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Surrogate Sparks Drama By Refusing To Be In The Child’s Life After The Child’s Mom Dies

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Reddit user BirthParent_Pro was recently presented with a very uncomfortable situation after the death of her best friend. Unsure of what to do, she took to Reddit for strangers’ assessments of the issue.

The Original Poster (OP) asked the folks on the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for their read of the situation.

She asked:

“AITA for not wanting to be in a child’s life that I gave birth to?” 

She started out her story with some important background. 

“Background- My best friends couldn’t have children, the risk of her death was too high and she already was having fertility problems.” 

“So long story short I agreed to be her family surrogate mostly due to the fact that she was my best friend.”

“I can not stand her husband tho, the only reason I did this was for her. So I became pregnant with their child and everything went smoothly.”

“There was a contract in place that I wouldn’t be financially responsible for the kid and so on. It was a pretty standard contract.”

Things went bad recently, though. 

“Well, that was six years ago and my best friend died. Due to the 2020 plague, I wasn’t able to attend her funeral.”

“Her husband has been calling me recently that I should step up as the kid’s mother because I did give birth to her.”

“He keeps calling that I need to be in his daughter’s life, after declining multiple times I finally told him that, that kid isn’t mine even tho I gave birth to her. That I have no obligation to do jack sh*t and that I’m not going to replace my best friend as her mother.”

At wit’s end, OP asked for the internet’s judgment. 

“He called me an a**hole and going to get his lawyer involved.”

“So AITA?”

Redditors vote for who they think is the a**hole by posting one of several acronyms, along with their thoughts on the situation. 

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
  • NAH – No A**holes Here

The general concensus was OP was not at fault in this mess. 

“First of all, I am sorry for your loss. Losing your friend, especially with everything else that is going on, is very difficult.”

“Secondly, NTA. You did something amazingly kind for your friend and her husband and made it very well known that you did not want to be responsible for the kid, going so far as to draw up a contract.”

“It is not your fault that he has not figured out how to parent by himself. Don’t let him bully you into doing something that you don’t want to.” ~OliveAndPeaz

“NTA- that baby had a mother, and she passed away.” ~the-Lady-Lazarus

“Sounds like he was not involved in parenting and continuing to avoid it after his wife’s death.” 

“NTA although I’m nervous for the child.” ~Educational-Mine-827

“NTA. You made your position and thoughts crystal clear when becoming a surrogate.”

“You didn’t want the child, and you don’t want to be in the child’s life now. It’s not something that was suddenly sprung on the father out of nowhere.” 

“It would be much better for the child to have only one parent that loves them, than having one parent that loves them and one that resents them, too.” ~OrangeKotoni

Many pointed out their surrogacy contract means the father doesn’t have much legal room to make her be involved in his daughter’s life. 

“You’re NTA. Let him get his lawyer. He doesn’t have a legal leg to stand on.”

“I am really sorry you’re going through this. Keep records of your conversations in case you need to get a no contact order.” ~ferocious_llama

“NTA, he’s just freaked out about not having a mother around. Ya’ll had an agreement, a contract.”

“You helped your friend (RIP) and their SO. In no way are you obligated to do anymore than you agreed to.” ~ScreaminKetchup

“Most def NTA. This guy sounds like he’s wanting someone to do all the work for him and he’s obv not the best guy based on your judgement of him.”

“He can get all the lawyers involved that he wants, a contract is binding. He needs to be the one to ‘step up”‘. NTA” ~Batmanclan4269

Some were were worried about the child, with her father seemingly trying to avoid parental responsibility.

“NTA at all but I feel like it needs to be said, is the child safe? Their mother just died and their father is trying to basically pawn of their child on you.”

“Is there anyone within your best friends family that you can call to alert them that something is wrong?”

“Obviously you’re under no obligation to be a parental figure to the child, but it is still your best friend’s child and they sound like they are incredibly at risk for being abused and neglected by their father.”

“If I were you I’d maybe be calling your best friends parents and seeing if they can arrange to care for the child for a time while he figures sh*t out.” ~femmebot9000

Surrogacy is often an incredibly complex legal issue, with laws being different in every state and country. As far as a moral decision goes, Redditors’ judgment was pretty clear—OP is not at fault.

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Written by Winn Sioux Christnot-Peters

Winn Sioux Christnot-Peters is a writer/web designer and aspiring librarian based in Northern Maine. When not writing or in class, they devote much of their time to multiple non-profit organizations, largely focusing on LGBTQ+ rights and animal welfare. During rare moments of free time Winona enjoys video and tabletop games, as well as various nerdy fiber crafts such as crocheting (mainly amigurumi Pokémon, cat toys, and blankets) and counted cross stitch.