Changing jobs and careers isn't always easy.
But when opportunity knocks, no one promises it won't come with consequences.
Redditor Embarrassed-Pace255 found himself in a personal dilemma regarding a job opportunity and his fiancée, so he turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
He asked:
""AITAH for going to a job interview behind my fiancés back?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (25 M[ale]) work in logistics and feel very burned out."
"Day in and day out, I spend time on the phone with clients and truckers."
"I average roughly 300-350 phone calls a day, and by the end of the day, I’m so socially drained I don’t want to have a conversation with anyone. "
"It’s an 8-5 pm job with decent benefits and pays the bills."
"However, recently I was headhunted for a medical sales position doing warm inbound leads."
"The position is fully remote with a 20k pay increase and the same benefits with 2 extra personal days off."
"The company also supplies all of the equipment to work from home. "
"The only issue would be my hours of work."
"I would have to choose between the 2 options..."
"Mon–Thu 1pm–10pm & Sun 12pm–9pm... or"
"Mon–Fri 3pm–12am."
"While not the best hours, I was still thrilled about the option as I would have less stress from work and make a good bit more."
"So I present the option to my fiancée (27 F[emale])."
"She was not too thrilled about the position."
"She believed that the hours would cause problems in our relationship as we wouldn’t be spending the nights after work together and possibly lose a weekend day together (she works a standard 9-5 Monday-Friday)."
"I pointed out that most weeknights we don’t see each other until almost 8 pm anyway, as one of us normally goes to the gym after work or does something with a friend."
"We would still have a weekend day together and potentially both days if I took the later time slot."
"I can understand her concerns, but I’m also devastated, as she knows I’m not happy at my current job and feel that she is lacking support for this change."
"After thinking it over for a while, I reached back out to the hiring manager and accepted the next round interview without telling her."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITAH"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
Those hours are odd for a medical sales role, unless you're doing the sales development for a company based in another country."
"Either way, you should choose what you think is best."
"If the job and money are more appealing, go for it; it may simply be a temporary inconvenience." ~ writing_mm_romance
"OP - this is great advice."
"Also, deeply research the company and its client base."
"Earlier on in my marriage, my husband took a remote sales job for a company that sounded absolutely fabulous."
"Only to find out that the market was pretty much saturated." ~ Fun-Nefariousness813
"I'd also ask about the working hours."
"I've had a Business-to-Consumer sales job that had similar working hours, but never seen a business-to-business job like that unless it's focused on 'very S' Small and Medium-sized Businesses (SMBs) customers."
"Worth asking for just a basic rundown of how the commission plan works - quarterly vs. monthly payments, clawbacks, ramp period, and if there's a non-pay provision or minimum % attainment to get paid." ~ SmugAlpaca
"Working second shift is tough on your social life and relationships."
"My husband works second, and we make it work, but it has burned him out after 2 years."
"He had to miss out on a lot with his friends and our daughter."
"If you were headhunted, there's a good chance you have many options for a new job if you applied."
"Ultimately, it's your choice, not hers." ~ xxwhatsinanamexx
"NTA. A full-time job occupies so much of our lives; at least do it for more money and less burnout."
"Your fiancée needs to learn about compromising." ~ Top-Bit85
"I would just tell her the truth and go."
"How she reacts is on her."
"She’s TA for not seeing how you are drowning, and now you have a life jacket."
"You would be the a-hole going behind her back."
"You can make it work; it just takes work." ~ Similar-Bee2647
"Due to your due diligence on this job."
"This is a sales role which is not consistent with your current role."
"While it is more money, it will also be stressful."
"Make sure to ask about sales goals."
"Where will leads come from?"
"What part of the salary is guaranteed, and what part is commission-based, if any?"
"If everything still sounds good, then you have to talk to your fiancé and get her on board with the hours."
"However, it doesn’t sound like you’re happy with your job anyway."
"It may be time to start searching for a new role."
