Summer vacations and family trips are all fun and games during the planning stages when you decide where you will go and what you would like to do.
But when you realize there are people coming on the trip who did not bring enough money to cover their portion, the fun can quickly drain away, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor mazymayes was the member of the family with a good-paying job, positive money saving habits, and no children, so an annual trip was workable for her.
But when her family expected her to help cover the expenses of her brother, sister-in-law, and three nieces and nephews "so they wouldn't feel left out," the Original Poster (OP) decided it wasn't worth going on the trip anymore.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to go on the family vacation because I'm tired of always covering the extra costs?"
The OP and her brother had very different relationships with money.
"This happened last week, and my phone's been blowing up ever since."
"I (34 Female) have always been the 'responsible one' in my family. I have a good job, no kids, and I save my money."
"My younger brother (31 Male) and his wife (29 Female) have three kids and are constantly broke. My mom says it's 'just a phase,' but it's been like this for years."
Every year for the family vacation, the OP had to cover more than her share.
"Every summer, we do this family vacation to the beach, usually a rental house that we all split. Except I always end up covering more than my share."
"Last year, my brother said he couldn't afford his part until 'after the trip,' and surprise surprise, he never paid me back. I also paid for the groceries, gas, and even his kids' amusement park tickets because 'they didn't wanna feel left out.'"
"My mom said I was being selfish when I brought up wanting to be paid back."
For the next family vacation, the OP refused to even go.
"So this year, when the group chat started planning again, I said I'm out."
"I told them I'm not going, and if they can't afford the trip without me footing half the bill, maybe they shouldn't go, either."
"Now everyone's p**sed. My mom said I'm 'punishing the kids,' and my brother called me cold-hearted."
"Even my cousin, who usually stays out of it, said I could at least come and 'just not pay for extra stuff.'"
"I'm tired. I feel like if I go, I'm enabling this. But now I'm wondering if I went too far."
"AITAH for saying no?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she was right to skip the trip.
"DO NOT SHARE YOUR FINANCES WITH YOUR FAMILY. It seems that the responsible one now becomes the ATM for the others. I've come to loathe the line 'family helps family.'"
"The only thing I'd ever do for them is hire a financial planner to help teach them to live within their means." - mca2021
"You're not a bank for your family. It's completely fair to say no when you're the only one consistently covering extra costs. It's not selfish to want to protect your finances and set boundaries." - janebab
"You aren't the backup plan. You are the plan. Keep all your money. No more sharing. For any reason. They can live within their means. I spent plenty of years not going on vacation because I couldn't afford it."
"I would never ask someone to cover. I went to Vegas once because my friend invited me, and she had so many perks that almost everything was free. That's the only reason I went. I wouldn't have gone if she had had to pay. I will never understand the entitlement." - amlpkg1966
"Coming from a Latino family, this is really familiar."
"My wife's family takes it to the next level. If you are doing okay, and it's your responsibility to hand out money to everyone else. If you don't hand out your hard-earned money, your family won't even talk to you on the phone. If you bring it up that they should look for a job, you're cheap and stingy."
"If this happens in a lot of families, I wonder if people subconsciously resist working towards a high-paying job, knowing they'll have to pay the family tax." - Jarrus__Kanan_Jarrus
"OP... NTA."
"With what you save, not funding them, you could afford a beach vacation to Hawaii for yourself."
"Tell them that you looked at what you paid last year and realized you could go on a trip to somewhere you want to go for that much money, so you decided to do that. You will be staying on Waikiki Beach and going to see the volcano erupt." - LvBorzoi
Others agreed and pointed out that the family had taken advantage long enough.
"NTA. Keep your foot down and stop being their ATM. You said it best: if they can't afford it, don't go!" - Advanced-Pear-8988
"You're not the backup plan. Your funding their holidays is their Plan A."
