Opening up one’s home to loved ones in need is a beautiful gesture.
But some people overstay their welcome.
This gesture isn’t meant to be forever.
Especially when the people in need aren’t doing anything to better their situation.
Redditor babybullah wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITA for not letting my fiancée’s family crash over at my house?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (M[ale] 27 ) have been with my fiancée (F[emale] 32) for 7 years.”
“I am a resident in training, but I come from a financially comfortable background; my parents bought me a nice house a year back.”
“My fiancée works in retail, comes from a modest family, and had a very struggling childhood.”
“I try my best to give her the best life possible, but lately, what’s bothering me is this fact.
“The new house has extra bedrooms, like 3 extra, and since we have moved in, somehow all her family members are having problems of some sort or have troubles with their own places, and she lets them stay here.”
“I don’t mind an overnight stay, but they stay for weeks, and her mother hasn’t left in four months.”
“Now I come home to her brother or sister chilling on the couch and watching TV or using my PS4.”
“Sometimes, some aunt or uncle comes to visit her mother, and they stay for days.”
“I don’t speak Spanish.”
“I don’t understand much of what they say, and I feel excluded in my own house.”
“Whenever I try to talk to my fiancée, she keeps repeating what struggles her family is facing and how they are important for her happiness.”
“Every time I bring it up, she gets upset like it’s my fault that they live with us or find excuses to crash at our place.”
“I don’t think I can take this anymore, and none of her family looks like they’re grateful.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. You need to stand your ground on this and set a hard boundary.”
“This is not what you signed up for, and you deserve your peace.”
“They are important for her happiness.”
“What about your happiness?”
“You never signed up to run a hostel or halfway house.” ~ GreekAmericanDom
“THIS. Time to cut things and restore sanity to your life.”
“You are being used.” ~ NotSoSureBigWaves
“He’s being way too accommodating; there’s a huge difference between helping family and being taken advantage of.”
“If she can’t see how this affects his peace and boundaries, that’s a bigger issue than just house guests.” ~ AdventurousPu66
“The language spoken in his house strikes me as a big issue.”
“They are guests in his house, and they are speaking a language he can’t speak.”
“If they are at his house, they should speak the language he speaks so he is not left out in his own house.”
“OP, if your fiancée can’t or won’t see things from your perspective, it may be time to end the relationship.”
“If she lives in the house with you, that may mean eviction papers, so be prepared.”
“If she doesn’t live there, then change the locks.”
“It sounds like she doesn’t respect you, so it is time to move on.” ~ ProudCatLadyxo
“Also, if this is what she needs and it’s opposite of OP’s needs, they just may not be compatible.”
“And it may be something that breaks the relationship.” ~ kawaeri
“NTA. Your fiancée is showing you what married life will be like with her.”
“You really do marry into her family and she yours, and if this is a constant in her family’s lives, that won’t change when you get married.”
“Advice = sit your fiancée down and have a hard conversation.”
“Ask her if she thinks this is ok and if she thinks you have any say in whether her family stays or not.”
“Make clear that this is not fair to you as 50% of the relationship and renter/owner.”
“Tell her that this is not acceptable to you long term and that it is a hard line that you guys need to come to an agreement on BEFORE you get married, and not after.”
“I promise you this won’t go away with marriage.” ~ TheDarkHelmet1985
“100% This!”
“This is his life forever when he marries her.”
“He’s always going to be the highest earner in the entire family, and he’s going to be ground zero for this bullshit going forward.”
“It sounds exhausting.” ~ Suspicious_Juice717
“Agree!!!! Grew up dirt poor (from a long line of dirt-poor folks), and I made it out, so I’m the ‘rich’ one.”
“I drew lines super early because otherwise they would have sucked me into their blackhole of endless asks.”
“You need to have a clear conversation about how to balance, draw boundaries, and also be prepared to walk away.”
“There’s a reason few folks make it out of generational poverty.” ~ j1knra
“THIS. I get cultural differences, and this is exactly the biggest one, in my opinion: family.”
“Some cultures or religions view ‘family’ as a single organism vs some where families are just separate people, sometimes related by blood, sometimes not.”
“I can’t even fathom dealing with a dozen other people when dating a person; it blows my mind.”
“I absolutely agree that a conversation needs to be had, especially as you’re being almost railroaded.”
“I’m sure there are a great many people who view ALL family members as part of their immediate life and relationships, but you should be allowed to decide for yourself if that’s what YOU want, AND you shouldn’t be penalized for NOT having that view of ‘all family included.'”
“I’d honestly be horrified.”
“Kudos on your patience.” ~ Candid_Jellyfish_240
“Honestly, I wouldn’t frame it that way, because the only thing that will happen is that her family will leave and wait until they are married, and once they are, they will all come back.”
“OP, your fiancée HAS already shown you what your married life will be like.”
“Even if you do have a talk with her, her attitude will not change fundamentally.”
“She might adapt a little, but she has shown you already that she does not understand your perspective and will always put family first – her family, not you.”
“This is who she is, take it or leave it.” ~ LittleMsWhoops
“NTA… kick them out and maybe her too.”
“2 weeks is the soft cut off, 3 months is the hard one.”
“If you’re on 4 months, something is fundamentally wrong, and either they start paying rent, and you work something out, or they leave.” ~ Dagger_Dig
“NTA. Key Point: FIANCÉE.”
“This isn’t her house. Period.”
“My husband is bilingual, and his family speaks some English.”
“When they come to visit, they treat me with respect, and we all do our best to be respectful.”
“What they do NOT do is treat my house like an Airbnb.”
“I get the cultural differences, but it’s YOUR house, and you need to hash out these details about guests.”
“It’s not ok for you to be an outsider in your own home.” ~ Suspicious_Juice717
“This is the comment I was looking for.”
“It’s one thing to date someone who allows for a better life.”
“Is it fair that they got it? Well, no.”
“But that doesn’t make it okay for theirs to be yours by default.”
“You married them, and it’s allowed you to have better things.”
“It’s another to abuse it and move your family in and speak a different language around them in their home when they’re already confused and unhappy with the situation.” ~ Elismom1313
“Luckily, you have realised a major cultural (nationality and financial) difference with your fiancée before you were married.’
“You obviously love her very much, but this is not a problem to be ‘solved.'”
“She will always want to give to her family, and you will always feel resentful and used.”
“I make no judgment on either position.”
“It’s just your nature.”
“If you manage to curb her generosity, she will be resentful instead.”
“My grandparents were like you two: she was the orphan who longed to be Madam Bountiful, her husband the one who fretted that he was being taken advantage of.”
“After four children, multiple affairs on both sides, and years of misery and anger, they finally divorced.”
“Think very carefully about this marriage.” ~ Iloveelizabethstrout
“My family is Hispanic, and I’ve always heard the whole family first, share the wealth, blah blah blah BS.”
“Look, I’ve always been a single mom who didn’t receive help from any of those family members.”
“So why the heck would I allow them into my space when they didn’t help me get it?”
“OP, you’re clearly NTA, but she is taking advantage of your kindness.”
“Either she puts a stop to this ridiculousness, or you put her and the family out.”
“Your choice.” ~ ConfidentHighlight18
“Glad you opened your eyes before marriage.”
“The family thinks that since you have extra rooms, they will just live with you.”
“It’s a culture thing.”
“They aren’t gonna move out, and your girlfriend is to blame.”
“The only way to free yourself from this entanglement is to dump your girlfriend and evict the family.”
“Otherwise you will be supporting whoever she can pack into your house.🤬🤬.” ~ NegotiationOk4649
“RUN!!! Fast and far!”
“This will only get worse.” ~ Secret-Alfalfa-5411
Reddit is with you, OP.
This is YOUR home.
It’s time to clean house.
And you may want to re-evaluate this relationship.
Imagine where this behavior will lead once y’all have kids?
Good Luck.