Weddings are expensive in some countries because the market will charge what the consumer allows. Watch one of those wedding dress shows set in the United States and what set in the United Kingdom and you'll see a massive difference in how much the gowns cost.
Because American consumers will pay thousands of dollars for a wedding dress, the gowns cost thousands.
Because consumers in the U.K. balk at a couple hundred pounds for a dress, they rarely cost more than that. Even with the exchange from pounds to U.S. dollars, brides in the U.K. are paying a lot less for dresses on average.
But a wedding, even in the United States, can still be done on a budget. But most American couples choose not to, making the wedding business worth billions and putting lots of families in longterm debt for a one day event.
A sister who's put the brakes on her wedding loans turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Miserable_Elk_139 asked:
"AITA for telling my sister I won't be her maid of honor unless she pays me back the $2,000 she still owes me?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My sister asked me to be her maid of honor a few months ago and I said yes."
"Since then, wedding costs have been piling up, bachelorette trip, dress, alterations, shoes, and I've been covering a lot of it up front because 'I'll pay you back after payday' kept getting pushed."
"Yeah, her dress alterations, not mine. That's honestly part of why this stung more than it probably should have. I was already out money for my own bridesmaid dress and travel before her alterations bill even hit."
"It's now at $2,000 and every time I bring it up she says I'm 'ruining the wedding vibe' by talking about money."
"Last week I told her I'd still love to be there for her, but I can't keep taking on the maid of honor duties (planning the shower, more expenses coming) until she pays me back at least some of it."
"She's now telling family I'm punishing her on her wedding year and threatening to demote me to 'just a bridesmaid.' Some relatives think I should've waited until after the wedding to bring up money."
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA)
"What, and I can't emphasize this enough, the F*CK is a 'wedding year'‽‽ That's not a thing. B*tch gets a wedding DAY. And it doesn't mean she gets to be an entitled tw*t that day either. NTA."
"I'd tell her to demote me to guest, and good luck with the rest of her wedding planning. She's bashing you to the family for asking her to uphold her promises to pay you back? Nope, I'd be out and telling the universe your sister is a liar and a user who doesn't keep promises."
"That being said, going forward, never, ever loan anyone anything you aren’t comfortable never getting back. People can promise to return things or to repay money, but you never know if they really will. And there's little you can do to make them.
"So don't loan it unless you're OK with never getting it back. Learn the art of saying no and sticking to it." ~ MohawMais
"NTA. Next time she says she will demote you accept and say I think that’s a good idea. Then stop spending money—she needs to front it."
"If you want to be slightly more diplomatic, tell her you’ve maxed out your credit card now and can’t cover any more costs. You don’t want to keep making her uncomfortable so this is the last time you will bring it up, but wanted her to know she she needs to arrange to cover all costs moving forward."
"You’re not getting that money back and should be prepared for her to throw a tantrum now. Keep all screenshots etc as evidence that she agreed to pay you back. Do that ASAP. Be prepared this may be an expensive lesson for you." ~ commentspanda
"THIS! Save the screenshots today, before any more escalation. Wedding money that got called a loan usually gets rewritten as a gift once the tension rises, and 'I thought you were doing that for me' becomes the story to anyone who'll listen. Paper trail exists = your version stays defensible." ~ StopLossCollectorn1
"Immediately stop paying any more money for anything. If there are trips, dress shopping, etc... don't spend a dime. You're not getting the money back."
"If she brings up 'demoting you' tell her fine, your budget can't afford any more cash outlays. The relatives on her side can pony up cash for her."
"If you don't want to cause a scene before the wedding, just give her a card. If she asks later about a gift, tell her the $2,000 was already your very generous gift."
"Plus, a wedding year? Please... The entitlement is strong in this one." ~ Golfnut2304
"NTA—she’s not ever planning on paying you back. Ask any family who’s complaining to put their money where their mouth is and cover the expenses or pay you back on her behalf." ~ Scary_Marzipan
"Sadly, this is likely to be the case."
"What the heck is a 'wedding year'? How does it ruin the vibe to ask someone to honour their commitment to pay you back?"
"The sooner you demote yourself right out of the wedding party and tell her that the money spent to date is her wedding gift (you’re never getting it back anyway) the better off you’ll be." ~ HeyDoggyBoy
"The 'wedding year' is something devised by silly and entitled people to make everything all about them for the year preceding their wedding. The rest of us are supposed to stop our lives to bask in their nuptial glow. NTA." ~ FloridaManTPA
"You're right to bring it up because costs can spiral out of control for members of the wedding party and $2000 isn't like skipping on $50. The threat to demote you is unnecessarily petty." ~ Odd-Elderberry-6137
"NTA. The relatives can offer themselves up as tribute to the wedding year and foot the bill then, including paying you back." ~ istnichtmeinname
"Ask those relatives if they're willing to pay you back and than collect from your sister after the wedding if they are so concerned about not bothering her for money. NTA." ~ Svihelen
"NTA. 'Wedding vibes' don't pay credit card bills. If she can guilt-trip you but can't repay $2k, that's the real issue. Being maid of honor isn't supposed to mean becoming the wedding's interest-free bank." ~ SmoothSpell7918
"Her 'wedding year'? Punishing her, for wanting to be able to pay rent comfortably? Tell her to check herself, because with that attitude, she's just begging for a 'Newly Single!' party next. ~ BungleBums
"NTA. She’s not planning to pay you back. If you spend more she’ll take that too. ~ Perle1234
"Ma’am your sister is taking advantage of you and living above her means. Why should YOU pay for HER dress alterations? That’s not right. She is the one getting married. ~ Rinweezy
"Paying for wedding dress alterations is not a maid-of-honor (MOH) responsibility, I agree she is taking advantage. In fact, fronting any costs is not really a MOH responsibility."
"As MOH you pay for things you are responsible for covering, and maybe organizing Venmo exchanges among the bridesmaids if something is getting split, it doesn’t make you an ATM for the bride." ~ 75PercentMilk
"Honestly it feels to me like she expects what you have done for her already as a gift. Getting the money back from her will be hard and annoying."
"Is she still expecting a wedding gift from you? Maybe also a bridal shower gift? It reduces the conflict and stress before the wedding for both you and her."
"And if your sister is not an even bigger a**hole than she already is, she will accept those $2k as a wedding/shower gift and won't be angry that she doesn't get anything else from you." ~ opelan
"NTA. I don't think you are her maid of honor, only the bank of honor for her bachelorette and bridal party needs.You deserve to be treated better; it's best to step aside and let someone else enjoy that role. I'd also be getting my money back for the trip if it is booked, but has not happened yet." ~ Wise-Bother9942
"She does not want to pay you back, and she will always say 'you ruined my [insert current] vibe'. You should diplomatically and factually inform all your close relatives and common friends about this situation before she tells them 'her truth' and makes you the bad guy for asking for your own money."
"And for the future: consider all money you give to relatives as a gift - otherwise sign contracts." ~ Gunther_is_coming
"You’re NTA it’s a day not an effing year. She doesn’t get a year. And I’m also petty. Tell the family who thinks you should wait to give you the money then they can hound your sister for it back."
"They will shut up real quick."
"Do you have proof that your sister said she would pay you back? Even a text message? If you do and live in the US (I don’t know about other countries), that is typically enough to take to small claims court, and the court to side with you."
"Also, depending on the state, you can include the cost of the filing for small claims court and recover that from her as well. I’m also petty, I wouldn’t even go to the wedding." ~ Animalea
OP needs to stop being her systems ATM. Whether that also means not being her maid-of-honor is up to her sister.