"They never had a backup plan because they always expected to be able to mooch off you, and now they're panicking because their funding has just disappeared." - WeOncewereWorriers
"They didn't pay you back for last year, and they are ready to put their hands in your pocket again… Nope. Go somewhere else that week and enjoy not sponsoring their holiday." - Pretty-Surround-2909
"Ugh. I've had family members like this. Went camping and they showed up with no food or anything. All the food we brought for three days was gone the next day, and when we asked them to pitch in to go into town to the grocery store, they suddenly had to work that night and took off."
"Next time they invited us camping, saying that they were gonna go to a lake and that we were welcome to join."
"We declined. They didn't end up going."
"Stick to your guns, OP. You don't owe them your hard-earned money because they don't know how to be financially responsible. NTA." - _A-Q
"She is their whole plan. The plan. Their only plan. If you don't go, then OP's brother and his family can't go. And if their mom thinks OP is so selfish, then she can pay for her own son and grandkids."
"They have all year to save for this trip, but of course they don't save because OP is going to pay their way, so why should they?"
"I understand things are tight, but honestly, let's pretend they get paid weekly. If they saved even just $20 a week for a year, they would have d**n near $1,000. But they won't even do that because, again, why should they when they have always had OP? I know people like this, and it p**ses me off."
"OP, plan your own beach trip by yourself or with a good friend and have fun without being the family ATM. NTA." - Frequent_Couple5498
Some were also infuriated on the OP's behalf as a child-free individual.
"It annoys the h**l out of me when families take advantage of the childless family members because 'they don't have kids to pay for.'"
"They CHOSE to have kids. Not your problem, they don't have enough money. And I say this as someone with kids, I could NEVER expect someone to pay for me." - helpmeimstuckinatree
"This is what I dealt with when it came to one of my siblings. They 'never' wanted kids, had multiple, then complain how I don't understand 'what tired is' as they took advantage of me babysitting, and that I didn't understand what 'broke' is as they blew their money going out with their friends."
"I love my niblings, but my sibling was asking me over to watch them 'just two hours,' so they could go grocery shopping, they stay out eight to ten hours, No groceries, and I find out they were out with their friends, made me miss work, and think I was overreacting." - NoFlounder1566
"I'm glad you stood up for yourself. You can't afford to keep doing it. You need to save for your retirement and other expenses." - Key_Draft4255
"Definitely don't go! You know d**n well that you'll be getting pressured into paying again the instant you show up. Mom is desperate not to end up on the hook herself. That's why she's chiming in."
"And OP, both of them are weaponizing the kids. Mom is doing it, too, to try to make you feel guilty. It's time to just shut off the money spigot and send them cards for birthdays and Christmas. You've paid ahead until possibly graduation." - Salty_Interview_5311
"NTA! Kids are indeed a phase, one that lasts 18 years at least, and that is just looking at the financial part. But the good news is: you can plan this phase, budget it, and save for it."
"OK, things happen, and if the family just unexpectedly lost their jobs or had another disaster (with financial consequences) strike, then it is another matter, and personally, in that case, I would chip in on the vacation, but not as a rule. Certainly not after 'forgetting' a promise to pay back." - MaineKlutz
"You're not the backup plan. You are the plan. Without you, there is no holiday, no fun stuff, no extras, because they can't afford it."
"A holiday doesn't get booked in a week or a month. It takes time to plan and find the right time and place, so why are they not saving for this? It's also a yearly thing, so not a shock when it comes around (like birthdays and Christmas)."
"You've had 'welcome' stamped on you by them for years. Now you've decided to stop being the doormat, and they're not happy. Tough. Build a bridge and get over it. OP book yourself a holiday and enjoy it." - Many_Job338
The subReddit could not stop shaking its collective head at the situation that the OP found herself in, and they applauded her for standing up for herself and refusing to continue funding a trip that wasn't even really for her. If the parents wanted to go on this trip, they needed to do a better job of planning and budgeting for the whole family, not depending on a "fun aunt" to cover the cost.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp