Sometimes gifts are loving gestures.
Other times, they are beautifully wrapped red flags.
When a romantic partner starts receiving expensive gifts from a "friend," the gift is probably the latter, side-eyed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Unlucky-Moment-3365 had been dating her boyfriend for three years and did her best to be supportive of his friendship with a female coworker that predated their relationship.
While she accepted the pair working together and texting outside of work hours, the Original Poster (OP) drew the line at her boyfriend receiving expensive gifts from his friend at their home.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by being uncomfortable with the expensive gift my boyfriend's 'work bestie' sent him at our house?"
The OP tried to be understanding about her boyfriend's friendship with his coworker, Sarah.
"I (24 Female) have been with my boyfriend, Jake (26 Male), for three years."
"He’s always had a close friend at work named Sarah. I’ve met her once or twice; she seems nice, but they text a lot outside of office hours."
"Jake says it’s just because they have the same sense of humor."
But then Sarah went too far, in the OP's eyes.
"Yesterday, a package arrived at our apartment addressed to him. I thought it was something he ordered, but when he opened it, it was an espresso machine (worth like $200)."
"The note said, 'To help you survive those late-night shifts! You're my favorite person to 'grind' through work with. - S'"
"When I asked him about it, he just laughed and said she’s 'just being generous' because he’s been stressed lately."
The couple could not see eye-to-eye about the expensive gift.
"He thinks it’s totally normal for coworkers to send expensive gifts to each other's homes."
"I feel like it’s a massive overstep of boundaries, especially with that weird pun in the note."
"He says I’m being insecure and making it weird."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some immediately clocked Sarah's use of the word "grind."
"This is the first time I've witnessed a triple-layered joke. 'Grind' as in work, coffee, and them boning behind your back." - Otherwise_Term_5004
"She is having sex with him. And also grinding coffee with him. And working late." - albino_red_head
"They just have the same sense of humor! It's so funny when they have sex behind your back, HA HA HA." - traumaqueen1128
"'Grind' is actually insane. NOR." - Secure_Unit8872
"I make just under $200k a year at a large organization and have lots of great colleagues/friends. (Trying to set some context here.)"
"I would never buy a co-worker a $200 gift, like ever."
"The only time I bought a work-related $200 gift was to thank this person for recruiting me to the company. The gift was a gesture of huge thanks. That’s it. It changed my life, and it was proportionate to the role and salary."
"NOR. This is wild… And 'grind'??? The f**k?" - rudegyal_jpg
Others agreed that the gift was definitely a red flag.
"Who sends a 200$ gift to just a work friend? That's why OP is like 'what the f**k?!' because nobody, NOBODY, just sends a 200$ gift to a work friend."
"This woman wants OP's boyfriend if she doesn't have him already. I'm not gonna tell you what I'd do, because I'm fresh off a seven-day ban, but... OP needs to handle this." - fckthisshii
"This is the kind of gift you give to someone you want to flaunt your wealth to or someone you're f**king. Those are really the only two instances I can imagine someone would send a random $200 gift to someone."
"So either she's got a lot of money and nothing to do with it, or they're sleeping together." - Neveronlyadream
"At the very least, she wants OP's boyfriend. If there were NO weird/sexual/romantic/flirty vibes... it should have been addressed to BOTH of them and maybe a casual 'Hi' to the girlfriend in the note (since they HAVE met) instead of some weird, potentially sexual joke about the two of them."
"I have had quite a few guy friends in my life, and I ALWAYS make sure to include their significant other to make it VERY obvious that I'm not interested and I'm not that kind of person. The way she went about it is tacky, and it's gross that he doesn't give a s**t about his girl's feelings." - emi1yaf
"She's hoping that by sending a gift to their home, either the OP will dump him or it'll force him to make a choice between them. Either way, this isn't about coffee or working late." - MissionReasonable327
"Sending the gift to his apartment was to clue the gf in, but it went right over OP's head."
"OP, ask what your boyfriend would think if you got such a gift from a male coworker, same note too. He knows what his work side piece is saying, so he'll know it's not appropriate. That boy is cheating." - whatthewhat3214
Some thought it sounded like something more was going on.
"Looks like his other girlfriend is letting you know without actually telling you with a 'hey girlie' text." - SweetBekki
"NOR. Making sexual jokes like that with his coworker goes beyond just being friends to me. That she feels it is appropriate to send the gift AND the joke to his home makes me think she doesn't know much about you being his girlfriend. I would feel very uncomfortable too."
"This may be more on the emotional affair side than physical, but hard to say with 'their sense of humor.' I assume by that he means they make a lot of these types of jokes with each other?"
"What are their messages like? If he will openly show to you, they aren't crossing boundaries, maybe it's salvageable. If not, I think I would find someone who would rather make the sexual jokes with you, not someone else, all the time." - lilies117
"NOR because your feelings are valid."
"But $200 for an espresso machine is definitely not high-end. Decent ones start at around 1K. People average $1500 for a good one. My regular coffeemaker costs around $150, and my espresso machine was around $1350."
"Regardless, I've definitely spent some money on my favorite colleagues. But I've never singled one out. And my husband knows who and what I'm buying for." - Globewanderer1001
"Workplace affairs are at the top. Ask any marriage counselor, anyone who has ever been cheated on, and it will average out to workplace being number one."
"That being said, you're NOR, but you need to tell him how you feel now and tell him she has to go."
"No man completely dedicated to you is going to make you want to feel uneasy or upset you. And if this one is okay with doing it, then you need to walk. You are worth more than that."
"I’ve been married to my wife for five years and with her for 10. I would NEVER entertain a female from work. I got more than enough Sicilian females at home, and I care for her feelings. (That’s the type of guy you want.) Never settle for less." - that_215_kid
"I had a coworker buy me a $300 socket set a couple of years ago. I was drooling over his at work, and he had no bills and was childfree, so he bought it for me. It WAS weird, and I told my husband. But the guy said if I didn't want it, to give it to my husband, so I did."
"I don't know what kind of friendship they have, but if it makes you uncomfortable, then it does. Either she is ONLY a friend, or she's marking her territory and showing you who she really is. You're allowed to think it's weird." - Worried_Necessary157
"NOR. I'm willing to bet she sent it to your apartment with a clever pun to alert you without ticking him off. Otherwise no reason not to just give it to him at work and get his reaction. It is also so weird to gift a colleague that expensive of a gift for absolutely no reason." - SpecialistDevice5770
"They spend their work time together and then choose to continue interacting constantly outside of work hours. He makes her laugh. She makes him laugh. She sends him an expensive gift with a cutesy note that suggests they've been 'grinding.'"
"What do you have to be worried about??"
"Seriously though, these two have definitely done a lot more than grinding." - Sathane
This is one of those situations where it's possible that Jake and Sarah have simply been working together for so long that they've become legitimate friends outside of work, with their own ecosystem of jokes and gifts for each other on holidays and other special occasions, like when a little extra support is needed.
That said, Sarah was fully aware that Jake was in a relationship and committed enough to be living with his girlfriend, and she must also have known that the "grinding" joke could be taken as more than just grinding coffee and the work grind.
If there was nothing nefarious going on, the best thing that could be said about Sarah was that she was oblivious, and the worst was that she was trying to make something finally happen with Jake.
