When we meet the person we want to spend the rest of our lives with, most of us would love for our parents to accept our significant other, and for the two families to come together as one.
But sometimes that doesn't happen, though the issue may not be immediately obvious, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Disastrous_Class_561 was grateful to his parents for helping pay for his wedding when his wife's family didn't have the financial means to pay for the bride's wedding.
But when he realized how much they were paying for his sister's wedding, and heard their reasons why, the Original Poster (OP) realized his wife's harbored fears about his family not liking her may have not been for nothing after all.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for calling my parents out on how much they paid for my sister's wedding?"
The OP and his wife were grateful to his parents for helping pay for their wedding.
"This happened six months ago, but I am legitimately curious to see if I am the AH."
"I (36 Male) got married six years ago to my wife. My wife's family is not well-off like mine."
"When we announced our engagement, my parents gifted us 20 thousand dollars out of the blue for the wedding."
"We were shocked and so thankful. The money paid for my wife's dress, my/her siblings' wedding party outfits and makeup, and the venue/food."
"We managed to have a small, beautiful wedding and even had 3000 dollars left for the honeymoon."
"I am beyond thankful for that money and know that we would not have had our wedding without it. Plus, being able to pay for her family's outfits and makeup really helped lessen their financial burden."
But the OP was surprised to hear about his sister's wedding plans.
"Here is where I need to ask if I am the AH. My sister is getting married and I just happened to be at my parent's house and got into wedding talk."
"My sister was going on and on about all the plans. I come to find that my parents agreed to shell out 35 thousand dollars for the venue and cut her another check for an additional 20 thousand dollars for other expenses."
"My sister and her fiancé are both doctors. These expenses were outrageous to me, because I have been married and know it can be done significantly cheaper."
"I went to my mom and asked why she allowed my sister to pick such an expensive venue when there was time to find another one."
"We made our wedding work off 20 thousand dollars, how can she excuse my sister's being three times the cost?"
"My parents are retired and in their late 60s and early 70s. She told me that my sister's future husband's family were high-class people and have certain expectations."
"I asked what that meant, and she said that they couldn't be expected to have such a meager budget as my wedding had."
The OP's mother brushed off his concerns.
"I was floored. I asked her if she thought 20 thousand dollars was a 'meager budget,' and what did that say about what she thought of my wife and her family."
"My mom said I was making a big deal out of nothing."
"A woman's family pays for the wedding, my sister was just having an expensive wedding, and it was none of my business."
"I agree that it is their money and they should spend how they want, but that high-class and meager budget comment has been eating at me since."
"It seems to me like my mom is saying that my wife was lucky to get a wedding because her family is not well-off."
"I haven't mentioned this to my wife because she does have insecurities about how my parents feel about her, and it might hurt her."
"Am I the AH here for calling out my parents on how much they are spending on my sister's wedding?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some called the OP the AH and encouraged him to remember his beautiful wedding.
"YTA. The money difference is not fair. Increasing costs over six years won't equate to the difference."
"However, it sounds like you were very happy with your wedding. Had you not known of the cost for your sister's you would've still been fine. Ignorance is bliss in this scenario."
"With your parents being wealthy, you'll be on the receiving end of far more cash than most get when it's time for an inheritance. Go back to being happy like you were before and forget about it. Happiness is more than just money." - Allen_and_Ginter
"YTA. You received a gracious gift of $20k. Traditionally, it is the responsibility of the bride's family to cover most of the wedding day expenses with the groom's family paying for other things. It sounds like you chose to use this money to cover all your expenses and pay for a honeymoon."
"Yes, these are antiquated gender roles, but you were also paying for the wedding with money that was a gift from your parents, so here we are. Personally, I think the whole wedding industry is a bit of a scam, but they do also deserve to charge a premium for dealing with brides."
"So your parents are choosing to spend more of their money on a wedding for your sister. Does this make their gift to you less gracious? Do you love your wife less because not as much money was spent on your wedding day?"
"What remediation do you want, them to not spend one dollar more than you on her wedding, or them to pay over the difference? Live your life, love your wife, and be happy for your sister that is getting married, stop sweating about money that isn't yours." - Timely_Equipment5938
"Either way, you seem to be getting caught up in a me versus her situation."
"You admitted you wanted a 'small, beautiful wedding,' but maybe your sister and her new family-in-law would want more? You haven't said how many guests were at your wedding vs how many are going to be at your sister's."
"I mean... if you wanted, could you have asked your parents for a bigger venue? If that's what you're stuck on... YTA. You made 20 thousand dollars spread very far. Your sister has bigger dreams."
