Family obligations are something most people have internalized from childhood. People are taught that family comes before everything, even their own needs and well-being.
But society as a whole has started pushing back against that narrative. People are being encouraged to distance themselves from unhealthy relationships, even if they're with family members.
A Redditor turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after questioning if they owe their sister anything.
Oopsss92_ asked:
"AITA for refusing to help my sister move because she didn't invite me to her wedding?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My sister got married last year and didn't invite me to the wedding—said the guest list was too tight and she had to choose between extended family. I understood at the time, even though it hurt."
"Now she's asking if I can help her move across town next month, and I told her I'm not available. She's upset and saying I'm being petty and punishing her."
"My mom thinks I should help anyway because 'family helps family.' But honestly i feel like she made her choice about how important i am to her."
"Am i wrong for drawing this line?"
The OP later added:
"The problem is that I feel guilty about doing this. I even had to lie and make up an excuse just to tell her I couldn't help."
"The truth is, for the past few years I've felt like she's just been a negative influence in my life. I honestly think I'd be better off cutting her out completely."
"The only thing stopping me is that she's still my sister, and I know it would absolutely break my parents' hearts."
"To make things even worse, when I wasn't invited to her wedding, she didn't even tell our parents the truth. she told them i had a last minute commitment and couldn't make it instead of admitting that she simply chose not to invite me. That alone shows the kind of person she is."
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"How is a sister extended family? NTA. Tell her, 'I’m sure your wedding guests would love to help, as I didn’t make that cut, so I don’t know why I’d make the close enough to help you move cut."
"As others have said, you need to tell your parents the truth now. The fact is she’s made you look bad and made the parents think you ditched the wedding."
"Maybe your mum wouldn’t be so insistent if she knew the truth. As for feeling bad, why? Why do you feel bad refusing to help someone who didn’t even feel your relationship warranted a place at her wedding?" ~ Urbanyeti0
"Did you tell your parents the truth? I would say don't feel bad, but we can't help how we feel, but just accept that feeling knowing that you are the better person and that's why you feel bad about it, but she still doesn't deserve your help so don't. Go to a spa or something instead." ~ phoenixeternia
"I think sis is the favourite child and OP is the one that has to run around keeping the peace. Therefore mum will still be insistent. The 'family helps family' line is a giveaway - straight-out manipulation."
"OP could reply I'm only extended family - not family so that rules me out!" ~ blueflash775
"NTA. I don’t understand how she considered you “extended” family. More like expendable family. Your mom should know why you weren’t at the wedding.
"Time to stop being so understanding. Your mom thinks you are the problem instead of your sister. Bring reality to light."
"You don’t mention ages. I hope when your sister grows up she’ll realize what she’s done and will try to rebuild your relationship." ~ Technograndma
"Well, your sister has the absolute cheek to ask for help after not inviting you to her wedding. I think you ought to tell your parents the truth about not being invited to your sister’s wedding, or do they know?"
"If they know, then your mum is wrong saying ‘family helps’, as you were excluded. NTA. Feel no guilt about not helping her move." ~ Embarrassed-Shock621
"Hang on, so to your parents a last-minute commitment is a legit reason to not show up at a wedding, but it's not a legit reason to not help someone move?" ~ burf12345
"Every time you feel sorry for someone or feel guilty (for declining to help in this case) you’re setting yourself up to be manipulated into going against your logical judgment."
"Don’t let your feelings get manipulated. If anyone pushes the subject, just say Don’t be ridiculous, then change the subject or walk away." ~ Responsible-Side-118
"I hope you told your parents the truth! Also who was invited to the wedding? Did uncles/aunts/cousins make the cut, but you not? Do you have an idea how many guests there were overall?"
"I would only understand not inviting a sister if there were no guests at all and they eloped alone somewhere. But that was clearly not the case here."
"So you are definitely NTA. She can ask for help from someone else who she did bother to invite. Also, lying to your parents about why you were not at the wedding is another AH move." ~ opelan
"NTANo" is a complete sentence. You're under no obligation to explain why. But if you're capable of empathy, you still feel bad. So keep this in mind... You already told her you're unavailable."
"She didn't think you were important enough to rearrange her guest list to include you in her wedding, then she isn't important enough for you to rearrange your schedule to make yourself available." ~ rnick467
"NTA. Are you sure she’s not setting you up to fail intentionally so you look bad? Don’t ever answer her calls and make her put everything in writing so you have receipts for what she tells you vs what she tells everyone else."
"Tell your mother, 'Mom, unlike with her wedding where she intentionally did not invite me and then lied to you about a last-minute commitment, I actually do have plans and am not available to help her. She can call anyone else. I am not available."
"And then don’t ever be available to her. Don’t allow someone to walk all over you because you think having a backbone and a boundary means you don’t love them. She doesn’t respect you, and she doesn’t earn respect just because she’s related, and your parents will have to deal with the truth of her nature." ~ incospicuous_echoes
"You're not an AH, but you are a doormat. How are you going to feel bad about this when all blame lies with your sister? Tell your parents why you weren't at the wedding, and tell your sister why you're not helping her.
"You're going to feel much better once you take command rather than being so passive about the situation." ~ thatjerkatwork
"Grow a spine. Tell your parents the truth. That you weren't busy, just not invited, and thus you don't feel very inclined to help her at this time and will reduce contact with her." ~ murahimu
"Power through that guilt and still don’t help. You can address your guilt over something you are absolutely not responsible for later."
"For the sake of everyone now invested, don’t help her, stop engaging with her, and for the love of all, tell your parents you weren’t invited to the wedding!" ~ Inevitable-Champ336
"I hope you told your parents the truth about her wedding. You can always go low contact, seeing her only at events your parents organize, and otherwise have no direct contact."
"Your parents may be hurt by this, but that's for them to manage. If her presence in your life isn't positive, why worry about maintaining such a relationship?" ~ Sfb208
"You owe nothing to your parents or sister. She’s undermining you and lying to your parents about it. Prioritize your happiness and wellbeing—you can be she sure is doing the same, even at your expense."
"I am estranged from my older brother, and it’s best for both of us. I still love him, but he cannot be a part of my life. It’s better this way." ~ QuietDustt
"You feel guilty because you are a better person, better family member, and you value your family. But it doesn't mean you should let her walk all over you."
"NTA, let the wedding guests help her out. She made her choice about who she feels are closer 'family'." ~ BIMMERTECH2000
"What was your mother's excuse for your sister not inviting you to her wedding? Family helps snub family?" ~ Athingwithfeathers2
"NTA. You're close family now because she needs your services. She can ask the others more important to her than you are." ~ zacsred
"NTA - FAFO, she can ask one of the people she did invite if she feels closer to them than you." ~ Psychological-Sea824
While OP's sister wasn't obligated to invite them to her wedding, OP isn't obligated to help her move.
