Oftentimes brides and grooms will take the opportunity to commemorate those who have passed in their wedding.
This could come in the form of a moment of silence, photos on the bride’s bouquet, or a variety of other way.
Redditor ThrowAwayQQQQQ212’s future mother-in-law has a specific and somewhat strange request to remember her angel babies at her upcoming son’s wedding.
The Original Poster (OP) isn’t thrilled at the idea and ultimately turned to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
She asked:
“AITA for refusing to allow a photo of my future MIL’s miscarriages at my wedding?”
She went on to explain.
“TW: miscarriage/stillbirth.”
“I [26-year-old female] am planning my wedding to my fiance [27-year-old male] in a few months. Everything is going great, and I love him so much.”
“I can’t wait to spend my life with him. He loves my family, and I, for the most part, love his.”
“A bit of background, fiance has a much older brother. While my future MIL was pregnant three times in between them, all of them resulted in late miscarriages and stillbirths.”
“As a result, MIL put all of her motherly love and attention on fiance.”
“He had never tried a fruit or vegetable before I met him because his parents never made him when he was young, and he had grown up assuming they were gross.”
“(I got him to try some and he loves them now.)”
“As we were planning our guest list, we consulted our families about which, and how many, relatives we should invite.”
“Future MIL asked that we “invite” fiance’s dead brother and sisters.”
“When we asked what she meant, she wanted us to put up a framed photo of the dead babies in the pews at our wedding ceremony and then save them seats at our reception.”
“I was horrified. First of all, we are trying to have a fairly small wedding to start with and a beautiful, intimate venue.”
“We can only have seats for 30-50 people, and I would like these places to be for our friends and family, not people who have never met either of us because they are dead.”
“Fiance agrees that three of 50 seats reserved for dead people is too many. He suggested we compromise and just let MIL put up all three photos in one seat.”
“Personally, I think it’s gross and weird to include any of them. We’re starting our lives together.”
“We want to have a family, and it almost seems like a bad omen, but it means a lot to her, and it’s a fairly small ask.”
“Fiance’s parents are paying for 75% of our wedding, and this is the only request she’s had.”
“So AITA for still refusing?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“NTA: I have no words other than no god d*mn way. That’s the weirdest and creepiest thing I’ve ever heard.” – Worth-Hope4075
“NTA.”
“Your wedding is about you and your fiancé. It’s not about anyone else, or what they want. It’s about the two of you and what you want.”
“I can’t even imagine going to someone’s wedding and there been photographs of dead babies in the pews.”
“I can’t even imagine how traumatic that could be for some people who have experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth.”
“I would be drawing a firm, firm boundary. I don’t even understand your fiancé trying to compromise and potentially choosing to have those photos at your wedding. It’s not the time nor the place.”
“If I wanted to tread carefully, I think my response would be, ‘We don’t know the personal stories of everyone attending our wedding…’”
“‘…and we have no idea whether or not some of our guests could potentially find photographs of dead babies traumatic. It’s not a risk we’re willing to take.’”
“But, I probably wouldn’t tread carefully. I would instead just be firm with boundaries. I think it’s important to have a really clear conversation with your fiancé about this.” – SeekingBeskar
“OP, this is a test….of your fiancé. If he doesn’t back you up 100% on this issue, you should seriously reconsider marrying him.”
“Do you really want to marry someone who caters to unreasonable, even crazy, requests from his mother?”- attitude_devant
“NTA. That would be so disturbing; no one wants to see [these pictures] at a wedding.”
“My husband’s grandmother died shortly before our wedding, so we added an “in memory of” line to our wedding program to acknowledge her.”
“I truly hope your future MIL gets the counseling she needs.” – PikesPique
“NTA. Tell MIL that the photos may be triggering to people who recently had miscarriages, and you don’t want your wedding (repeat, your wedding) to be a source of grief for the guests (and you).”
“Edit to add – maybe you could give her the opportunity during the reception speeches to say something about how she wishes her lost children could have been there.”
“Not that she needs that time either, since it’s a wedding, but if she insists on hijacking a wedding with a memorial service, then something verbal, after the ceremony, seems less intrusive.” – DCNumberNerd
“NTA. Your wedding is about you and your fiance, not your MIL’s tragic past. I understand that she wants to honor her lost children, but this is not the appropriate time or place.”
“It’s disrespectful to you, your fiance, and your guests to have photos of dead babies at a celebration of life and love. It’s also very creepy and morbid, in my opinion.”
“Your MIL needs to understand that this is not her wedding, and she can’t impose her wishes on you.”
“She may be paying for most of it, but that doesn’t give her the right to make such a bizarre and insensitive request.”
“You are not obligated to accommodate her, especially if it makes you uncomfortable or unhappy.”
“You and your fiance need to stand your ground and tell her no. This is your day, and you deserve to have it the way you want it.”
“Don’t let her guilt-trip you or manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to do. She needs to respect your boundaries and your choices.” – Beat_The_Game
“NTA”
“at my wedding, I set up a table with some candles that had a sign:”
“In Memoriam”
“These candles are lit in memory of those gone from our lives, but never gone from our hearts.” – RuReddy4thisJelly
“NTA”
“This may seem like overreacting, but I would seriously consider what you’re getting into here. Not eating a fruit or vegetable until adulthood is weird as f*ck…”
“Of course, in some instances people are well rounded and successful despite their crazy family, but the fact that your fiance supports this idea…”
“…and also has some responsibility for his not eating fruits or veggies, means he has some crazy in him as well.” – suddenly-scrooge
“NTA. Even one seat is disgustingly morbid. Yes, it is sad that she had three miscarriages, but that should be a topic of discussion or a display at a wedding.”
“I’m sorry, but I would put my foot down about this one because putting a spotlight on that at your wedding will cause all kinds of negative feelings g in people, let alone you.”
“Talk to your man and get him to see how wrong this is and help him talk her down.”
“Personally, if I walked into a friend’s wedding and saw a display like that, I’d ask why it’s there, and then after finding out, I’d sit back waiting for a sh*t show to start…”
“…and not be thinking how happy of an occasion today is supposed to be. That’s just way too creepy and morbid. Hell No.” – Cigars-N-Cuddles
“NTA. I’ve had a late 2nd-trimester stillbirth and also lost a daughter to SIDS. I can handle a lot.”
“But being taken unawares, like getting dressed up for a wedding and there being pictures of stillbirths in chairs?”
“I’d be so triggered I think I’d have to leave and honestly would have a horrible few days.”
“Your MIL needs help. Her losses are horrible, and I’m sorry for her, but this isn’t normal, and her losses are also thirty years in the past. This is grief narcissism at this point.” – HarrietsDiary
“NTA, How morbid! My mom had an infant son a year before I was born who lived for 2 hours. She never inflicted us with photos of our dead brother at our celebrations.”
“I never knew he existed until I was half-grown and found his little pictures in his tiny little coffin when I was snooping. I brought them to her and said who is this?”
“And she told me, but it made her cry. He was too precious to her to be putting his pictures up at our celebrations for people to gawk at.” – Narrow-Initiative-80
Many condolences to the bride’s MIL, but a wedding is a day to celebrate your son.