Nobody is sent a mystical parenting guidebook.
If only.
Dealing with an unruly child can be a challenging experience.
And sometimes the punishment that is doled out will be judged. Redditor Distinct_Example147 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for not letting my son have any birthday cake?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My son, 7, was at our daughter's birthday party."
"He kept blowing her candles despite us politely asking him not to numerous times, including a rhetorical question on whether he would like it if someone else did this at his birthday party."
"I could see my daughter getting a tad distressed on her special day."
"So after she cut the cake, we gave birthday cake to all the children except our son."
"Now, certain members of our family are pissed."
"Edit: They are saying we should have just served him last and that not giving any was a step too far."
"For context, we explicitly told our son he wouldn't be getting any cake if he persisted."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Her
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP WAS the A-hole.
"The consequences should have arrived BEFORE the multiple times happened..."
"OP - YTA for not stopping it sooner."
"You ask 'politely' exactly once."
"Then you shut that down."
"Consequences come fast and loose after that." ~ OrindaSarnia
"It's weirdo behavior for sure."
"The entire tone of the post is icky from an early childhood development standpoint."
"Every single moment in the timeline features the parents doing the exact opposite of what they should have and then acting like there wasn't any other potential outcome." ~ Jasonthegr8
"If I had done that as a child even once, I would be sent to another room and not allowed to participate in the celebration anymore, not only denied the cake."
"And that's the proper way."
"If you ruin fun for someone else, you're no longer invited to have fun."
"Mini version of the consequences you'd get as an adult in the social life." ~ Vithce
"No, parenting would be removing him from the room after the first time he tried to blow out her candles."
"Leaving him there to disrupt everything over and over and ignore them while 'politely asking him not to [do the shi**y thing]' over and over again isn't parenting, it's useless fawning."
"This is literally why people regularly have to point out the difference between gentle parenting and whatever complete lack of parenting this is."
"Gentle parenting has consequences."
"Whether he got cake was irrelevant ... the fact is that the parents didn't actually intervene in any meaningful way at all."
"The little boy behaved abominably."
"Other family members apparently think he should be rewarded for that."
"But also, the parents did absolutely nothing to parent him." ~ Sorry_I_Guess
"You politely asked him numerous times?"
"You didn't TELL him not to, and remove him if he continued?"
"YTA for not protecting your daughter and disciplining your son sooner." ~ LateForDinner61
"I met a family where the youngest was a son who was (not) disciplined very differently from his older sisters."
"It was horrible when they couldn’t stop him from roughing (abusing) the sisters’ new Labrador puppy."
"They were so sad. Son was fine…on to other things."
"Puppy was happy- came home with us." ~ ferraricheri
"Kind of TA for not removing him from proximity to the cake."
"If you’d done that after the first time, the problem would have been solved." ~ OfferMeds
"I would understand giving him 1 chance to show he can behave properly after being asked not to do it."
"But yeah, shouldn't have happened more than twice. "
"That second time it would have definitely been a case of 'OK, since you are showing me that you cannot behave politely around this cake, you don't get to be around the cake.'" ~ BeatificBanana
"Why didn't you physically restrain him or take him out of the room until the candles were blown and her wish made instead of letting him constantly blow out the candles and distressing his sister?" ~ GoodQueenFluffenChop
"Exactly."
"It wasn't the cake, per se, but the fact that they weren't able to stop the behavior at the moment."
"A seven-year-old should be able to understand the concept of the boundary, and if the seven-year-old had stepped in at a point earlier, she would not have been in need of such a big punishment afterwards." ~ Unique_Share7140
"YTA for letting him do it multiple times until your daughter was visibly upset on her birthday."
"At some point, 'asking politely' needs to stop, and actual action to make him stop needs to happen." ~ Swirlyflurry
"YTA. He tries it once, and you never need to politely ask him not to."
"You get down to his level and on a stern tone, tell him not to."
