Redditor Current-Pool is a 24-year-old college freshman married to her 27-year-old husband with whom she has kids.
They both have diametrically opposed views about jobs that reached a boiling point.
After endless arguing, the Original Poster (OP) visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit and asked:
"AITA for getting a job behind my husband's back?"
The OP wrote:
"My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We have a few kids. His parents own the house we live in and they have graciously let us not pay rent."
"My parents are deadbeats that aren't in the picture, his parents like me more than their son. That's all for background for length's sake."
"The last year has been hard af for everyone, so my husband decides to turn down THREE $800+ a week jobs. Without talking to me."
"I am a freshman in college, deciding that the only thing stopping me was me. I am doing it for my kids, tbh."
"Anyways, my husband has worked a week this year."
"Through many MANY arguments he decides to fill out an application at a gas station part time. I am livid because wtf?"
"We have blown through all our savings, a part time minimum wage job isnt going to keep us afloat."
"So I decided that since he doesnt want to f'king work, I will."
"This has opened up a pandora's box of arguing. He is PISSED because I went to his dad asking if he could get me on a job that he has offered to my husband making a decent amount of money."
"My FIL happily agreed, because HE has been the one paying our bills. He also threw out there to 'do what I have to' for my kids, indicating he thinks I should leave."
"My husband thinks that me working and going to school will look bad on him. He also says that if he doesn't work then his sense of purpose is gone because that's what he contributes to the family."
"Except HE F'KING DOESN'T and I am sick of being nice and told him so. I told him that I am getting the job, so now I'm a bitch who thinks I dont need him."
"So AITA?"
Strangers on the internet were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors did not look upon the husband favorably.
"NTA. He 'won't let you' work? Girl, I'd be out the door. F'k his nonsense." – showtunie
"There are very few situations where a guy telling me he 'won't let me' do something wouldn't result in a call to the Whole Man Disposal Service." – jamoche_2
"Been there - I rescued a puppy from euthanasia at my work and then told my boyfriend at the time... he wasn't happy, but he understood why I did it."
"He offered to pay for half of the bills to get the puppy fixed up, and we both intended for the situation to be a month-long fostering gig."
"Well, $3,000 and a month later the puppy is healing nicely and my boyfriend hasn't paid a cent or lifted a finger to help rehab him."
"Boyfriend then demands that I get rid of the puppy because the foster-period was over. Unfortunately for him, I was pretty pissed about the money and I'm also stubborn to a fault, so I kicked out the boyfriend and kept the dog."
"Almost 7 years later and not a single f'king regret. My dog is the sh*t and paid me back tenfold with his companionship." – Kharmaticlism
"So your husband doesn't want to get up off his lazy bum a**, stop mooching off his parents, and take care of his kids....yet....he also wants to ban you from doing so....because it would make him look and feel bad?"
"What the actual f'k is this type of mindset? It's not YOU who are making him 'look bad.' He's doing that himself."
"Does he just expect his parents to let him live for free and pay for his whole a** family for the rest of his life? Your husband is delusional."
"If he feels bad about not working he shouldn't have turned down three jobs. What the hell? Go to work."
"The whole world doesn't revolve around his weird a** feelings. You have responsibilitys to care for and sh*t to do for your kids and his fee fees don't matter in comparison to putting food in your children's bellies."
"Honestly he's right. You don't 'need' him. It sounds like you can't rely on him at all and would do better without him holding you back and forcing your kids into intentional poverty because he just doesn't feel like taking care of his family." – dogchick1985
"NTA. It does look bad on him but that's on him."
"If he wants to not look bad he can get off his lazy af a** and get an actual job, maybe the job that you're taking since it's coming from his father, and let you actually get your degree!" – OboesHay
"NTA!! It's worse than 'can't' hold down a job, it's 'turned down THREE $800 jobs' WITHOUT TELLING OP."
"He DOESN'T WANT to work - he wants to mooch off of mommy and daddy and expects OP to do the same whilst raising the kids full-time."
"That's probably why he doesn't want her working - because who'll watch the kids while she's attending school and working part time; him?!"
"BUT HE'S BUSYYYYYY! He's fullfilling his PURPOSE as a full-time BUM!"
"At this point, OP would be better off as a single mom, part or full-time student and part-time worker than to stay with a moocher."
"Verdict. In the words of musician Snow Tha Product, '...divorced a whole-a** man'." – CanuckLurker86
Overall, Redditors sided with the OP and admonished the husband's lack of motivation to help the family.
If he wants to not look or feel bad, it's time to stop mooching off mom and dad.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.