"Good luck." ~ TravellingWhilePoor
"I'm torn as it's not good to go behind your partner's back like this, but she shouldn't be outright vetoing you either."
"She can have a stance, but you both need to discuss this further.
The lie and hiding it will cause issues if you're offered the role/she finds out."
"What workarounds have you discussed to ensure the relationship remains a priority?"
"Could you arrange your hours so that your break means having dinner together?"
"How long do you see yourself in this role?"
"A year of you not being around in the evenings might be something she can accept, but long term???" ~ AcanthocephalaOne285
"NTA about the job, but YTA for not telling your fiancée."
"It’s a job, if you do well, maybe the shifts change, and you’re making more money and back to normal."
"Even if working odd hours for a few years isn’t great, you’re supposed to be sharing your life with her." ~ WorkingInAColdMind
"You should get the job you want."
"However, realize it probably will create more friction in your relationship and perhaps end it."
"Mostly because you're now going behind their back on major decisions."
"They have a valid point about when you'll see each other."
"But there is a compromise where you can get this job, but still be looking for another with better hours."
"So viewing it as more of a temporary hump than a lifelong commitment."
"Now, is she just opposed to the hours, or is there more to it?"
"Because she can be supportive of a change since you're unhappy, but also see the new problems that will occur with this new job."
"Ultimately, you get to choose, and either is your right. But you should be upfront and say you're still moving forward in the interview process."
"You need to keep discussing it unless you want them to feel completely unimportant to your life." ~ CSurvivor9
"NTA, it’s your life, go live it."
"That being said, if you’ve never had to work late evenings/weekends before, I will say it sucks very, very much."
"You don’t realize how much of life you’re going to miss out on because of it."
"Especially at your age, I would really argue for waiting for another opportunity."
"There is a reason they’re cold-calling candidates for jobs." ~ Upset-Elevator-9701
"I know what I'm thinking, but curious about a couple of things."
"Do you live together?"
"What time does she usually go to bed?"
"Is there an opportunity for different hours later down the road?"
"Because the hours sound a little odd for inbound calls for sales."
"I don't know, she's jealous that you would be working from home?"
"My opinion: NTA."
"You are struggling mentally."
"Your current job is leading you to burn out."
"You need a change in jobs."
"You were recruited for a job that would be the change you are looking for."
"You sound excited about this opportunity."
"Notice how I said 'You' a lot... Because this is really about you, not her."
"She isn't being supportive, knowing you are in a position you absolutely hate and is affecting your mental health."
"Yes, it will change your lives a bit, and it will change your relationship."
"But part of marriage is compromise."
"If together you can not get through different work hours, then I am concerned for how a marriage will work because life is constantly throwing you changes and curves balls."
"You two need to have another conversation."
"Looks like with the hours offered, you could all have at least one full day on the weekend."
"Maybe breakfast together each morning becomes a thing."
"Married 30+ yrs."
"Marriage is the 2nd hardest job after being a parent."
"It's a team effort, and all the team had to work at it and be willing to sacrifice for it to work." ~ CallingThatBS
"NTA. The fact is, we often spend more waking hours at work than with loved ones."
"If you're miserable at work, then it makes the rest of the day miserable."
"I think keeping the second interview a secret is going to be a bigger problem."
"Tell her that you understand her concerns, but you are going to pursue this opportunity." ~ Itchy_Juice_2528
"NTA for pursuing this opportunity, but potentially getting into a**holey territory for going behind her back."
"Just tell her you think this is a good opportunity and discuss ways together of how you can make it work for you."
"If you don't, you will resent her in the future, and if you do it behind her back, she'll get the message you don't respect her opinion or expectations, needs, etc."
"Be a team, you will accomplish more together." ~ MyJoyinaWell
Reddit is with you, OP.
Although there are a lot of issues to be dealt with here.
Lying is never a great idea.
It sounds like the two of you may need a very serious sit-down conversation.
Good Luck.