"If he tries again before he can get to the cake and adult should have physically kept him away from the cake, and then he shouldn't have had a slice of cake."
"You took way too long to set a simple boundary." ~ Mera1506
"ESH except the daughter."
"As others have noted, the consequences should have come sooner."
"Also, the first time should have come with a statement of what they would be, along the lines of, 'If you can't let your sister have her birthday, you won't get any cake, that would make this expected follow-through."
"Instead, you politely asked a seven-year-old who was acting out rather than telling him that he was to stop and what the consequences of not stopping would be."
"This isn't a thing on which he needs to imagine he can negotiate, or on which your daughter needs to be made to feel she ought to appease others." ~ Ryuuji-Akiyama
"YTA. You didn't remove him from the situation, so he could do it multiple times."
"Didn't tell him what the consequences would be beforehand, and just punished him when you thought of something."
"You have to formulate the consequence as it is happening."
"Now he didn't learn that actions have consequences."
"He learned his parents are di*ks." ~ Crazerz
"YTA."
"'He kept blowing her candles despite us politely asking him not to numerous times, including a rhetorical question on whether he would like it if someone else did this at his birthday party.'"
"Asking politely once, fine."
"After that, you need to nip that in the bud."
"He did this multiple times - why was he not kept away from the cake?"
"Sometimes you need to take a child out of the room."
"This must have been really upsetting for your daughter to see him repeat this behavior."
"No cake, fine, but it's too late at that point."
"You've already allowed him the attention." ~ happybanana134
"YTA for not removing him from the area after the first time."
"Quick action makes for quick lessons."
"All you taught him is that he can push and push and push." ~ ToastetteEgg
"Technically NTA, but I want to vote TA because you sat there hand-wringing and asking a little kid to not do something repeatedly instead of giving immediate consequences by removing him from the situation so your daughter could have a peaceful birthday."
"How many times did she have to deal with him blowing (and therefore spitting) on her cake?"
"Honestly, the moment you saw him heading towards the cake to try to blow on it, you should have grabbed him and made him sit with you away from it, or removed him entirely."
"Would it suck to have to step away and miss that moment?"
"Sure, but it's not about you. "
"It's about proper parenting so the birthday kid doesn't have things spoiled and your son learns not everything is about him and that actions have real consequences." ~ Silaquix
"YTA for not shutting it down sooner."
"You ask him once not to do it again."
"He does it again."
"He is removed from the vicinity of the cake."
"Or the room if he throws a wobbly."
"And, yeah, no cake is a decent consequence to his behavior."
"He is old enough to know better." ~ Puskarella
"It would've been better if your son had been removed from the room until your daughter got to blow out her own candles."
"Asking a child politely to stop doing something they continue to do does not work."
"You let your son spit all over your daughter's cake multiple times."
"Taking him from the room and explaining firmly that this is NOT his day."
"This is his sister's day, and he is not allowed to spit all over her cake."
"I agree with not letting him have cake as a punishment, though." ~ Dependent-Feed1105
"Very gently, YTA."
"We don’t 'politely ask' our children to do what they should over and over."
"We tell them firmly what is expected of them, and then we explain the consequences should they not do as they’re told."
"Did you know he would carry on like that?"
"If so, you should have told him ahead of time that he wouldn’t get cake if he did it."
"If not, then you should have moved him away from the cake and not let it go on over and over." ~ Trekunderthemoon
"Why was he not forcibly removed from the space so he couldn't actually get to the cake?"
"Imagine... Blowing out candles..."
"Billy, don't do that, please."
"That is Flossie's cake."
"Come and stand over here with grandad."
"Hold grandad's hand and watch."
"Now, Flossie, let's make it super special for you because Billy was naughty for blowing out your candles."
"He won't do it again!"
"Not rocket science!" ~ RealHoney4486
Reddit is taking issue with your actions, OP.
Maybe this could've been handled better.
Who knows?
Hopefully, your son learned his lesson.
Good Luck.
