“It’s the thought that counts.”
That old clichéd saying when it comes to presents.
After all, not everyone has money to spare to buy extravagant gifts for their loved ones.
That doesn’t mean, however, that they can’t still give them a gift, or at the very least offer a gesture that shows how much they love and admire those closest to them.
Nor does every meaningful gift need to come with a hefty price tag.
Sometimes, however, the overall quality of a present might indicate that the gift giver might not have put any thought whatsoever into their presents.
Redditor Indigoicequeen was a bit perturbed by the lack of effort her husband put into her most recent gift.
Making the original poster (OP) even more angry was seeing her husband put an enormous amount of effort into a present going to someone else.
When the OP confronted her husband about this, she was met with a cold shoulder.
Having doubts about her behavior, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my husband it’s not fair he went all out for a co-workers secret Santa but made me pick my own bday gift?”
The OP explained why she was less than thrilled with the amount of effort her husband was putting into his Secret Santa gifts:
“My (30 F[emale]) husband (32 M) has always been a great gift-giver, but in the past few years he has not nearly put in as much effort.”
“We’ve been together 10 years.”
“One birthday, he gave me custom engraved necklaces of our dogs, and I loved it.”
“This year, for my birthday, he asked what I wanted (which I hate), but I ended up picking out my own bag and ordering it myself.”
“Now on to the part that makes me upset… at his job he works with all women, and he is their boss.”
“They are doing Secret Santa for Christmas, and he got matched with a girl who loves to read and is into fantasy genres like dragons and magic.”
“He bought her probably 7 different dragon-themed little gifts and trinkets (tapestry, glass dragon egg, a little journal, etc….).”
“None of them were super expensive, so if that was all it was, I wouldn’t have thought twice about it, but he also crafted a hand-made mosaic of a bunch of different dragons that he stenciled on from images he found online.”
“It looks great and he’s super talented with things like that, but I can’t help but be jealous and think ‘why can’t he do something like that for me?'”
“He spent hours on it and worked on it every night for a week.”
“One of the gifts arrived in the mail yesterday, and I said, ‘Is this another gift for her?”
“He said yes so I said ‘I feel like you’re going over the top and its a little unfair I had to pick my own gift for my birthday when you did all this for her’.”
“He replied, saying everyone goes over the top for the gift exchanges, and it’s not that deep… and that was the end of it.”
“Also, I think part of it is he feels like it’s a competition on who gives the best gift because at previous exchanges, there has been a clear ‘winner’ who gave the best gift.”
“He seems standoffish and short with me ever since we’ve had the conversation.”
“Am I the a**hole for brining it up?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community firmly took the OP’s side, agreeing she had every right to be upset by her husband’s imbalanced gift-giving.
Everyone agreed that they, too, wouldn’t be happy if their spouse put more effort into their colleague’s Secret Santa than their own birthday presents, with many expressing concern that the actions of the OP’s husband might possibly find him in a conflict of interest at work:
“NTA.”
“In most offices, the boss isn’t even included in Secret Santa bc of favoritism issues.”
“Also… Why is he so concerned with her happiness and not yours?”
“I’d be asking some hard questions and doing a little digging.”- GoreGoddezz
“NTA.”
“That’s a lot of effort to go to for a co-worker.”
“If it’s the thought that counts then it shows he’s spending a whole lot more time thinking about her, instead of you.”- ExistenceRaisin
“I mean, how can you expect YOUR HUSBAND to put any time, effort, and consideration into YOUR BIRTHDAY GIFT when he’s clearly far too busy making sure his coworker gets the most thoughtful little dragon-themed love package possible.”
“NTA.”
“Sounds as though you’ve hit a nerve because he’s being standoffish.”
“Meaning, there’s clearly a nerve to hit.”
“His Christmas gift/gifts to you this year better be f*cking spectacularly thoughtful.”
“You’re not even asking for much, just something caring and thoughtful.”- AsparagusWTweak
“NTA.”
“But I want to focus on the SS aspect…. these things are normally limited to one item or have a dollar limit, usually no more than $25, to avoid situations like this.”
“Imagine Colleague A opening all these special interest pricey gifts, and then Colleague B gets a bag of socks and a cheap candy bar.”
“I have been a part of an SS where there was daily gifting into a stocking on their desk, but this also had a total gifting dollar limit.”- Vxing404
“NTA.”
“And that is inappropriate as her superior.”
“He is crossing the boundaries.”
“And not to mention that he is putting way more thought into pleasing her rather than pleasing you.”
“Has he started shopping for your Christmas gifts?”- Chilling_Storm
“NTA.”
“A gift like that crosses the limits of how a boss should be treating an employee, especially for a work secret Santa.”
“It could just be their tradition when it comes to their secret Santa, but if he’s willing to put that effort into an employee he should absolutely at least put in more than the bare minimum to you if he’s truly that passionate about gift giving.”- schmeebus
“NTA.”
“Who does all that work for a subordinate’s gift exchange at work?”
“Handmade art?”
“No, this is fishy and voicing your complaint over the gift disparity is entirely valid.”
“If he doesn’t understand why you feel this way he is being obtuse or deceitful and a whole nother problem.”- Sparklingwine23
“NTA.”
“My boss does Secret Santa at our company too.”
“He just buys a standard $25 Starbucks card to the point where it’s a running joke & bets get placed around the office over who’s getting free coffee for that week the gifts are given.”
“Lol.”
“Not saying your hubs is doing anything suspicious maybe it become a competitive thing for him (?), but I’d dig a little deeper because the time/effort he’s putting in is definitely questioning.”- keiko1984
“NTA.”
“And if he’s her boss, he is in serious murky territory here.”
“From the amount of effort he put into her gift, I’d say there are two potential outcomes:”
“1. He’s having an affair with her, or 2. He’s crushing on her and is going to get contacted by HR for creating a hostile work environment and sexual harassment.”
“Nothing he is doing is in any way appropriate.”- Silent-Friendship860
“NTA.”
“As their boss, he probably shouldn’t be participating in the secret Santa.”
“And once Amanda, who got a candle and socks from Joan, sees that Lori got a handmade dragon mosaic from the boss, I think they are all going to wonder WTH.”- jam7789
“NTA.”
“Tell you partner- ask these people if – on the average, they spend more time and effort on their partner’s b-day present or the secret santa, and how many of them just blew off their partner’s b-day altogether.”
“Go ahead.”
“If it’s no big deal, then ask them.”
“I’ll wait.”- chuckinhoutex
“NTA.”
“Tell you partner- ask these people if – on the average, they spend more time and effort on their partner’s b-day present or the secret Santa, and how many of them just blew off their partner’s b-day altogether.”
“Go ahead.”
“If it’s no big deal, then ask them.”
“I’ll wait.”- chuckinhoutex
“NTA.”
“But your husband is.”
“He’s coasting when it comes to you, and that’s not cool.”
“I think you may want to have a discussion at a time that neither of you are actively mad about it.”
“Communication is important.”- Sue_in_Victoria
“NTA.”
“Who’s the chick he’s doing all this for?”
“This seems waaaaaaay over the top for a secret Santa, and inappropriate for a boss to be doing for his employee.”
“I would feel upset, too, if my partner was putting so much effort into another woman.”- Wait-What1327
For anyone to defend their gift by using the age-old “thought that counts” excuse, they would first need to prove that they put even the slightest amount of thought into their present.
The disparity in effort between the gifts for his wife and Secret Santa only shows how thoughtless the OP’s husband’s behavior was.
Unless, of course, the OP finds something pretty spectacular under the Christmas tree…