"I just inquire because if you're parents suddenly withheld anything but 20 thousand, your BIL's family could pick up that tab, correct? I think your parents were pretty cool because your family broke the basic wedding tradition of the wife's family paying for the wedding." - NinersBaseball
"YTA, your mother is right, traditionally the bride's family takes care of the wedding and reception, while the groom's family takes care of the rehearsal. That said, six years ago, your parents gave you 20 thousand dollars for YOUR wedding, and they are covering much more of your sister's wedding, and you're jealous."
"Nobody is holding anything against your wife's family especially due to their financial status."
"Many of us got married, paying for ALL of it ourselves, we had no parental assistance. Your behavior sounds petty and riddled with jealousy. If it bothers you so badly, then talk to your parents about how unfair it is... maybe they will come up with 35 thousand dollars for you to do whatever you want. Isn't that what you're driving at?" - many_hobbies_gal
"YTA. You missed the key statement. 'A woman's family pays for the wedding.' That's the tradition. When they saw this wasn't the case, your family stepped up and made your wedding happen. Now they are paying for a wedding they most likely budgeted for a long time ago."
"You can't go into 'But my sister got more' territory, because the situations are not equivalent. Your sister gets more because mom is the mother of the bride. That's a completely different expectation than the mother of the groom."
"Let's not even get into how much the cost of living has risen in the last 6 years. You were content until you found your sister was being treated differently. This really speaks to your expectations, not mom's treatment of your wife." - throwawayforrbn
"It's traditional for the bride's family to pay for most or all of the wedding. While it's not necessarily fair in the grand scheme, the parents are abiding by social and etiquette norms."
"And it's not some tradition that's in the past, I was at an expensive country club wedding recently where the bride's parents took out a mortgage to pay for it and refused assistance from the groom's much wealthier family."
"OP's beef is with society not necessarily with his parents. Soft YTA." - MonkeyPawWishes
Others empathized but encouraged the OP to let it go and enjoy his marriage.
"NTA. This sounds a bit like a cultural thing and you did mention the bride's parents paying for the wedding. This would in part explain not wanting to appear cheap to the groom's parents if they are financially better off."
"Stop comparing your life to your sister's. And don't mention this to your wife."
"Focus on being a loving, supportive husband and father. Not all wealth is financial." - Pristine_Resource_10
"NTA, but drop it. You had a glorious wedding that you made work with what you had. Others will have different weddings."
"You expected a sane monetary contribution from your parents to each kid. Yes, your parents are being unfair, and classist, etc. Yes, they are the AHs. But you can't change things and only come off as petty to them."
"Just keep this detail in your calculus for the future. Like, 'Isn't it great that your sibling is a doctor, and isn't it wonderful your parents should be looking to sis for their long-term care since you just aren't in the same position?' (Sarcasm font used)."
"Get your revenge another way, without bringing your wife down." - Advanced-Awareness71
"NTA but drop the convo as it's not going to be constructive or change anything, and definitely don't bring it up when it will just hurt your wife." - Leading-Summer-4724
"NTA. It's not about money. It's about equity. Your parents are gifting to their children in vastly unequal amounts based on gender. That alone is enough to make them the AH, and the rude comments about class/income are just the cherry on top of this s**t sundae."
"It sounds like your parents have some antiquated ideas about things. You may need to pick your battles, though." - rialtoledo
"NTA, it sounds like your issue is less about the money itself (at least, I don't see you asking them to make you even, etc.) and more about the contempt that they have towards your in-laws. It sounds like they see your wife's family as less than you, and that bothers you."
"It should bother you! It's difficult to process that someone you care about could be so judgmental of another's circumstance."
"I would take some time to see if this has bled into any interactions between the two. If it hasn't, maybe not something to mention to your wife yet. But if it has, you need to make a joint decision about how to handle any situations where the in-laws interact."
"Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if there were small things that she hasn't mentioned, or that her parents didn't mention to her." - GimerStick
"NTA. But nothing to do with the money. It's the comment that your sister's fiancé's family is higher class that got to me."
"You still had a beautiful wedding and you were happy with that, and in a traditional sense, it's the bride's parents that do pay for the wedding."
"It's the high-class comment that makes your mom the AH. It would seem that your wife's feelings of insecurity regarding how your family views her are not for nothing. I'm glad you haven't said anything to your wife because you're right; it would hurt her." - jill_glasgow_mhnurse
The subReddit was saddened by the revelation that the OP was in the middle of having, since to most, it seemed that he was far more concerned about how his parents perceived his wife and in-laws than what they had paid for their wedding.
The OP was encouraged across the board to let this go and enjoy his marriage with his wife, and look back on his wedding day fondly. While there was surely something brewing here, it was better to focus on the good things or to go low contact if he couldn't take his mind off of what happened.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp