Having the support of a parent is a privilege, but never a guarantee.
Traditionally, most parents support their children financially until they grow up, at which point it becomes their responsibility to find a source of income.
Some parents, however, make their children work for everything from a very young age.
While other parents might continue to financially support their children well into adulthood.
Redditor Standard_Kick_9789 worked very hard to support their children until they graduated from university.
With both of their children now adults, the original poster (OP) decided to ease up on his work schedule a bit, taking a financial blow for a far more manageable schedule.
Unfortunately, this decision did not sit well with the OP's wife or children, the latter both finding themselves struggling financially.
The OP felt there was an easy solution to this problem, a solution that infuriated his family.
After being called "lazy" for this solution, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AIATH for telling my wife to get a job if she wants to subsidize the kids."
The OP explained why he told his wife to consider getting a job:
"Up until our youngest kid graduated from university, I worked crazy hours out of town to pay for everything."
"I worked six weeks of twelve-hour days."
"Then I would get three weeks off."
"That works out to 56 hours a week if you average it out."
"I've been doing that since I was thirty-five years old."
"It allowed my wife to stay at home and take care of the kids and the house."
"We also used it to pay off our mortgage as well as buy new cars for cash whenever we needed."
"I'll describe our budget so you guys can judge."
"After taxes, we used my take-home to pay the mortgage and bills."
"We then paid into the kids' college funds."
"Then into our retirement fund."
"Then we topped up our retirement account."
"We put money into our emergency fund."
"Then whatever was left we split 50/50."
"Our tax refund was our vacation fund."
"Now I'm fifty-five, and I'm tired."
"My body is beat, and I need to slow down."
"Our kids are both through university."
"Both got their degrees and have jobs."
"I did my part."
"The company I work for had a job open for an office job."
"I applied and got it."
"It is a 9-5 city job."
"Forty hours a week."
"Better hourly rate plus other compensation."
"However, it is a lot less money without the overtime."
"I was getting 44 hours a week of overtime."
"That's huge."
"But we have money in the bank, and I have an easy stretch until I retire."
"My wife, however, is upset."
"Both kids are 'struggling'."
"For the record, they live at home rent-free."
"But they want cars and apartments of their own."
"They can afford that."
"They just won't be getting luxury cars and huge apartments."
"We no longer have a mortgage, and my wife and I are both driving vehicles purchased in the last three years."
"Still under warranty."
"Our budget no longer has education funds either."
"We still have more than we need, and my wife and I each have $1,000 each month to spend however we want."
"I am saving up for a new garage/shop."
"My wife has been giving hers to the kids."
"She is hinting that I should also contribute."
"I think I have contributed enough."
"I told her to get a job."
"She is only forty-six."
"She can go to work and give them her salary."
"I still provide housing and food for all of them."
"So she won't starve or anything."
"She and the kids think that I'm being cruel, and one of the little sh*ts said I was being lazy by cutting my hours so much."
"This is my hill to die on."
"I've done the hard work long enough."
"I want to enjoy my life."
"Am I the a**hole for telling her to get a job and give them her money?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was past the point of needing to support their children.
Seeing as they were already allowing both their children to live in their home rent-free, everyone agreed that the OP was under no obligation to offer any other financial assistance, and if their wife disagreed, then she should get a job:
"NTA."
"Your children need to learn to stand on their own two feet. How incredibly entitled of them to expect that you continue to fund their lifestyle."
"What the hell are they using their degrees for?"
"Tell them to grow the hell up and sort their lives out."- Aromatic_Escape3706
"The second that kid called me lazy would be when their free rent ended."- Southernbeekeeper
"NTA."
"Stick to what you said."
"Enjoy the office job until you retire."
"I am blown away that your wife and children are acting so entitled and ungrateful."
"The nerve of a grown adult living in your house rent-free, calling you lazy!"
"That is unacceptable but it sounds like your wife is also ungrateful."
"I think her getting a job is the perfect solution."- Durchie87
"NTA."
"Let her read all of these comments and make sure you don't enable those freeloaders any more than she already have."
"They need a reality check."
"Enjoy your coast into retirement, you deserve it."- Ok_Day_8559
"NTA."
"It's her choice to give her part of the money to the kids instead of telling them to go get a job or to find a job herself."
"I understand that you guys had an agreement so she can stay at home and take care of the kids."
"They are grown-ups now, so it's time to be adults too."
"You have done enough."
"Let them face a bit of reality now."- lebleudesreves
"You aren't being cruel, honestly, it sounds like they are all being extremely entitled."
"Honestly, maybe you handed the kids TOO much growing up?"
"I'm not sure, but they are adults now, and they need to step the f*ck up."
"They should be paying bloody rent at the very least."
"I agree she can get a job if she's that bloody worried."
"A lot of people don't get 1k of fun money a month!"
"NTA, but you are to yourself if you don't start charging them rent and bills although I don't think your wife will support this."- Gullible_Answer_5878
"Papa bear, you have done enough."
"Tell your kids they have 6 months to figure out their life plan and move out."
"You have overworked yourself long enough and as a result have created entitled children."- Exotic-Rooster4427
"If my kids or wife called me lazy for 'only' working 40 hrs a week, I'd stop funding them."-NHRADeuce
"I'm f*cking offended reading this."
"You've done more than enough."
"Living rent-free as adults, and they are complaining?"
"Sir, you are 100% NTA."- chunkychapstick
"My Dad was a doctor and worked crazy hours."
"He provided a great life for our family."
"I thought money grew on trees and just wasn't prepared for what life would be like."
"Thankfully, I got a rude awakening due to starting a family in my early 20s and grinded away for a decade to make ends meet."
"60-90 hour weeks and one stretch of 5 years where I never slept more than 4 hours a night."
"We now do fairly well for ourselves."
"I guess what I'm trying to say is that your kids will need to struggle and pay a price at some point."
"If it isn't now, it'll be later."
"It's much better to pay the price now, while they're young."
"Your wife, unfortunately, isn't helping them."
"She's hurting them."- Influence808
"You already accepted the job."
"Follow your plan."
"Kids and wife will have options of their own."
"I actually think it's not any of your kids' business what your income is, what job you take, or how you run your finances."
"Who included the kids in your financial planning?"- hopingtothrive
"Can't you politely say what you said here to your wife and kids."
"Now it's their turn to figure out life."- No_Recover_4603
"NTA."
"You have done more than enough."
"Enjoy your more relaxing job and keep your money for yourself for a change."- BallBagMcSack
It's one thing for adult children to ask their parents for help if they're caught in a temporary bind.
It's quite another for them to more or less expect their parents to continue supporting them, which is what the OP's children appear to be doing.
If the OP's wife wants to continue supporting their children, she has every right to.
She just shouldn't expect the OP to do it for her...
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp