A wedding guest list can be a catalyst for major life drama.
It's never intended to be, but often it leaves more hurt feelings than joyous ones.
A lot of people are saddened when they learn that they are NOT on the RSVP list.
Now a lot of people make assumptions and that is understandable.
But some omissions can be shocking.
Redditor Ecstatic_General3710 wanted to discuss his experience and get feedback, so he naturally joined the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for refusing to help my sister pay for her wedding after she didn't invite my wife?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So here we go, I (30 M[ale]) have been married to my wife (28 F[emale]) for three years, together for seven."
"My sister (33 F) is getting married this summer."
"We've always had a rocky relationship, but I thought we were in a better place recently but a few weeks ago, she sent out wedding invites that caused an issue."
"I got one addressed only to me no mention of my wife."
"At first, I thought it was a mistake, but when I asked her about it, she said, 'I just want a small wedding with people I'm close to.'"
"'I don't really know your wife that well, and I want to feel comfortable at my own wedding.' and I was stunned."
"My wife has attended every family gathering for the past six years, helped my sister with errands when she was sick, and even watched her dog when she went out of town."
"It's not like they're strangers."
"I told my sister I wouldn't come unless my wife was invited."
"She got upset and accused me of being dramatic and trying to 'make her day about me then a few days later, she called and asked if I'd still be contributing the $5,000 I'd promised last year to help with her wedding, and I said a big NO.'"
"Now the whole family is blowing up my phone, saying I'm punishing her over a guest list and ruining her wedding financially."
"My parents think I'm being petty, and my aunt said, 'She's your sister.'"
"Weddings aren't about fairness."
"Even my cousin messaged me saying I'm being weirdly controlling."
"I don't think I'm being petty."
"I just don't see why I should pay for a wedding that my wife, my life partner, isn't even allowed to attend."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITAH here?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the a**hole.
"NTA. Sounds like your sister resents your wife for some reason and wants to isolate her."
"Big up for standing with her." ~ Putrid-Pepper-6810
"Actually, it sounds like your sister is the golden child in the family, and everyone bends over backward to keep her satisfied."
"Get on social media and tell them the money was actually coming from your wife's account, and now that she knows how the family sees her, she won't be contributing to any of them for anything."
"And asking her to come now won't work either because she has decided to take HER MONEY and take you on a getaway."
"Your sister played a stupid game." ~ Ok_Resource_8530
"NTA. It's incredibly disrespectful to invite someone to a wedding and not include their spouse in the invitation."
"Especially a sibling's spouse."
"I could understand if your sister and wife had a falling out at some point."
"But if she is inviting you, your wife should also be invited regardless of how small the wedding is."
"And she has some f****** audacity to still expect a financial contribution to the wedding from you after disrespecting your wife and marriage." ~ GingerWhoDrinksTea
"NTA. Inviting partners to weddings is standard practice, especially your sibling's wife."
"Your family is manipulative, trying to pressure you so much to finance the wedding."
"So, unless your wife is attending, don't finance it."
"I feel like, had your family had the choice, they'd easily choose you to finance the wedding over you attending it; I feel like your money is worth more than your presence, sadly."
"My justification is your refusing to come without your wife caused a smaller reaction than your refusing to contribute to it." ~ Temporary-Celery-897
"NTA by far."
"Tell your sister that the 5k was from your wife and you, as she's not invited she doesn't feel like contributing anymore."
"And to your family member entitled to your money: 'thank you for your contribution, I'll let my sister know immediately you'll step up to cover a part or all the 5k my wife and I were supposed to cover. Thanks again.'"
"Then watch them crumble." ~ Gullible_Bar_7019
"NTA. If sis can't accept your wife as part of the family, then she shouldn't be accepting any money either."
"Honestly, even if she changed her mind and invited your wife, I would think long and hard about still giving the money to your sister."
"What a shi**y situation." ~ Back-to-HAT
"My answer to everyone calling you petty or controlling would be that the 5000$ is a marital asset and comes from your mutual income as a married couple."
"And you cannot expect your wife to cover for a wedding that she isn't even invited to. NTA." ~ Every_Criticism2012
"NTA. If she can't respect your marriage, why would you celebrate and finance hers?"
