When we are guests in someone else's home, we generally want to ensure we are taking good care of it.
Many people tend to be even neater and tidier than they are in their own home.
Most of the time, this gesture is appreciated by our hosts, and we are met with gratitude and appreciation.
Most of the time.
Redditor honkifconfused2 and her husband recently housesat for a close family friend.
While there, the original poster (OP) and her husband made sure they were taking good care of the OP's home.
With the OP even making sure she was putting in a little extra care.
Much to the OP's surprise, however, the OP's efforts were met with anything but appreciation.
Wondering if they had done anything wrong, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for cleaning the house I was housesitting?"
The OP explained why their friend was furious when she returned to her home, which the OP and her husband had been housesitting:
"For context me (28 F[emale]) and my husband (31 M[ale]) have been together for 9 years in total and since he was younger he has been friends (family really) with this older woman named Sharron and her family."
"He played soccer with her son."
"A couple of months ago, she asked us to house sit and dog sit for her while she was away on a business trip, and she paid for our flights from Pennsylvania to Arizona."
"She said that it would be less expensive to have us fly out than pay for a sitter for her dog that needs extra care."
"It was also a little vacation for us, so I felt kinda bad she was paying for us as well, but I went anyways."
"While we were there I had been cleaning the house."
"This house was not dirty at all, but I did mop, sweep, and clean up random stuff around the house as a gesture as that was what I was taught was a nice practice."
"Anyways, she came home and was super offended that I cleaned and that it was disrespectful to her."
"I said I thought I was being nice, and it would be nice to come home and relax."
"My husband said that she was being unreasonable."
"Now my husband and her are not talking, and she is talking about me to the rest of the family, and I feel like it's my fault."
"The random stuff I cleaned was countertops/tables, folding blankets, cleaning the bathroom before we left, and some (very) light dusting."
"I did not throw out anymore or move anything to different places, if I did move anything to wipe it down, it was right back to its place."
"Am I the a**hole?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community almost unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for cleaning her friend's house.
Everyone agreed that the OP was doing her friend a favor, with just about everyone agreeing that they would have been the same thing:
"NTA."
"This was a miscommunication."
"You did what you believed to be the right thing, having no information to the contrary."
"She didn't like it."
"She's allowed to not like it."
"She's allowed to be upset about it."
"That doesn't mean what you did was actually wrong though."
"At least, based on what you've said here."- pkkmm
"NTA."
"In other news."
"You looking for anymore house sitting gigs?"- TheKeystoners
"NTA."
"My mom taught us to always leave a place you stay better than how you found it."
"If you all were staying there, you pretty much just cleaned up after yourselves."- SeorniaGrim
"What is she talking to the rest of the family about you, lol?"
"'That B had the nerve to clean up after herself, and wipe down the counters'."
"'Unbelievable!'"
"NTA."- TuckerCarlsonsOhface
"NTA."
'But, just as a previous poster asked, what random stuff did you organize?"
"A friend of mine checked in on my dog while I was away."
"I came home and my place smelled of floor cleaner."
"She had taken it upon herself to clear off my kitchen counter and proceed to clean it with my floor cleaner."
"Luckily the counter wasn't ruined."
"When I told her that she shouldn't have used that on the counter, I felt kind of bad that I wasn't thanking her instead, but I didn't ask her to clean anything (except any dog mess)."- Total-Goat6792
"NTA."
"You probably hit on an insecurity she has."
"If someone was house sitting for me & I came home to a cleaner home, I would instantly feel embarrassed, like the house wasn't clean enough and they had to clean my dirty house."
"I would also be insanely grateful and respond more with thanks & apologizes for my dirty home."- starry_nite99
"NTA."
"I wish all houseguests left the place neater than when they got there."- ParhTracer
"NTA."
"When i watch my friends kitties while her and her mom are gone, I always do the dishes, put the dishes away, (not my dishes btw they were just left from before they left) I clean up the couch and etc and then vacuum and grab all the trashes before I leave."
"She's always been a tidy person who stress cleans, so it's not that her apartment was dirty, it was just something I knew she'd stress about after getting home that I wanted to take care of for her so she could just relax."- Odd_Climate_1630
"NTA."
"I house sat for some friends and before they came, I did the same."
"Swept, mopped and cleaned the bathroom."
"I would also be THRILLED if someone did this for me at any time lol."- Outrageous_Bag1722
"If you would like - you can always come to my house and clean."
"Lol."
"I am like you - clean up after yourself and maybe even leave it a little nicer than you found it."
"Especially when borrowing someone's car (also put a full tank of gas in it when you give it back)."
"I would be thrilled to come home from a work trip to zero things needing to be done."
"NTA."
"Ignore the comments."
"You're a nicer person than most."- CheeSupreme1743
"NTA."
"Even the husband is, where he should be, on your side."- zzay
"NTA."
'This sounds like misdirected anger."- LadyJusticeThe
"NTA."
"But FYI the reaction may depend on your relationship."
"My mother-in-law is a big snoop."
"She once did the same; including cleaning behind the bed (where our toys were hidden)."
"She was not even staying in our room."
"The next time we just locked the bedroom door."
"Which she complained about."- DruidHeart
"NTA."
"I think that OP owes her husband's family friend a sincere apology, to the extent that she is sorry that she over-stepped their implicit boundaries."
"She should say that she meant to be helpful and respectful, and that she appreciated the opportunity to come visit Arizona and get quality time with such a good dog."
"If the homeowner wants to stay mad, that's on her."
"It is very common for people to be insecure about their housecleaning and feel 'called out' if someone else does that work."
"It is amazing how many people stay up late cleaning the day before a housekeeper comes."- mycruelid
"Can I pay for you to travel to my house and house sit and clean?"
"NTA."- StructEngineer91
There were some, however, who could see why the OP's friend might have been put off by her cleaning, as she could have taken it as a commentary on her own cleanliness, even if they still didn't find her reaction appropriate:
"ESH."
"She's overreacting, but she probably felt like you cleaning was a commentary on her own cleanliness (and to an extent it is), even though you were just trying to be nice."
"That said:"
"'I did clean up random stuff around the house'."
"This is where you lost me."
"I've had dogsitters helpfully try to 'clean up' my stuff around the house, and getting home to unexpectedly find that your stuff is not left where or the way you like it is not relaxing in the least."
"Yes, it 'looked' cleaner, but I actually had to spend a fair bit of time and effort fixing things back to the way I wanted them."- ShadowsObserver
"I'm going against the grain here to say ESH."
"I had this happen to me where I had a friend pet sit and they cleaned my whole house to sparkling."
"My house was not dirty to begin with but clearly had been cleaned with significant effort."
"I felt awful that the house wasn't clean enough for her to feel comfortable just feeding the pets."
"I felt obligated to tip her heavily because of the extra work she did."
'She also rearranged my kitchen, which made it hard to find things."
"I know she had good intentions so I wasn't openly upset with her, but I wouldn't ask her to pet sit again."
"Your friend is the a**hole for badmouthing you to family though."- Acrobatic_Toe7157
Had the OP's friend returned to their home to find papers disorganized, appliances moved to different places, or items thrown out, her anger would have been more than justified.
However, seeing as she came home to a clean home, it's a little confusing exactly what she found so "disrespectful"?
One can only imagine how she would have reacted had she come home to a dirty home...
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp