After seeing how his wife's job was taking an emotional toll on her, Redditor "RockSquap" took matters into his own hands and addressed the issue with her boss behind her back.
As a result, changes at work were implemented and she was convinced she was demoted. The Original Poster (OP) insisted that is not the case since her salary was unaffected.
He wondered AITA (Am I the A**hole) for instigating changes he thought would be to her benefit.
The OP would soon discover on Reddit that he was not going to get the consolation he was looking for.
"So here's the situation—my wife is in a high-level corporate position at her job."
"What she does is extremely stressful and I don't blame it for taking a toll on her."
"Recently though, she's been having a really rough time with work and is clearly stressed out about it."
The OP described how her workload affected life at home.
"She's visibly upset much of the time, but she doesn't seem to want to discuss the specifics with me."
"She's even become forgetful and somewhat unuseful around the house recently – she seems to always be thinking about work."
When she wasn't being communicative, he made the unilateral decision to contact her superior.
"She wouldn't talk to me directly about it and I knew I had to do something, so I found her boss's phone number and reached out."
"I simply told him that she has been listless and despondent recently and that I worried about her performance at work as well as what it's' done to our home life."
Fortunately, the boss was understanding.
"Basically her boss corroborated everything I was saying, and it seemed clear he felt the same way about her behavior."
"After some time talking, we both came to the conclusion that a reassignment was necessary – not really a demotion, but the decision was made for her to be reassigned to a less high stakes, less stressful position."
"We didn't state it verbally, but I think we both had an understanding that this was in her best interest and our conversation wouldn't need to be brought up to her."
Unfortunately, she didn't take the news about the changes at work well.
"After the news came down to her she became hysterically upset—she thought she was being demoted essentially and she didn't understand why."
"The thing is it really isn't a demotion, there's no pay-cut involved, just an executive decision that was made for her own benefit."
"I'm really not comfortable telling her that I was involved with this because I suspect she'll freak out at me, but I do feel what I did was correct, and I believe her boss was reasonable enough to understand that also."
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked to weigh in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
The consensus was definitely not in his favor.
This Redditor coined a new acronym to reflect how wrong the OP was for betraying his wife.
"YTA Oh. My. God. What did you do?"
"You just DESTROYED your wife's career. Annihilated it. She will have just lost any legitimacy she had earned because her husband went behind her back to her boss and basically said she's not performing at home and is stressed she can't do this job."
"Holy sh*t x 1000. You better hope she never finds out, but I guarantee she will because office rumor mills are vicious especially in high-impact jobs."
"Someone will lord this over her when she goes to make a huge judgement call."
"Again holy sh*t! YATGA (G = giant or ginormous; both fit) times a million." – haremgirl6
"This. God forbid he be a supportive partner and just do more around the house while she's clearly dealing with something." – BootsieBunny
"Going on the post, it doesn't sound like OP has a job anywhere NEAR as time-consuming or stressful as his wife."
"If he had time to search for her boss and talk to them, he had time to be useful. Sounds like someone just doesn't like that his wife is successful. Jeez." – Ghost-Titty
"Holy Mother of Baby Jesus- this is bad! YTA dude."
"You undermine your wife's entire career because she wasn't doing enough HOUSEWORK. Like, literally that is the reason you did this."
"You treated her like she was a toddler, incapable of speaking for herself or of working through her own problems. If she wanted you to butt in, she would have asked. She didn't. You f'ked up and owe her and her boss an apology. Such an a**hole." – noonenottoday
This person is cognizant of respecting boundaries.
"My wife stayed home to raise our kids. They are grown now. She is now on a career track and working insane hours in an essential capacity."
"I am honored to cook every night and do laundry because she is getting to live out a dream. When work issues come up I give input then leave it up to her."
"If a problem were to ever come up I would have enough respect for her to bring it up and we'd hopefully work through it. LIKE ADULTS!" – poi_dog78
This person took issue with the line "We both came to the conclusion that reassignment was necessary."
"HE SHOULD HAVE NO PART IN THIS."
"If the wife's work was really not up to par, her boss would have brought it up to her. If the wife really needed to be reassigned, she would have asked."
"In neither of those situations is the husband involved. BECAUSE HE SHOULDN'T BE."
"I can only imagine the snide comments she'll get now and how this will be used to demote her further, even if there's no 'pay cut', because that's apparently the only way OP knows if there's a demotion or not."
"When you're not a straight White man, it's amazing how companies can demote you without actually saying it." – terrible-aardvark
"Agreed. A lateral move is still a demotion."
"It is what bosses and HR do when they want you to quit voluntarily because they don't have enough just cause to write you up for termination."
"In this case we can't write you up because we are secretly demoting you based on input from your husband. I am so angry for her I want to vomit." – haremgirl6
This person was furious about how the OP undermined his wife's credibility in this manner.
"Did you at any point have a heart to heart with your wife? Did you talk to her and say you were worried about her because she's been looking so stressed recently? Nope."
"Just completely bypassed her, like she's a 5 year old having a tantrum and you were talking to the parents. It does not bode well for your marriage that you can't communicate with her when things aren't going well."
"Also you went straight to her boss, who demoted her (the fact that she still gets paid the same means nothing; if her work responsibilities were cut it's a demotion) AND will most likely not promote her in the future even if she's the most qualified for it because 'it didn't go well last time'."
"How much work has she put into this career to get this far, only for you to f'k it up?"
"And she was 'unuseful' around the house? Dude. Pick up a mop. Do the dishes. Help her get through it, then divide labor 50/50. Jesus f'king Christ."
"I hope she finds out. She deserves to know you stabbed her in the back." – fizzy_lime
This is what the OP really meant to say, according to this Redditor.
"Hey Honey, I've noticed you haven't been very excited about mowing the lawn lately, so I called your boss and we agreed that it would be better if you side-stepped into a menial desk job with no chance of upward mobility."
"Now you'll have plenty of energy for taking out the trash! Isn't that great?!" – angelcat00
Hopefully this husband sees the error of his ways.
Whether or not his wife forgives him will probably depend on whether he torpedoed her career temporarily or permanently with his selfishness. Most Redditors agreed she should keep the career and ditch the husband.
The book Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men is available here.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.