Redditor Current-Pool is a 24-year-old college freshman married to her 27-year-old husband with whom she has kids.
They both have diametrically opposed views about jobs that reached a boiling point.
After endless arguing, the Original Poster (OP) visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit and asked:
"AITA for getting a job behind my husband's back?"
The OP wrote:
"My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We have a few kids. His parents own the house we live in and they have graciously let us not pay rent."
"My parents are deadbeats that aren't in the picture, his parents like me more than their son. That's all for background for length's sake."
"The last year has been hard af for everyone, so my husband decides to turn down THREE $800+ a week jobs. Without talking to me."
"I am a freshman in college, deciding that the only thing stopping me was me. I am doing it for my kids, tbh."
"Anyways, my husband has worked a week this year."
"Through many MANY arguments he decides to fill out an application at a gas station part time. I am livid because wtf?"
"We have blown through all our savings, a part time minimum wage job isnt going to keep us afloat."
"So I decided that since he doesnt want to f'king work, I will."
"This has opened up a pandora's box of arguing. He is PISSED because I went to his dad asking if he could get me on a job that he has offered to my husband making a decent amount of money."
"My FIL happily agreed, because HE has been the one paying our bills. He also threw out there to 'do what I have to' for my kids, indicating he thinks I should leave."
"My husband thinks that me working and going to school will look bad on him. He also says that if he doesn't work then his sense of purpose is gone because that's what he contributes to the family."
"Except HE F'KING DOESN'T and I am sick of being nice and told him so. I told him that I am getting the job, so now I'm a bitch who thinks I dont need him."
"So AITA?"
Strangers on the internet were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors did not look upon the husband favorably.
"NTA. He 'won't let you' work? Girl, I'd be out the door. F'k his nonsense." – showtunie
"There are very few situations where a guy telling me he 'won't let me' do something wouldn't result in a call to the Whole Man Disposal Service." – jamoche_2
"Been there - I rescued a puppy from euthanasia at my work and then told my boyfriend at the time... he wasn't happy, but he understood why I did it."
"He offered to pay for half of the bills to get the puppy fixed up, and we both intended for the situation to be a month-long fostering gig."
"Well, $3,000 and a month later the puppy is healing nicely and my boyfriend hasn't paid a cent or lifted a finger to help rehab him."
"Boyfriend then demands that I get rid of the puppy because the foster-period was over. Unfortunately for him, I was pretty pissed about the money and I'm also stubborn to a fault, so I kicked out the boyfriend and kept the dog."
"Almost 7 years later and not a single f'king regret. My dog is the sh*t and paid me back tenfold with his companionship." – Kharmaticlism
"So your husband doesn't want to get up off his lazy bum a**, stop mooching off his parents, and take care of his kids....yet....he also wants to ban you from doing so....because it would make him look and feel bad?"
"What the actual f'k is this type of mindset? It's not YOU who are making him 'look bad.' He's doing that himself."
"Does he just expect his parents to let him live for free and pay for his whole a** family for the rest of his life? Your husband is delusional."
"If he feels bad about not working he shouldn't have turned down three jobs. What the hell? Go to work."
"The whole world doesn't revolve around his weird a** feelings. You have responsibilitys to care for and sh*t to do for your kids and his fee fees don't matter in comparison to putting food in your children's bellies."
"Honestly he's right. You don't 'need' him. It sounds like you can't rely on him at all and would do better without him holding you back and forcing your kids into intentional poverty because he just doesn't feel like taking care of his family." – dogchick1985
"NTA. It does look bad on him but that's on him."
"If he wants to not look bad he can get off his lazy af a** and get an actual job, maybe the job that you're taking since it's coming from his father, and let you actually get your degree!" – OboesHay
"NTA!! It's worse than 'can't' hold down a job, it's 'turned down THREE $800 jobs' WITHOUT TELLING OP."
"He DOESN'T WANT to work - he wants to mooch off of mommy and daddy and expects OP to do the same whilst raising the kids full-time."
"That's probably why he doesn't want her working - because who'll watch the kids while she's attending school and working part time; him?!"
"BUT HE'S BUSYYYYYY! He's fullfilling his PURPOSE as a full-time BUM!"
"At this point, OP would be better off as a single mom, part or full-time student and part-time worker than to stay with a moocher."
"Verdict. In the words of musician Snow Tha Product, '...divorced a whole-a** man'." – CanuckLurker86
Overall, Redditors sided with the OP and admonished the husband's lack of motivation to help the family.
If he wants to not look or feel bad, it's time to stop mooching off mom and dad.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.