When expecting, parents do their best to make a safe space for their new addition.
And that may call for some hard truths and boundaries that their own parents will not take well.
Redditor Unhappy_Plankton_287 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for telling my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] that she made her bed and she can rot in it for all I care?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So I (24 M[ale]) have been with my G[irl]F[riend] (23 F[emale]) for a bit over a year.”
“She is the love of my life, and the only problem is the witch of a mother she has.”
“My girlfriend is very L[ow] C[ontact] with her mom as she is a judgmental, crazy alcoholic.”
“She has constantly criticized my girlfriend to the point of her crying every time she talks to her.”
“Well, we are expecting our first child.”
“It was not planned but a welcomed surprise and we are super happy about it.”
“My girlfriend told her father as she is very close to him and my MIL overheard it.”
“She has demanded that we use the name she wants and that it’s her way or no way.”
“I told her that we as parents are gonna choose what name our child gets, and she has no part in it.”
“Well, as expected, she told my girlfriend that either she uses the name she picks or she won’t ever be in our child’s life.”
“And to that, we told her that’s probably for the better.”
“She then started to cry, saying we can’t ban her from seeing her first grandchild.”
“I told her that if she thinks I would ever allow her to be near our child, then she must be delusional.”
“She had a meltdown and said we can’t do that to her. To that, I told her that she made her bed, and she could rot in it for all I cared, and then we left.”
“I told my parents about what happened and they told me that they understand my frustration but that I can’t be that disrespectful to someone and just tell her off like that.”
“My GF is on my side, but my parents made me second guess myself.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. She is being unreasonable, and it makes complete sense why you wouldn’t want her in your child’s life.”
“She has a history of bullying her family, and you are not obligated to let her do the same to your child.”
“Also, if your GF is on your side, her opinion on this matters more than your parents.” ~ Popperbopper
“NTA. Hell, what about your MIL’s disrespect to her daughter?
What do your parents say about that?” ~ ivylass
“My only concern was the girlfriend’s stance on his actions.”
“Thankfully, she supports OP (and is probably quite grateful to have his support as well); that’s the one opinion that truly matters here. Easy NTA.” ~ DragonCelica
“Even if MIL wasn’t a bully, her alcoholism would disqualify her from unsupervised contact anyway.”
“And only minimal at that because the child will likely witness MIL’s excessive drinking.”
“I wouldn’t want my kid witnessing that behavior.”
“A mean drunk, sad drunk, or a happy drunk means very little to me in terms of preference.”
“And trust me, people think little kids don’t know what’s going on around them ‘until they’re older’ but it’s not true.”
“Ask any preschool or elementary school teacher, and they’ll tell you all the stories your child has come to school to announce during circle time proudly.”
“You better believe that Nana’s ‘happy juice’ that ‘only grownups are allowed to have’ will be discussed in length and exaggeration.”
“This behavior is eventually normalized, and frankly, I just could never trust her to say or do the mature, safe thing for my child’s best interests.” ~ SufficientWay3663
“Of course, it is super naive of them as they don’t know her, and you do.”
“If she makes your girlfriend cry on the regular, I can see why she is not the kind of person you want in your life. NTA.” ~ Weak-Case-5226
“NTA. Even if she was the best parent in the world, it’s still not up to her what you name your kids and it’s not like she just made a suggestion either. She made a demand and said if you don’t obey, she’ll never see her grandkid; well, it backfired because you called her bluff, and now she’s upset about it.”
“Also, your parents are just plain wrong.”
“MIL has chosen to be a downright awful person, and that comes with consequences that no one wants to be around her, and the only one who can change her behavior is her, but don’t count on that as people like her can’t even comprehend that they’re not the center of the world.” ~ Etenial
“The parents sound like good people who haven’t had much first-hand experience with just how awful some people are to their children.”
“They’re missing the thousands upon thousands of interactions worth of context that OP’s wife has and has relayed to OP.”
“So of course they got it wrong.”
“And I wish everyone was in such a position of ignorance.” ~ Aminar14
“NTA… Protect yourself, your wife, and the little being at all costs from this toxic person.”