"It's her and her partner's big day, and they can invite whoever they want, but that doesn't mean their choices won't have consequences." ~ ExquisiteGerbil
"NTA... ummm... does your whole family not like your wife since they seem pretty keen on the idea that she's not invited."
"Might want to wonder about that, too."
"Guess the sister isn't getting any more favors done for her by your wife."
"Nice way to find out she doesn't like her, much less respect her."
"Hope your wife is ok."
"This must hurt." ~ luvinbks
"NTA. If someone is paying for your wedding or married to the person paying for your wedding, they get an invite."
"That's common sense." ~ MotherofCats9258
"The irony that she's getting married while disrespecting marriage itself is too much."
"You have handled this beautifully and perfectly, showing everyone what a standup husband looks like. NTA." ~ evermorekid
"NTA. Ask your sister how she'd feel if her husband gave someone $5,000 of their money to someone for a party she wasn't invited to attend."
"My guess is your wife is prettier, kinder, smarter, better than your sister is and she's insecure and jealous." ~ susiecapo71
"NTA - ditch your family." ~ Disastrous_Photo_388
"NTA. She can invite anyone she wants, but along with that comes responsibility for the consequences."
"The $5k you promised to contribute was from your marital funds and was, therefore, to be from both you and your wife."
"If you're not both invited, then it's logical that you wouldn't contribute." ~ tiggergirluk76
"NTA. The audacity!!!"
"Even if she backed down and finally invited your wife, she would only do that to get the $5000."
"She ruined her own wedding financially by deciding to have a wedding where everyone else chips in."
"And if you're parents are siding with her because of the money and not actually considering the fact that your wife isn't invited and not making her feel part of the family, they're part of the problem too I'm afraid."
"Don't give her the money."
"But please do give us an update!" ~ Radiant_Switch2436
"NTA. I'll say the same thing I always say on these types of posts."
"Being expected to exclude your spouse while attending an event to celebrate someone else and their spouse is ridiculous."
"If they don't care about your partner, why should you care about theirs?"
"My spouse and I are a package deal when it comes to family events."
"If they aren't welcome, then neither am I!" ~ Strange_Jackfruit_89
"NTA."
"If your sister wants a small wedding, she should cut the guest list AND the budget... by $5000!!"
"Preposterous! Your whole family is being unreasonable about this, too."
"Maybe remind them that the $5000 is also your wife's money."
"Why should she contribute to a wedding she's not invited to?!" ~ DifferenceBusiness66
"I would be careful with this."
"Ensure she and the rest of your family know it's still your decision not to donate."
"You don't want to isolate your wife even further than what your sister is trying to do."
"I would say, 'I've made the decision not to donate this money to you because it is my wife's money as well.'"
"'She even gave the OK to help financially because she is amazing, but I did not think it was fair that she would be paying so much for an event that she would not even be attending.'"
"That way, you are not villainizing and alienating your wife to the rest of your family."
"This is still your decision, not hers, so be cautious with the wording to protect her further since she is likely feeling a bit vulnerable right now, I can imagine." ~ MitchenImpossible
"NTA and being married that 5k is also your wife's, soooo..." ~ Artistic_Musician_78
"This is exactly what I was going to respond with. "
"The OP has been married for 3 years."
"The wife isn't someone the family doesn't know."
"AND, correct me if I am wrong, but isn't the OP's wife his family???"
"Sorry, the sass is strong for this post."
"I would consider sending a mass text to everyone who reached out and explain that the $5000 that was promised was from BOTH of you."
"Since the wife isn't invited, the money isn't available."
"And then book a fabulous trip for the two of you." ~ chippersgirl1129
"Exactly. I'd be saying that to my sister if I was him."
"It's her money as well, if you can't be decent to her, don't expect her to pay for anything for you."
"Easiest NTA in a while." ~ Ditzykat105
"The audacity right, she's not invited to a party they want her to pay for?! Lol." ~ Artistic_Musician_78
Reddit understands and supports your feelings and actions, OP.
This is outrageous behavior.
It would be understandable if this was a new relationship you had just entered, but your wife has been around for seven years.
It's surprising she's not in the wedding party, let alone not invited to the wedding itself.
Don't feel bad to stand your ground.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp