It’s no secret that weddings are expensive to plan and to host, and everyone would appreciate the opportunity for someone else to fund their big day instead of having to go into debt to celebrate their love.
But when a committed person volunteers to fund a wedding, it stands to reason that their partner or spouse would be invited for the event, as well, argued the folks in the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit
Redditor ClaritaFairy was excited for their younger brother and future sister-in-law and was happy to help fund their wedding day, knowing that they were financially struggling.
But when they found out that their wife would not be invited for the big day, because the bride-to-be found her to be annoying, the Original Poster (OP) no longer felt comfortable funding a day that would snub their wife.
They asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to pay for my brother’s wedding after he didn’t invite my wife?”
The OP was happy to help their brother fund his upcoming special day.
“Last year, my younger brother, Jake, got engaged, and I was thrilled for him.”
“Knowing that Jake and his fiancée were struggling financially, I offered to cover their wedding expenses as my gift.”
“They were incredibly grateful, and we all looked forward to the celebration.”
But the OP was shocked when the happy couple did not include their wife in the plans.
“However, things took a sour turn last month when Jake revealed the guest list and my wife, Sarah, wasn’t on it.”
“When I asked him about the omission, Jake confessed that his fiancée finds Sarah overbearing and didn’t want her at the wedding to avoid any potential drama.”
“Sarah can be outspoken and has clashed with Jake’s fiancée in the past, but she’s always been supportive of their relationship.”
The OP felt like they were caught in the middle.
“I told Jake that it was an unfair decision and that, feeling stuck between my wife and my brother, I would not feel comfortable funding the wedding if Sarah wasn’t welcome.”
“Jake accused me of blackmailing him into inviting Sarah and said I was ruining what should be the happiest time of his life.”
“I feel torn because I want to support my brother, but I also believe my wife should be treated with respect.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that they were right to stand up for their wife instead of the wedding.
“Your brother and his fiancée are lunatics.”
“They’re like, ‘Thanks for the $20,000, but your wife can’t attend.'”
“OP: NTA Brother and fiancé: major AHs.” – OnlyOnTuesdays289
“If the wife is so bad you can’t invite her, then she’s too bad to accept a gigantic financial gift from.” – Last_Welcome5978
“NTA. Your brother has to learn that you don’t bite the hand that feeds you. He needs to let his fiancée know that she can’t expect someone to pay If they aren’t going to invite their spouse.” – me0mio
“Who has the audacity to do such a thing? That’s a bad start to extended family.”
“Family is family, some you like more than others. You don’t have to like your SIL but she is family. People are too precious about wedding ceremonies. It’s about legalizing a partnership with witnesses.”
“Brother’s fiancée is the one creating drama.” – SometimesKip
“And don’t bite the hand that feeds you.”
“They aren’t very bright if they thought it would go over well to not invite the wife of the person that was paying for the wedding.”
“Lesson learned for them, that your wife is your number one person and will always put her first.”
“OP, tell your brother, since his fiancee doesn’t want your wife there she can find one of her family members to pay for their wedding.” – Jsmith2127
“How could he not think by not inviting his brother’s wife who is paying for said wedding wouldn’t have consequences?”
“I’m truly baffled and confused as how that conversation went down between clueless, brother and entitled future sister-in-law, like, ‘Hey hon, I know your brother and his wife are paying for our wedding, but is it okay if we don’t invite her? I don’t think it’s a problem after all it’s OUR DAY And not about them.'”
“Talk about dumba**es.” – 20MLSE20
“Seriously? … who does this? Your brother thought it would be okay to not include your wife in the event you are paying for? Were y’all raised by piranhas?” – Alarming_Reply_6286
“When you are married, and offering to pay for something like a wedding, use ‘we’ and ‘us’: ‘We would like to pay for the wedding. It’s your gift from us.'”
“Exception possible for pre-nup marriages and if the amount is so small it can be paid out of the one spouse’s ‘fun money’ (if you do that).”
“They need a kick in the pants and to remember that you come as a pair, not ‘just’ as the OP.” – Available_Leather_10
“NTA. I wouldn’t pay it just based on the fact that you are paying for it and they felt bold enough to not invite your wife.”
“Usually when a person is married, funds are usually considered to be JOINT funds, so she no doubt had a day in paying for the wedding.”
“I’m sure you and her talked about paying for it together and it was a family decision to do so.”
“The fact that the family that is paying for it isn’t invited is crazy.”
“To insult BOTH people funding your wedding is a stupid move on Jake’s part. Kinda a ‘Don’t Bite The Hand That Feeds You’ type moment here.” – nunyabusiness904
“That’s his wife. The dude’s about to get his own wife too. Does he not understand that having a marriage is supporting your partner and not letting them be excluded for no good reason?” – penninsulaman713
Others felt that family members should stop offering to fund others’ weddings altogether.
“There’s a very important lesson to be learned here: don’t pay for your siblings’ weddings!”
“If he wanted to get married, he should have had a plan for how to pay for it.”
“The fact that he thought he could let you pay for the wedding but not invite your wife is wild. Who on earth would think that was acceptable? NTA.” – ShaHocks
“I wonder if his fiancee knows that it is his brother’s money making it the happiest day of his life, not the fact that he’s marrying her.” – Afinkawan
“Why are there so many Redditors paying for or being pressured to pay for their siblings’ weddings? In real life, everyone I’ve known has paid for their own weddings or gotten help from their parents. These arrangements only seem to be causing trouble for these Redditors.” – ihavesensitiveknees
“If you can’t afford your own wedding, you don’t deserve it. Keep the love going, and save up for the event.” – HBMart
“I will never understand these posts where people expect their siblings to pay for their wedding because they’re more financially stable.”
“And, I have to add that the financially stable siblings should stop offering to cover the costs at the mention of a wedding if the payment is conditional. While I 100% agree with this OP’s actions, OP should never have said he’d cover all the costs initially.” – Live_Western_1389
“People just need to stop saying they are going to pay for someone else’s wedding! If you can’t afford to pay for it on your own. Wait and SAVE!”
“NTA.” – Full-Friendship-7581
“As the financier, you have the final say on a lot of matters. No wife? No money. And next time, don’t offer to pay. NTA.” – PatentilyRidiculous
“NTA. This is a complete overt slap at your wife. I get that your brother and his wife might have some issues with Sarah, but half that money you are using to fund their wedding is HERS and to accept your money and exclude her is totally unacceptable. You are right to stand with your wife on this matter.”
“I want to add that you are seeing how your future SIL will behave in your family. Unless Sarah has done something really bad to your future SIL to justify excluding her, this is not how a family should function, and I predict future issues along the same line.”
“Future SIL should realize she is joining a family and starting out this way towards an existing family without very good cause will mean unpleasant times ahead for you all. Secure your seatbelt for the future exclusions as this is just a first attempt. I don’t adore all my family members, but I do respect that they are family too and work to be kind and inclusive of all.” – Realistic_Headcase4279
The subReddit struggled to understand the level of mental gymnastics and audacity the happy couple had to achieve in order to justify this arrangement in their minds.
Somehow, they had decided that a married couple would not discuss such a major financial expense, and that there was no possibility that they would fund it together.
But also, even if their expenses were entirely separate, it would be perfectly normal for a person to want to bring their life partner to a major life event like, say, their brother’s wedding.
Maybe someone would get the happy couple some Common Sense and Courtesy as wedding gifts.