Children grow up and move away.
They go on to have friends, lovers, a career and a life of their own.
That doesn’t always feel great for parents.
Which is understandable.
But how they deal with this issue can cause some turmoil.
Case in point…
Redditor notreallyysure wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for not wanting to go over to my parents every weekend?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (25 F[emale]) moved out of my parent’s house (50 M[ale] & 48 F) and live about an hour drive away.”
“Ever since I moved out 6 months ago, I have visited and stayed with them every single weekend.”
“It is not enough that I spend the day there but they want me to spend the nights over Friday-Sunday.”
“It’s the least I can do for them, since they have done so much for me.”
“And they get lonely.”
“But it’s reaching a point where I’m getting exhausted packing my stuff and driving over every single weekend.”
“In the beginning it was fine since I didn’t really have much going on.”
“But now I’ve got friends, a B[oy]F[riend], and I work 9-5 so with all my responsibilities I barely have time to myself.”
“Last weekend I cancelled on my parents because I made plans with some friends to go out Saturday night since my boyfriend is in town for the week.”
“We’re a long distance relationship and I usually can’t make plans with friends in the weekend because my parents always want me over.”
“My parents were really let down, so I promised I would come over a day early next weekend to make it up to them.”
“However my BF and I want to extend his stay over last minute.”
“I called my parents saying I won’t be coming a day early like I said and my mom started guilt tripping me.”
“Saying that I always do this (there were 4-5 weekends during my entire 6 month lease where I cancelled on them).”
“And that I got her hopes up and how I always let her down.”
“I feel really guilty about this because I did promise I’d come but I barely get to see my boyfriend.”
“My sister texted me saying they’re very hurt that I cancelled twice on them.”
“I do have to mention that this has happened a few times where I agree to come over but cancel last minute because I’m just so tired and would rather be doing my own thing.”
“I love visiting them but it can get so tiring going over every weekend.”
“But at the same time I feel really guilty because I know they love having me over.”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“I’ll be as objective as possible so not to come off as a *ick.”
“NTA. You’re a fully grown adult with your own life, responsibilities, relationships, etc.”
“Assuming they’re wholly capable of taking care of themselves you are absolutely not obligated to be there so often.”
“Now stepping into opinion territory: your mother is an overbearing and toxic woman.”
“She has no right to ‘guilt trip’ you, and doing so tells me she does not view you as an equal.”
“She still sees you as the daughter she can control.”
“I’d urge you to sit down and have a genuine conversation with her about what’s acceptable and explain that you have a life you need to live as well.”
“Set up a schedule.”
“Do not allow her to push you around or make you feel bad.” ~ itssbojo
“My mom does this she lives an hour and a half away.”
“I don’t have a car so every time I have to rent a car.”
“Which takes twice as long and costs money.”
“When she could much more easily come to me.”
“But instead says I don’t prioritize family.”
“Look I love my family.”
“But it’s not my job to keep them entertained or from being lonely.”
“I’ve blown up over this a couple of times because I do give an effort and it’s frustrating my mom focused on the negative (my dad does realize this).”
“My mom is not perfect and I truly do think lonely so it comes from a place of love even if misplaced.”
“The one thing I will say is don’t promise to go and cancel.”
“Instead say… mom and dad I love you but I’m 25 and have a life to live.”
“Sorry, but I am limiting my visits to once a month (or whatever frequency you are comfortable with but it should not be every weekend).”
“Force your parents to live their lives without you.”
“I don’t think your parents are horrible people and I do think they actually do feel let down.”
“So part of that is managing their expectations and part is realizing you can’t manage their feelings but you are not responsible for them good or bad.”
“Enjoy your 20s, and work on setting healthy boundaries.” ~ thatshowitgoes2189
“Maybe not my business.”
“But have you considered resetting your boundaries so that it doesn’t get to the point where you are blowing up?”
“If you’re still blowing up at your mom, that probably means that the boundaries still aren’t where they need to be.” ~ fzooey78
“NTA, I know that you’ve been raised to consider it normal, but… how do I put this delicately…”
“OK, you know the stuff that you’re doing?”
“Demanding job, boyfriend, full social life?”
“That’s all amazingly normal.”
“Your parents trying to squash all that just so you can see them every weekend?”
“That is amazingly not normal.”
“Seriously, I am super close with my family and I am cringing internally at yours.”
“Please work on setting healthier boundaries – maybe a full long weekend every couple of months + a weekly call to start.”
“Trust me, no matter what they insist they will not crumble to dust without you there.”
“It might even motivate them to get out and find lives of their own.” ~ Shoereader
OP responded…
“Thanks for this.”
“At the moment I felt incredibly guilty and like the worst daughter but I’ve come to realize it’s very toxic.”
“I moved out because of how controlling they are but I guess it’s still happening in ways I’m not aware of.”
“You mention you’re incredibly close to your family and that’s something I aspire to – healthily.”
“If you don’t mind me asking, how often do you talk to/visit your parents? What do the boundaries look like?”
Reddit responded…
“Pretty much what I describe above – phone calls (and now Zooming, sometimes WhatsApp).”
“Once a week or so, with weekend evenings/other casual meetups – sister + fam happen to be going hiking nearby, for instance – once every month or so, and full-on weekends every few months.”
“This all comes about very naturally because we are all busy with our own lives, and live far enough apart that regular physical meet-ups aren’t practical.”
“Everyone respects each other’s time, despite any disappointment.”
“Perhaps that’s a model your parents might accept.”
“General catching up can be done over the phone/Zoom/social media, and get-togethers can be saved for special times, like a favorite meal or a movie you all want to see.” ~ Shoereader
“First, NTA and I’m in agreement with everyone else commenting.”
“I thought I’d offer my perspective as someone who does see my parents weekly.”
“And what your family expects is still over the top in comparison.”
“I’m very close with my parents.”
“They live 5 minutes away, they babysit our kids one day a week, and we also usually spend Sunday afternoons and dinner at their house.”
“To many people, that’s a LOT.”
“I enjoy it and the kids enjoy it, so it works for us.”
“But I’m never guilted if I cancel on them.”
“They understand I have my own life.”
“My sister lives with her boyfriend, also about 5 minutes away.”
“They have no kids and a busy social life.”
“They also spend a lot of time with my parents on Sundays, but again, there is zero guilt if they’ve got something else going on.”
“We live our own lives and choose how much time we spend with our parents without pressure.” ~ kiwipaint
“NTA. How do they get lonely if they live together?”
“Even if there was just one of them, every weekend is excessive.”
“You need to manage their expectations as clearly and consistently as you can.”
“Trying to make you feel guilty is not something you expect from loving, supportive parents.” ~ diminishingpatience
“NTA. You’re 25. This isn’t normal or healthy.” ~ leinad2337
“You’re a grown adult you do not need to be there every single weekend.”
“You have your own life and you need to start living it.”
“You need to start separating more, this isn’t healthy for all of you. NTA.” ~ LikeTheFont
OP came back with some details…
“Edit: Thank you for all the responses and advice!”
“I realize I’m in a toxic situation and you all were so helpful in help me realize this.”
“I fully expected to be the a**hole in this situation so this was kind of a surprise.”
“I also do have to mention that my parents did help me buy me a car even though I insisted that I want to do it on my own.”
“So now they’ll usually tell me that I have to come back home for the weekend because they need the car, which is another reason I feel obligated to go over.”
“Mind you, they already have 2 cars.”
“My BF told me from the beginning when they offered to help out that they’re using it for control but I was so blind to it.”
Well OP, Reddit is in your corner.
And it sounds like you have a grasp on the situation.
Sorry you’re in the middle of this.
Hopefully you and your parents can find common ground.
Good luck.