No two people have the same relationship with their family.
While some people never go a day without calling, messaging, or meeting family members, others have made the conscious choice to cut off all contact with their family.
A decision those in warm, loving homes have trouble comprehending.
Redditor SoundNeat3947 had been out of contact with her family for the better part of the decade.
After getting married, the original poster’s in-laws (ILs) were concerned by her complete lack of contact with her family and urged her to reconnect.
Something the OP told them multiple times she had absolutely no interest in doing, even going so far as to call their constant goading “naive.”
Wondering if she was out of line, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I the A**hole (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for calling my mother-in-law (MIL) and father-in-law (FIL) naive?”
The OP explained why she finally had enough of her ILs, encouraging her to reconnect with her family.
“Ever since I (29 F[emale]) got married four months ago, my ILs (the 60s) have brought up the fact I didn’t invite anyone from my biological family to the wedding and have asked me why I don’t at least make an attempt to reconnect with my half-siblings.”
“I explained to them that I did not feel it would be worth my time.”
“My ILs argued that it has been more than a decade since I last saw or spoke to any of them, and a lot of things could have changed in that time.”
“They told me they see how longingly I look at my husband and siblings sometimes when they’re being typical siblings or how I stare off in the distance at times when we’re all together and I experience being part of a happy family with them.”
“They say they know I long for that with my own biological family.”
“I admitted to them that I wish it had been possible, but I know in my heart of hearts that it’s not possible, and I found acceptance in that a long time ago.”
“I feel I should touch on some background here.”
“My father was a married man when he met and had an affair with my mother, of which I am the result.”
“His family found out about me when I was a baby or a toddler and his marriage ended as a result.”
“His other children were in their teens at the time and they hated me for being born.”
“I have a number of scattered memories of them.”
“I never lived with them.”
“But I saw them on occasion when I was with my father.”
“They were hateful, they were cruel, and they made it very clear to me at a very young age that they did not want anything to do with me.”
“My father would whine for them to be nicer.”
“But he never really stood up for me, and he never tried protecting me either.”
“My mother grew to resent me for the ending of the affair/her relationship with my father.”
“She treated me terribly from middle school onward until I cut off all contact when I was 19.”
“I was 17 the last time I saw or heard from any of my half-siblings.”
“I was the same age the last time I heard from my father or saw him.”
“I explained my background in more detail with my ILs.”
“They knew I was an ‘affair baby’ (a term I hate because I did not choose to be born to a married man and another woman) but not how much the disdain expressed in my childhood.”
“My ILs asked if I had tried reaching out to my father’s ex-wife because surely she would want her kids and me to have a better relationship.”
“But if I couldn’t reach her, they said they bet my half-siblings have been waiting for me to make contact for years and would love to know me today because of family.”
“I was actually startled by how naive they sounded saying all this.”
“I told them there was no way the ex-wife would help because she hadn’t wanted me anywhere near her kids.”
“I also told them my half-siblings were all older than I am now when I last saw them, and they still hated me, so I held no hope for change.”
“They told me I didn’t know, and I told them I could not afford to be as naive as them.”
“They were hurt I called them that.”
“My husband told them it was naive to think the way they did.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the. a**hole for calling her in-laws naive.
Everyone agreed that not only were the OP’s in-laws putting their noses in business that didn’t remotely concern them, but that calling them naive for urging her to reconnect with her family was an understatement.
“NTA.”
“You could have been much harsher than calling them naive.”
‘Naive sounds like a pretty fair assessment.”
“Some people think they know best and can fix anything….shockingly, this is not the case.”
“Your bio family treated you horrifically; leave the past in the past and protect yourself from more hate.”
“You’re right.”
“Good luck on them never bringing this up again.”- ReviewOk929
“NTA.”
“If they’re going to pry where they shouldn’t, they have to accept what you have to say.”
“You need to be blunt and create these boundaries now.”
“At the end of the day, your family situation is none of their business.”- RoyallyOakie
“NTA.”
“Nothing’s worse than the good intentions of people who think they can tape a solution onto a problem they don’t understand.”- Petefriend86
“NTA.”
“It’s so weird how people with normal or healthy families try to project that healthiness onto other people’s toxic relationships.”
“I’m so sorry for the hand you were dealt.”
“It wasn’t anything to do with you, and your parents are AH.”
“Your half-siblings are just as bad.”- Tough-Combination-37
“NTA.”
“They are naive.”
“And also cruel, by rubbing it in. In those cases, I usually say – ‘I know you mean better, but you don’t actually know better’.”
“They were not there. They didn’t meet your extended bio family.”
“You have.”
“Tell them what they are doing is kind of like telling an amputee to try and walk without crutches or a prosthetic, because ‘maybe it’ll work this time, you don’t know it won’t.’“
“You do know.”
“They are the ones that don’t.”- moominsmama
“NTA.”
“Some people really just want to dream of fairy tales and butterflies. They can’t possibly fathom the cruelty someone suffers from abusive parents and siblings, whether half or full blood.”
“‘Oh, but honey, you don’t know that they could have changed’.”
“So the flipping what?!?!”
“It has been over a decade. What is there to reconnect over.”- MyriadMalice
“NTA.”
“Sounds like your in-laws need to understand boundaries, even if it comes from a good place.”-cake2019
“Absolutely NTA.”
“People who think like this can’t imagine what life is like growing up in such dysfunction (and that must be nice …), and too many of them, unfortunately, assume, then, that it didn’t really happen the way you said it did.”
“That’s the definition of naiveté.”
“I’m glad your husband has your back and understands boundaries.”
“I also don’t speak to my mother, stepfather or half-brother.”
“Only one or two people have ever said ‘don’t you want to forgive them/will you really never speak to them again’, and that gets shut down pretty quick.”
“Your in-laws need to respect your boundaries, and it sounds like your husband is ready to help in that regard.”- MyCatSpellsBetter
“NTA.”
“You can only tell people nicely so many times to back off before you have to show them tough love.”
“That boundary is there to protect you.”
“Their curiosity is irrelevant.”- KronkLaSworda
“NTA.”
“Your ILs just don’t get it.”
“Just say no and drop the subject.”- Zestyclose_Gur_8889
“NTA.”
“You hit the nail on the head.”
“Naive.”
“Either that or they love to stir up drama.”- rebootsaresuchapain
“NTA.”
“They mean well, but the truth is, if you reach out and the half-siblings aren’t receptive, it just reopens a wound that will take more time to heal.”
“If the half-siblings are receptive, it could still be painful to build bridges.”- Raedriann
One can, at least, acknowledge that the OP’s in-laws’ concern comes from a place of love, as they seem unable to fathom a life without a close-knit, loving family.
That being said, as they also don’t know what it’s like to have a family as dysfunctional and toxic as the OP’s appears to be, it’s probably in their best interest not to give advice in such unfamiliar territory.
Instead, they should keep their focus on giving the OP the love and comfort she has been missing practically all her life.