As important as it might be for couples to publicly declare their love and commitment to one another in the form of a wedding ceremony and reception, a larger wedding isn't necessarily better.
In fact, if the couple cannot afford the big wedding, they'd be better off with a smaller celebration to avoid bringing debt and drama into the early days of their new life together, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Several-Spot-1010 knew that their brother wasn't in the best financial position to pay for the various features of his wedding, so they decided to help by covering the cost of the wedding photographer.
But when their brother didn't seat them with family for the wedding, the Original Poster (OP) didn't feel comfortable covering such an extravagant cost anymore.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by refusing to pay for my brother's wedding photographer after he changed the deal?"
The OP offered to help their brother with wedding expenses.
"My older brother was in a bit of a financial crunch and asked me for help with his wedding."
"Sure, I said, I’d cover the photographer, one of the priciest parts, on the condition that I could bring a guest along. Seemed fair, right?"
But then the OP's brother didn't seat them with family for the wedding.
"Then, just a few weeks before the big day, he drops a bombshell. Turns out, I’d be sitting at a separate table with some relatives, while the closer family would enjoy the main tables."
"I mean, seriously? I reminded him that I was helping with costs, and maybe we could chat about this seating arrangement?"
"His response? He claimed I was being entitled and that just because I was chipping in didn’t mean I deserved VIP status."
"That stung. I told him I’d still go, but honestly, I wasn’t comfortable footing the bill for the photographer if I wasn’t even family enough to sit with everyone else."
"He flipped out, saying I was trying to wreck his wedding over a chair."
"I know it sounds like it’s just a chair, but that’s not really what bothered me. It was the fact that the agreement changed after I had already committed to paying. I definitely don’t want to wreck his wedding over it, though."
The family lashed out at the OP for backing out of covering the photographer.
"Now, my parents are on his side, insisting I go ahead and pay since the photographer’s already booked, and changing things now could complicate everything."
"I feel awful; I don't want to stir the pot right before his wedding, but at the same time, I can’t shake the feeling that the terms shifted after I already put my money on the line."
"I kept worrying that refusing to pay would somehow make me the one ruining the wedding, when he’s the one who changed the situation after I committed."
"The not family enough part is what really got to me, especially coming from my own brother. Being called entitled when I tried to explain why that hurt made it worse. I’m definitely reconsidering how much I’m willing to do for him in the future."
The OP felt conflicted about what to do.
"I’m definitely going to talk to him before making a final decision."
"So, am I the jerk for backing out on paying for the photographer?"
"And I actually haven’t decided on a separate gift yet. Paying for the photographer was already a pretty significant contribution, so I was planning to consider that my gift. After everything that happened, I’m definitely glad I didn’t go overboard with anything else."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some pointed out that the brother was wrecking his wedding over a chair, not the OP.
"NOR. HE'S willing to wreck his wedding over a chair, not you."
"NOR. The lion, the witch, and the audacity of that little..." - Hour_Experience9461
"You didn't wreck his wedding. He chose expenses HE, nor his FIANCÉE, nor could either set of PARENTS, could afford."
"He went down the line, and you accepted."
"Not family ENOUGH?? Excuse me... did he come from a different mother?" - GardenSafe8519
"NOR. You should be sitting at the family table regardless, but you are family!! The fact that you are contributing is a side factor for me. I’d be mad even if I wasn’t paying. It’s just weird, to be honest." - nelly8410
"NOR. Siblings are part of the immediate or main family. If he thinks you are family enough to help him pay, then you should be family enough to sit with the main family."
"He is changing how he sees you. If you ask me, he is acting entitled to your money. Instead of acting like your family, he is using you." - Inner_Swordfish7475
"OP, NOR. He doesn't think you are family enough to sit at the family table? Then he needs to ask HIS family to pay for him because you will not give a gift that is so generous for a relative that considers you barely important enough to be there."
"These people get max $100 per person from our group, and that's it."
"If you are really petty, sit on the table he wanted you to sit at, and tell everyone, 'No, it's no fault; I was not planned to sit at the family table, because he thinks I am not enough family to sit at his table, even if he wanted me to pay for XYZ...'" - Significant_Taro_690
"Jesus, it’s your effing sibling; you literally share more DNA with him than anyone else in the world (except other siblings)."
"How much closer can you get?! Even if you’re not emotionally close, it’s just very, very bizarre."
"My cousins (brothers) aren’t close; the younger one is closer with my sister and me; they still had each other as groomsmen at their weddings."
"As everyone else said, you’re not making a scene; he is."
"Just because he’s the quiet one doesn’t mean he didn’t shake up the rug and everything on it! These entitled jerks rely on others staying silent, and so it’s very handy when people rightly complain; they can cry poor treatment and make out that you’re 'dying on this hill' as though that’s a purely one-sided arrangement. Yeah, I am dying here and clearly so are you!" - Particular-Weird2363
Others pointed out that the family members who felt entitled to an opinion could pay for the photographer instead.
"Your parents can pay. Easy solution so the stupid wedding isn’t ruined."
"And if your brother can’t afford a photographer for his own wedding, he can’t afford to get married." - Puzzled-Safe4801
"NOR. Whoever is family enough to sit at that special family table could also pay."
"Your brother is being ridiculous, and anyone agreeing with him is also being ridiculous."
"Is he the golden child?" - FewReplacement9531
"Gawd, you already had to bargain to get to bring a plus-one. So now they expect to shuffle you and your plus one off with the distant cousins. You have every right to be peeved at this."
"Tell your ignorant family that you are not upset over a 'chair.' You're upset over finding out that your own brother doesn't think you are any more important than the distant family that didn't do squat for the wedding."
"NOR! If you're going to be treated like the distant family, then you shouldn't do any more than the distant family is doing." - Garden_Lady2
"The agreement changed, which is not fair, but why not sit you with the immediate family? You are immediate family and contributing to his wedding."
"I mean, if they can't afford the photographer, maybe they should make their wedding a little smaller and pay for it themselves!" - Potential-Piano256
"There is an upside to you paying for the photographer… but that’s my petty brain talking out loud."
"He’s trying to diminish your place in the family by moving you to a table away from your family. Sadly, people pull this a lot at weddings."
"Your only two decisions are: to play the game or to be petty, and both are completely acceptable."
"But if you play the game, make sure the photographer knows that you’re in charge regarding any decisions with the photos… like about ten of trees/foliage and 14 of the cake, for no reason other than to assert YOUR authority… It's also petty as f**k, but he deserves it!"
"Please please PLEASE update us with all the wedding details, as we all know that there will be drama! Good luck, OP!" - NoYouth9831
"If he really can't afford a photographer, there are other options. We made a Google Drive album and created a QR code so everyone could upload all the pictures they took of our wedding. I LOVE our photo collection." - mara-jayne
"Just provide crayons and drawing paper on every table. The guests can draw memorable moments of the wedding." - DukeOfEarl99
The subReddit totally understood why the OP was upset and understood why they wouldn't want to cover the cost of a photographer when they apparently weren't "close enough" to sit with the rest of the immediate family.
If the issue was the OP having a plus-one, since that had to be negotiated, then their brother or the bride needed to be upfront about that. If the groom was really only interested in speaking to their sibling to get them to pay for the photographer, then he needed to be honest about that, too, and admit that he was the one ruining the wedding over a chair, not the OP.