“You all should go to No Contact with MIL.”
“F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] can visit you at your house without her so he can have a relationship with the baby. Good luck.” ~ ChapterPresent4773
“NTA. Your parents weren’t there, and I’m guessing they don’t know all of the details of the dynamic/relationship with your girlfriend’s mom, so they’re not really in a place to judge.” ~ Stranger0nReddit
“NTA. Wasn’t MIL just threatening to never be in the child’s life, two seconds before being told, ‘Your terms are acceptable?'”
“She was bluffing, but you aren’t and I hope you stick to your guns on this point.”
“Keep toxic people far, far away from your children.”
“MIL sounds like the sort where if you look up ‘toxic’ in the dictionary, you find her picture.” ~ Either_Coconut
“NTA. In case no one has mentioned it yet, your GF needs to lock her medical records with a password so that MIL can’t wiggle around HIPAA and try to access information.”
“As the time approaches for your LO to make their appearance, be sure that she does the same with her birthing plan.”
“It is her call who can be in the delivery room with her and who she wants to keep out.”
“This information should be given to your hospital/birthing center in writing and again password protected.”
“Taking care of it in advance will give her one less thing to worry about during labor and delivery.”
“Oh, and good for you and your very shiny spine.”
“Your GF is very fortunate to have you in her corner.” ~ BunnySlayer64
“NTA – I’m assuming neither of your parents had toxic parents growing up.”
“A lot of people who haven’t experienced this kind of upbringing firsthand can’t comprehend what an appropriate reaction to this kind of nonsense is.”
“You and your girlfriend did nothing wrong here.” ~CanadianCutiexox
“NTA. Ignore your parents.”
“People who aren’t familiar with narcissists do NOT believe how they really are, even when you tell them.”
“For those with parents who actually love them, narcissistic parents simply don’t compute.” ~ YourOtherOtherLeft
“Amen to that!!!!”
“That’s why it’s so depressing talking to most people about personal stuff.”
“The only places that work for me are things like raisedbynarcissists sub Reddit and one or two people who have personal experience.”
“It’s not possible to convince people with no personal experience.” ~ VirtualMatter2
“The hardest part is to convince them that your parents don’t ACTUALLY love you because they put on a FANTASTIC show.”
“To an outsider, it looks like love, but they don’t see what happens when nobody’s around.”
“The reality is they love what you do for them/the money you give them/how you make them feel/etc., but not actually YOU!”
“The instant you have nothing to offer, they’re GONE!” ~ YourOtherOtherLeft
“NTA, and you’re a hero for standing up for your girlfriend and future kid.”
“Everyone with a toxic parent should be lucky enough to have someone like you in their life.”
“I’m guessing your own parents haven’t witnessed all these horrible conversations where your girlfriend ends up in tears, have they?”
“Well, when they sit and listen to a few, or 10 or 20 such conversations, maybe they’ll think twice before saying you went overboard.” ~ Studious_Noodle
“NTA. You handled things in a totally appropriate manner.”
“Your parents are as out of line as your MIL in this case.”
“They have no business trying to force a specific outcome on you.”
“Besides, they weren’t there, and they lack sufficient information.” ~ extinct_diplodocus
“I suspect the OP’s parents don’t know the whole story.”
“OP’s girlfriend is estranged from her mother for good reasons, which IMHO would negate any obligations to the girlfriend’s mother.
“Anyway, I concur with your NTA.” ~ FunnyAnchor123
“NTA. I doubt your parents fully understand just HOW toxic your GF’s relationship is with her mom, even if you’ve told them.”
“It’s probably something that needs to be experienced directly to have an understanding.
“They’re seeing it from the side of a grandparent a little bit too.”
“Your MIL is only upset because she isn’t getting her way.”
“The rest is just theatrics to get you to cave.” ~ IShouldChimeInOnThis
“NTA. Protect your family.”
“She has zero right to your child.” ~ KnittedWhit
Well, OP, Reddit is with you. You’re putting your GF and your baby first.
And if your GF supports you, then there is no other conversation to have.
Though it’s a sad scenario, your family’s health and wellness are more important.