As important as it might be for couples to publicly declare their love and commitment to one another in the form of a wedding ceremony and reception, a larger wedding isn't necessarily better.
In fact, if the couple cannot afford the big wedding, they'd be better off with a smaller celebration to avoid bringing debt and drama into the early days of their new life together, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Several-Spot-1010 knew that their brother wasn't in the best financial position to pay for the various features of his wedding, so they decided to help by covering the cost of the wedding photographer.
But when their brother didn't seat them with family for the wedding, the Original Poster (OP) didn't feel comfortable covering such an extravagant cost anymore.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by refusing to pay for my brother's wedding photographer after he changed the deal?"
The OP offered to help their brother with wedding expenses.
"My older brother was in a bit of a financial crunch and asked me for help with his wedding."
"Sure, I said, I’d cover the photographer, one of the priciest parts, on the condition that I could bring a guest along. Seemed fair, right?"
But then the OP's brother didn't seat them with family for the wedding.
"Then, just a few weeks before the big day, he drops a bombshell. Turns out, I’d be sitting at a separate table with some relatives, while the closer family would enjoy the main tables."
"I mean, seriously? I reminded him that I was helping with costs, and maybe we could chat about this seating arrangement?"
"His response? He claimed I was being entitled and that just because I was chipping in didn’t mean I deserved VIP status."
"That stung. I told him I’d still go, but honestly, I wasn’t comfortable footing the bill for the photographer if I wasn’t even family enough to sit with everyone else."
"He flipped out, saying I was trying to wreck his wedding over a chair."
"I know it sounds like it’s just a chair, but that’s not really what bothered me. It was the fact that the agreement changed after I had already committed to paying. I definitely don’t want to wreck his wedding over it, though."
The family lashed out at the OP for backing out of covering the photographer.
"Now, my parents are on his side, insisting I go ahead and pay since the photographer’s already booked, and changing things now could complicate everything."
"I feel awful; I don't want to stir the pot right before his wedding, but at the same time, I can’t shake the feeling that the terms shifted after I already put my money on the line."
"I kept worrying that refusing to pay would somehow make me the one ruining the wedding, when he’s the one who changed the situation after I committed."
"The not family enough part is what really got to me, especially coming from my own brother. Being called entitled when I tried to explain why that hurt made it worse. I’m definitely reconsidering how much I’m willing to do for him in the future."
The OP felt conflicted about what to do.
"I’m definitely going to talk to him before making a final decision."
"So, am I the jerk for backing out on paying for the photographer?"
"And I actually haven’t decided on a separate gift yet. Paying for the photographer was already a pretty significant contribution, so I was planning to consider that my gift. After everything that happened, I’m definitely glad I didn’t go overboard with anything else."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some pointed out that the brother was wrecking his wedding over a chair, not the OP.
"NOR. HE'S willing to wreck his wedding over a chair, not you."
"NOR. The lion, the witch, and the audacity of that little..." - Hour_Experience9461
"You didn't wreck his wedding. He chose expenses HE, nor his FIANCÉE, nor could either set of PARENTS, could afford."
"He went down the line, and you accepted."
"Not family ENOUGH?? Excuse me... did he come from a different mother?" - GardenSafe8519
"NOR. You should be sitting at the family table regardless, but you are family!! The fact that you are contributing is a side factor for me. I’d be mad even if I wasn’t paying. It’s just weird, to be honest." - nelly8410
"NOR. Siblings are part of the immediate or main family. If he thinks you are family enough to help him pay, then you should be family enough to sit with the main family."
"He is changing how he sees you. If you ask me, he is acting entitled to your money. Instead of acting like your family, he is using you." - Inner_Swordfish7475
"OP, NOR. He doesn't think you are family enough to sit at the family table? Then he needs to ask HIS family to pay for him because you will not give a gift that is so generous for a relative that considers you barely important enough to be there."
"These people get max $100 per person from our group, and that's it."
"If you are really petty, sit on the table he wanted you to sit at, and tell everyone, 'No, it's no fault; I was not planned to sit at the family table, because he thinks I am not enough family to sit at his table, even if he wanted me to pay for XYZ...'" - Significant_Taro_690
"Jesus, it’s your effing sibling; you literally share more DNA with him than anyone else in the world (except other siblings)."
"How much closer can you get?! Even if you’re not emotionally close, it’s just very, very bizarre."
"My cousins (brothers) aren’t close; the younger one is closer with my sister and me; they still had each other as groomsmen at their weddings."
"As everyone else said, you’re not making a scene; he is."
"Just because he’s the quiet one doesn’t mean he didn’t shake up the rug and everything on it! These entitled jerks rely on others staying silent, and so it’s very handy when people rightly complain; they can cry poor treatment and make out that you’re 'dying on this hill' as though that’s a purely one-sided arrangement. Yeah, I am dying here and clearly so are you!" - Particular-Weird2363
Others pointed out that the family members who felt entitled to an opinion could pay for the photographer instead.
"Your parents can pay. Easy solution so the stupid wedding isn’t ruined."
"And if your brother can’t afford a photographer for his own wedding, he can’t afford to get married." - Puzzled-Safe4801
"NOR. Whoever is family enough to sit at that special family table could also pay."
"Your brother is being ridiculous, and anyone agreeing with him is also being ridiculous."
"Is he the golden child?" - FewReplacement9531
"Gawd, you already had to bargain to get to bring a plus-one. So now they expect to shuffle you and your plus one off with the distant cousins. You have every right to be peeved at this."
"Tell your ignorant family that you are not upset over a 'chair.' You're upset over finding out that your own brother doesn't think you are any more important than the distant family that didn't do squat for the wedding."
"NOR! If you're going to be treated like the distant family, then you shouldn't do any more than the distant family is doing." - Garden_Lady2
"The agreement changed, which is not fair, but why not sit you with the immediate family? You are immediate family and contributing to his wedding."
"I mean, if they can't afford the photographer, maybe they should make their wedding a little smaller and pay for it themselves!" - Potential-Piano256
"There is an upside to you paying for the photographer… but that’s my petty brain talking out loud."
"He’s trying to diminish your place in the family by moving you to a table away from your family. Sadly, people pull this a lot at weddings."
"Your only two decisions are: to play the game or to be petty, and both are completely acceptable."
"But if you play the game, make sure the photographer knows that you’re in charge regarding any decisions with the photos… like about ten of trees/foliage and 14 of the cake, for no reason other than to assert YOUR authority… It's also petty as f**k, but he deserves it!"
"Please please PLEASE update us with all the wedding details, as we all know that there will be drama! Good luck, OP!" - NoYouth9831
"If he really can't afford a photographer, there are other options. We made a Google Drive album and created a QR code so everyone could upload all the pictures they took of our wedding. I LOVE our photo collection." - mara-jayne
"Just provide crayons and drawing paper on every table. The guests can draw memorable moments of the wedding." - DukeOfEarl99
The subReddit totally understood why the OP was upset and understood why they wouldn't want to cover the cost of a photographer when they apparently weren't "close enough" to sit with the rest of the immediate family.
If the issue was the OP having a plus-one, since that had to be negotiated, then their brother or the bride needed to be upfront about that. If the groom was really only interested in speaking to their sibling to get them to pay for the photographer, then he needed to be honest about that, too, and admit that he was the one ruining the wedding over a chair, not the OP.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp