Parents can’t be everywhere all at once.
It would be great if they could be, but this can be an issue when it comes to special life events.
Sometimes, life will get in the way.
Certain milestones may get missed.
And that leads to tons of hurt feelings.
Redditor ThrowRA_087554 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally he came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITA for calling my wife out on giving a ‘joint’ birthday present without me there?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Son’s birthday today.”
“He’s 5 years old.”
“I wasn’t there this morning as I have to stay away from home some nights due to work.”
“Even if I had slept at home, I would have left for work before the kids woke.”
“We have a party planned on Saturday, and will be there at dinner time tonight.”
“I realized that my wife gave my son a present this morning.”
“She said it was from ‘us.'”
“Apparently, she does this every year.”
“I was hurt, and told her so.”
“I thought it was selfish that she couldn’t wait to share his excitement.”
“Her excuse is that it is unfair on him to make him wait.”
“I find that ridiculous and believe he absolutely could wait.”
“I said the only reason to give it early is the selfishness of wanting to experience his joy alone without sharing it.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
“Believe he absolutely could wait.”
“YTA – Could he wait? Absolutely.”
“Should he have to wait because of one adult’s childish demands? Absolutely not.”
“He’s a kid FFS, let him have some fun instead of this nonsense of you getting your nose all out of joint about it.” ~ ReviewOk929
“Exactly – brain development by age 5 only knows ‘yippie my day!’ and since dad is typically gone a lot, mom makes sure kiddo knows it is from dad too who wishes he could be there (obvs dad thinks it is more important to wait for his presence?).”
“My dad worked a ton – nights and weekends away, sometimes days.”
“He recorded himself reading books to me so he could ‘be there’ for me when I fell asleep, age then 4-5.”
“Maybe figure out how to call in for 3-5 minutes using one of the multiple ways now possible or pre-record a message to play at the moment.”
“Sounds like dad is not very good at his real job – being a dad.” ~ OkControl9503
“Totally agree. OP: YTA for making your son’s Birthday about your feelings instead of your son. Let your 5-year-old start his bday from the moment he wakes up.”
“You should allow him to open one smaller present when he wakes up, and you can join via virtual video chat.”
“If you can’t video chat, then have your wife record your son opening it and have your wife ask him what he wants to say to daddy about his present.”
“Then you can open his main bigger present and other presents when you get home as long as you get home at a reasonable time.”
“If you can’t be home, you shouldn’t expect him to wait until the weekend.” ~ 2Fluffy_Bunnies
“YTA – I Love how he had no idea that his wife gives a joint birthday present every year.”
“He’s obviously soooo close to what goes on in his house!” ~ Junjubear
“I mean, it really sounds like OP expected his wife to do all the work and give him half the credit- an absolute YTA move.”
“But I don’t like this as the top answer because it doesn’t address any of that.”
“It just says ‘let the kid open a present early,’ like that should be the standard.”
“I don’t know about you, but I’m reasonably certain that growing up I opened presents at the celebration only- which, even if my dad might have been away on business at the time- was always an after-dinner thing.”
“I don’t think there’s at all a problem with that in the abstract, even if, in this specific case, Dad’s an a**hole.” ~ Big_Falcon89
“You just now realized that she gave him a gift this morning and does it every year.”
“That has to mean one of two scenarios.”
“Either: 1. You never noticed before this year that he didn’t get any presents in front of you and therefore thought he didn’t get presents?”
“2. She only gives one present in the morning, and the rest are with you.”
“I’m going to assume the second because surely you would have noticed if he never got presents at your celebrations before this year.”
“Giving one present to set the tone in the morning is not selfish or stealing joy.”
“It’s a fun tradition.”
“My mom used to give me a gift before school, and it made the day feel special right away.”
“My dad was also already at work and never set out to do anything himself for me either.”
“But he didn’t get upset that one gift was given without him.”
“You are free to start your own thing between him on his birthday too.”
“I’m sure your wife would actually love that effort, and your son would absolutely come to remember. YTA.” ~ xlovelyloretta
“Agree with 100% of your comment, would absolutely cosign!”
“On my birthdays from age 3-8, mum would let me open one gift in the morning (it was always this same huge orange ball that I loved for many years) and I would wake up each birthday knowing it was my special day.”
“I also knew the gift was from both mum and dad, but honestly, at that age, I didn’t even care about that part.”
“I always knew to thank my dad later on in the day once he got home, whilst I opened the rest of my gifts.”
“My point is, this guy 100% is only thinking about how it makes HIM feel regarding the special tradition of the wife giving one gift in the morning without him.”
“I also think it might be a little bit of projecting his own guilt for being a less-than-present dad.” ~ Kimberaliarimeow
“YTA. You are the selfish a**hole.”
“Your son should not get a present on his birthday and should wait for the weekend because you are not there?”
“If it is so important to you to see his joy, then do everything you can so that you don’t have to work out of town when it’s your son’s birthday.” ~ LizLizLiz999
“YTA 100%.”
“A 5-year-old knows and is super excited for their birthday, and birthday presents are part of that excitement.”
“You seriously think it’s fine to make your excited 5-year-old wait 3 days for a birthday present just so YOU can see their excitement?”
“And you call your wife selfish?”
