per person. OP said three people, including their child. That’s before airline tickets, recommended hotel the night prior to departure." ~ ThisAdvertising8976
"Still NTA, but even if each set of parents did pay for everything, it seems OP and their partner are kind of fed up with the grandparent’s attempts at spending lavishly on gifts and things for them in a weird competition. Which sounds like a good problem to have, but can easily create more."
"Both sets of parent’s likely use that spending to try and guilt OP and their partner further, and that can escalate when they are in their own private competition with OP’s family in the middle."
"Guilt trips like, 'We just spent $15k on you last summer, and the other parents only spent $10k. Why is it the last time you visited you only spent 2 days with us, but when you visited them you spent 3?!? We demand you spend an entire week with us next month!'."
"OP has that boundary in place for a reason." ~ TogarSucks
"Oh believe me there doesn't have to be money involved for that guilt trip conversation with a parent. My parent does that every time we see her.
"We live in different countries, and every visit (we go to her), she compares the time we spend with my in-laws and the time I spend with my father's family with what we spend with her. I spent 10 minutes once explaining that it was exactly the same, and it turned out she was upset she got 2 hours less than my father."
"That was the time we spent traveling between them, not with them. She insisted we should have worked it so that came from his time. I gave up years ago trying to make it all even because it was never going to be enough." ~ readergirl35
"NTA. From the vantage point of age 61: First off, the 'this might be my last...' thing can and often does last thirty years. You can’t let that dictate every single holiday and vacation—in fact, you can even fall into this pattern where the aging parents can wield that weapon (sometimes unintentionally) so effectively and for so many years that the grown children essentially never get a chance to do their own dream vacations and special bucket-list dreams.
"Because by the time the parents finally do die, the kids can be in their 60’s and have gotten too old & creaky to do the adventurous trips they once were dreaming of. Ask me how I know."
"Second, I don’t even believe the 'it might be my last...' till past age 80. These days, actuarial tables show that if you make it to 60, you’re probably going to make it to 80."
Third, if they want to do a big last fling, all-family-there type trip, they gotta pay for it. When my folks turned ninety and were approaching their 70th wedding anniversary (not 45th, not 60th, 70th!), they flew the entire extended family down to Cancun for one big last bash."
"They paid for everything. They were not rich or anything, but they’d been saving up their pensions and as my dad said, 'what else are we gonna spend it on at this point?' The next month (once back home, not Cancun) they got the flu, it turned to pneumonia, and eight months later they were both gone."
"So that really was the last party. But they were 90, y’know? And they paid everybody’s flight and food and lodging for the whole extended family—the distant uncles, the grandkids, the boyfriends/girlfriends of the grandkids, everybody."
"It was awesome. I will remember that wonderful Cancun trip to my dying day. That’s how you do it. I suppose it must’ve chipped into what I ended up inheriting, but I don’t give a f*ck, that’s how you do it." ~ NorthernSparrow
OP's parents' and in-laws' plans cost more than they comfortably want to spend. Family events that are financial burdens aren't likely to be much fun.
