Ultimatums are rarely a good idea in a relationship unless the person issuing the ultimatum is willing to accept all possible outcomes.
Issuing an ultimatum to get a singular outcome isg a big risk.
A man who chose the option his girlfriend didn't want when she issued her demands turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after a chance meeting with her years later.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Sufficient_Cover_331 asked:
"AITAH for basically telling my ex that I would choose my girl best friend (BF) over her if given the choice sgain?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (32, male) have had a best friend (31, female) basically since diapers. We were neighbours, and we went to the same schools all our childhood, then attended the same university."
"She did not have the best home life, and that's all I am going to say on that, since it isn't my story to tell. But that meant that I was the closest person to her all her life. I still am."
"When we were 14, she came out to me as a lesbian, and I was the only person who knew until 4 years ago. She had to deal with a lot of things to be able to live her authentic life."
"When we were freshly out of college, I was seriously dating a woman, let's call her M."
"At first M didn't have a problem with my best friend, but once we started talking marriage, she switched up. And it's not like I was ditching her to spend time with my best friend. I was meeting said friend maybe once a week/every 10 days, while I was meeting M every day."
"M still got jealous, gave me an ultimatum: wither I go no contact with my best friend or we break up. I broke up with her."
"Because 8 years ago, my friend was not out, and I was not going to out her against her will to preserve my relationship."
"I told my best friend that I was having relationship problems with M, she was the one the closest friend I had, still is actually."
"I never told her that 99% of our fights were because of her, because she was going through some tough times, stuff that made my problems seem so trivial, but she knew that M was jealous of our relationship."
"And even if she knew, she wouldn't have come out to M just to save our relationship, and I wouldn't have wanted her to, because it would have harmed her."
"Fast forward to last weekend, one of our mutual friends got married, and we were all there, me and my long term girlfriend, my best friend and her wife, and M with her boyfriend."
"I was polite, said hello and just moved on. M cornered me later when I was alone, and it basically boiled down to her asking if I knew my best friend was a lesbian when we broke up."
"I said yes. She was angry I didn't tell her, because that would have helped our relationship. I said I was not going to out my best friend just to appease her."
"A bit of back and forth, and I basically said what is in the title. She stormed off, and has been telling people that I am an AH, and that apparently I am in love with my best friend and just stringing poor women along because I can't have her."
"I don't think she is stuck on me, I think her ego is hurt, because I chose to break up with her instead of outing my best friend to keep her."
"Just for the sake of clarity: I am not in love with my best friend, I am head over heels in love with my girlfriend, we have been together for 6 years, and the only reason we are not married is because she doesn't want to get married."
"So AITAH?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to refuse to out his best friend to satisfy a jealous girlfriend (NTA).
"NTA. Sounds like M hasn't fully moved on. This situation reminds me of the saying 'If exposing the truth makes you look like the villain, you were already the villain." ~ BuffaloAdvanced652
"This situation is also a very good example of the idea that if you choose to do an ultimatum, plan for both possibilities and follow through. There's no taking back an ultimatum once it's made."
"In this case, the ex played with fire and got burnt." ~ theautisticguy
"You passed a very big moral test, not disclosing your best friend's orientation when it might possibly have saved your relationship (granted, for the wrong reasons). I have to tip my cap to you. I sure hope I would have passed in a similar situation, but I can never be sure." ~ deltalitprof
"I have a childhood friend. Lived next door. Oldest friend I ever had. She is the sister I never had. And while I love her dating her would be like dating my sister. So I get what OP is saying." ~ RevolutionaryGuess82
"Similar situation with me too. I have a friend (a man, I'm a woman) who has been in my life since I was 6. No way I'll ever stop being friends with him to appease a love interest who just came to my life." ~ PoetLoverBirdwatcher
"NTA, sounds like M has some major regrets, and good on you for standing by your best friend and being there for her." ~ chapteronetwo
"8 years on, she's got a new boyfriend, and she's still bitter that you'd choose a best friend (who by the sounds of it is practically family) over her? She needs to move on. I wonder how her new boyfriend is reacting to her kicking up a fuss about all of this. NTA." ~ JWadie
"NTA, your ex doesn't live in the real world; she's in her own bubble, thinking everything is about her." ~ Alive_Room6023
"Why would he share information about his friend to someone who doesn't need to know that business? It isn't what he had to tell! What if his friend wasnt comfortable with him just blurting it to people? Nah, good on him for not telling anybody." ~ Extra_Commercial2409
"NTA, it's heartbreaking when you see posts about (usually) mixed gender friendships going up in flames because one party dumps them to please their controlling/jealous bf/gf, and just to rub some salt into it, often those relationships have only been going on for a few months." ~ Morotstomten
"Nope, you dodged a bullet with M. She is jealous and vindictive. If she wouldn't believe that you were just best friends despite having been only best friends for your entire lives, why does it matter if she's a lesbian or not? NTA, I'm glad you've moved on to someone better." ~ Ludicolorad0
"We know how she would have reacted because she's doing it now: she'd have claimed that the BF's orientation was irrelevant because OP was in love with her and using other women because he couldn't have the one he really wanted." ~ MarsupialMisanthrope
"NTA. M has a jealousy problem and didn't trust you; she played Russian roulette and lost, and she hasn't gotten over it. I feel sorry for her boyfriend if she's still fuming about her ex."
"I can understand problems with best friends, regardless of gender. If you only spend time with them, they exclude the Partner, sabotage thrm, are in Love with you, you only turn to them with problems, their opinion counts more than your partner's... that would annoy me too. But your description doesn't sound like that; I don't think you've done anything wrong." ~ CandyPopPanda
"Her insecurity really shows here. She ONLY would've been okay with you having a friend of the opposite sex if said friend was not attracted to the opposite sex. But when confronted with the fact that it didn't matter because there were no sexual feelings there anyway, she doubled down and lied about you having feelings for your friend to make her choice feel better. NTA at all." ~ SeaGoatGamerGirl
"Clearly, NTA. You are a great friend with a strong moral/ethical compass. Your friend and girlfriend are both lucky to have you in their lives." ~ s63b
"NTA. I'm glad you didn't say anything because people with M's personality tend to be the same people who would out someone to get a leg up in a situation." ~ middaypaintra
"NTA. But you dodged a bullet like a real-life Neo. She didn't trust you when you were dating; she wouldn't have trusted you later either. True friends are worth fighting for. I may be an old curmudgeon, but I never tolerate ultimatums." ~ etiennek7
"NTA. You telling her your friend was gay wouldn't have changed the fact that she gave you an awful ultimatum in the first place."
"Beside it not being your business to tell, which is absolutely true and I'm glad you stood by that. As someone whose best friend is the opposite gender, for whatever it may matter to some, I'm glad you stuck by your friend."
"Your ex can kick rocks." ~ Legolaslegs
"You should never out someone who's not ready to be outed. Especially to someone like M who clearly has no sense of discretion."
"NTA. Your behavior was that of a good ally and a good friend." ~ names-suck
OP's ex issued an ultimatum.
If they weren't prepared for either option, they shouldn't have forced the issue.