“You’re the selfish one here.” ~ PanicAtTheGaslight
“YTA. Why should your child’s birthday be ‘moved’ because it’s convenient for you?”
“The kid is old enough now to know what day their birthday is.”
“You’re putting your needs first, so you’re the one who needs to grow up.”
“This isn’t your wife’s fault.”
“She made sure your kid got a birthday present, and you yelled at her? YTA.” ~ WDWSockPuppet
“YTA. Lol, it’s his fifth birthday, and your wife apparently gives him a present every birthday morning, and this is the first time you’ve realized it happens?”
“Where were you on any of his other birthday mornings?”
“Why are you bitter that she’s giving him a great start to his birthday and giving you credit in spite of you not being there?”
“The entitlement is wild.”
“Be there or just appreciate that your wife is making sure your son feels loved by you despite your absence.”
“My parents always either woke me up by singing happy birthday or sang happy birthday as soon as they saw me on my birthday growing up.”
“To this day, they continue to call me on my birthday and sing Happy Birthday as soon as I pick up.”
“It is one of my most favorite traditions and memories from childhood.”
“Celebrating the actual day of your child’s birth is kind of the whole point.”
“You can’t even be there for your son’s birthday morning, and you’re whining about the fact that your wife makes it special for him and includes you in the credit despite not deserving any?”
“Insane. Grow up.” ~ GladPerformer598
“YTA. He’s 5, and she didn’t want him to think she forgot about his birthday (didn’t get him a present).”
“He doesn’t understand yet and will take it badly if he doesn’t get a present in the morning and will be disappointed all day.”
“Next time, get two gifts – one he can open in the morning so he knows you are celebrating him and his bday then the big grand gift to open that night at dinner from both of you guys.” ~ EffectivePage1113
“YTA. And, deleting your posts on other subreddits doesn’t actually delete them.”
“It might disappear from your profile but we can still see the deleted posts where you’ve been told YTA over your apparent inability to be considerate towards your wife.”
“It kind of sounds like you hate your wife, brother.” ~ Frequent-Volume5817
“Were you really expecting a 5-year-old to wait all day to get his present?”
“Come on, that’s really mean, poor kid, YTA.” ~ EntertainmentDry3790
“YTA, you can’t expect your 5-year-old to be more selfless than you are.”
“Any child will want the present more than they care about who gives them it.”
“Be grateful your wife takes such good care of him while you are gone.” ~ Beautiful_Bird_4092
“YTA – She does this every year, for five years and suddenly it is an issue.”
“It is your kid’s birthday.”
“He is 5, and all day is like forever to a kid.”
“Either make it a priority to be there or stop acting like you are a child.” ~ Street-Length9871
OP came back with some thoughts and details…
“This blew up quicker than I expected.”
“I couldn’t get online for the last hour.”
“And overwhelmingly with YTA responses, many with some unfair assumptions, so I want to add some context in my defense, although I think it won’t change the general outcome.”
“Today is his birthday, although we have other special plans.”
“Next week, I’m taking 3 days off work, two of which are for a family trip, and the third is a special day for my son.”
“I couldn’t get today off work, though, and Saturday is his proper party, which I obviously will be there for.”
“I have a 1.5-hour commute each way (hence why I don’t normally see him in the morning before he gets up for school), but I normally read the bedtime story when I’m home and I video call EVERY evening that I’m not home.”
“I’m not an absentee father, and I’m not just a sperm donor.”
“My wife has bought most of the presents but not all of them.”
“We tend to put things in gift bags, not wrap them.”
“Last year it was me that bought the main present, this year there wasn’t a main present, it was mostly a few smaller ones because the family trips mentioned in…”
“(1) are really his main present.”
“I don’t expect her to do all the gift shopping and give all the ideas, I do a share of it.”
“She does have more free time than me and does more of the childcare than me.”
“That’s a problem of our (shared) life choices and not something that we can easily change.”
“My long commute is primarily due to decisions on her part.”
“Yes, she said she does this every year, but first and second birthdays are not quite the same level of conscious response, and 3rd and 4th I am not sure what she gave him in the morning.”
“As I mentioned, last year I got the ‘main’ present, and that was given in the evening I am definitely jealous if she is giving him presents.”
“I definitely want to be part of the enjoyment of his birthday.”
“I was hurt and didn’t understand why he had to receive the present when I wasn’t there.”
“Yep he’s 5 years old, and every family is different.”
“I don’t remember receiving presents until the whole family was there in the evening.”
“I thought that was normal, and assumed my wife had the same thoughts.”
“We hadn’t discussed it, and I was upset for missing out.”
“I think if I knew, then I wouldn’t have reacted that way, but it was a shock and I was upset.”
“I still am jealous and have some feelings to work through.”
“I don’t like my work situation and commute, but I really don’t see a way to resolve it (without the significant financial risk that I’m not willing to take in this climate).”
“So will have to suck up my disappointment.”
“I called my wife selfish for getting the joy, alone without discussing it first, or without giving me the chance to join on video call.”
“I guess I need to take the YTA verdict.”
“Too many comments to respond to, and can’t respond for at least a few hours so that I can spend time with my son on his birthday!”
Reddit has some serious issues with your behavior, OP.
It was one gift.
Yes, your work situation sucks, but that doesn’t excuse your actions.
It sounds like you’re trying to figure out a better solution.