Helping adult children with their financial needs is a tricky situation to navigate.
How much is too much? How long is too long?
A woman is struggling with this question with her husband and stepdaughter. So she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
ResourceOk9109 asked:
"AITA that I told my husband to stop supporting his adult daughter?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (47, female) am very frustrated about this and thinking long and hard and want to know if my feelings are valid. My husband (54, male) keeps supporting his daughter (27, female) who's a single mom."
"Currently, the daughter lives with her mom and is asking him for help nonstop."
"I stopped working for a while due to a very bad accident and am living off my pension. My husband earns enough to support us, but not to the extreme where he'll have too much disposable income."
"Just 6 months ago, the daughter asked for money for dental implants. I happily told my husband to be as generous as he can be since it's not always the case and she rarely asks for money."
"We are very close—I treated her as my own. In our 12 years of marriage, we never fail to fly her and now our grandchild here to see us every year."
"She never saw me as someone who ruined things for her. I met her dad 3 years after her parents' divorce, so there was never animosity amongst us. Her mom remarried first before my husband and she has 2 half siblings from her mother and an 8-year-old half-brother from us."
"We all got along really well."
"After that first time, she kept asking for more. One time it was groceries, next it's daycare bills, then phone bills. Just a week ago she asked him to pay some of her bills because she doesn't have a job now."
"It's becoming a habit and I think she's too old to be asking him for support and this needs to stop. I told my husband how frustrated I am and he was even more upset and disappointed because I'm being unreasonable, he said."
"He's giving her $700 weekly and I just found out yesterday that we are behind on rent. I told him how I see him as a really good father, but I don't think it's right especially when we can barely pay housing and he just shut me off."
"I would still be OK with it if our bills are being taken care of. If i didn't see the notice that we are behind on rent, I probably would never confront him."
"Its been 3 days since we stopped talking. I have some personal savings that I will use to pay for our rent for now but that will run out."
"We paid for daycare, but she only tried to work for a week and stopped because she said she can't bare not to be with her kid 24/7. The following week, she still asked us for help for the daycare bill and that's when I first told my husband no."
"If she wants to be with the kid 24/7 so she can't work, why leave her at a daycare? Then my husband asked would it be OK if we continue helping until she gets back on her own. I was OK with it because my understanding was $700 a month."
"I dont want us to fight over his kids and money, so when I learned it's a weekly thing I didn't mind as long as our bills are paid and I thought it's going to be temporary and maybe she's trying."
"6 months and an accident later, its still the same."
"AITA??"
"I still pay half of our bills from my savings as of today. I lost a leg, that's why I'm jobless now and still in therapy."
"But I'm still looking for remote jobs every day. It's not like I want all of my husband's money when for 12 years, I was the one paying for most of our bills."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I think I might be the a**hole for asking him to stop supporting his kid, but we're talking about an adult here so I'm in between."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"So he's basically giving $700 PER WEEK—basically a whole salary—to a grown adult that is already living at someone else's expense while not caring for his very own actual minor child's in house expenses?"
"Well no wonder she's allowing herself to prefer not to work. It's not sustainable for your marriage, and it's not sustainable for her, as it screams that something is happening with this money."
"Like what is his plan—waiting for his son to be 27 to start paying for him too? Because it's now your house that needs help."
"Helping people that already receive help while putting your family in precarity IS NOT OK. He would be putting more in to your household if you were divorced and he was paying child support and this is highly unacceptable."
"He has to get in check with himself, we're talking about $700 A WEEK, while your rent is not paid. You're way too patient, NTA." ~ whatimidoingherewtf
"NTA. I think you should calmly express your love for his giving heart and let him know that you also care about his daughter and grandchild. But she is a grown woman so his son and wife need to take precedent."
"Explain that your family's new financial situation would be strained by supporting her. But you'd be happy to help her find a new job, maybe y'all can job hunt together?" ~ BlissaCow
"While living with my mother and being a single mom, I maybe needed $600 in help a month. Not a week."
"She's abusing her father's kindness and he needs to put a hold on that. I think we can all agree that OP is NTA."
"The daughter definitely has some skeletons in her closet if she's shelling out almost $2,800 monthly with no need to pay for rent or utilities or childcare." ~ FrogVolence
The OP provided an update.
"Hello everyone! I've shown this to my husband to open up his mind a little and he apologized. He said he needed time to think for days and came up with a solution."
"He's cutting his daughter off. She just called to remind him about the weekly allowance and when he said we can't afford it right now, she just started crying hysterically and told us how selfish we are."
"When my husband told her about our situation and how we couldn't afford the $700 weekly as we were behind on rent, all she ever asked was how many days will it be delayed this time."
"And right there and then he told her there won't be any help from our side anymore. She just hysterically cried."
"I feel sorry for her and we still love her, but if my husband won't stop, it will just get worse. All the help we gave her, we weren't expecting anything back."
"I just felt sorry for my husband who did all that and not even a single thank you but rather screw you for not wiring me money anymore."
"All this while knowing how we are now behind on rent. She sent me demeaning messages soon after and it's fine because she made it easier for us to cut ties."
"She became completely dependent and didn't try working again because she's getting a full salary worth and it's a mistake from our end."
"To those asking, yes she knows about the accident. She still blames us as to why she won't be getting support anymore."
"My husband used to say I have the patience of a saint and I just cracked now because it's too much. We need to care for our own son too."
"BUT since he's still being supportive and everything is being taken care of in regards to our kid I didn't feel the need to include him in the equation. He's a good dad and that will never change."
"I messaged his ex-wife to know how much she's charging her daughter for rent so we could try to do half and she's quite shocked as well. She said she takes care of our grandkid full time."
"My stepdaughter kept on purchasing expensive stuff and she was wondering where the money was coming from, but her daughter kept saying those were gifts. She didn't even know we were supporting her."
"She was surprised because she's not charging her anything and is frustrated because all she does is party every weekend."
"Apparently it's not dental implants we paid for, it's veneers and just cosmetic. My husband thinks he was gullible, but he was just being a good dad."
"He took money out of our retirement fund just to keep supporting her. My husband and I are going to go to counseling, but he apologized and that's a big step."
"My stepdaughter was never the problematic kind or so we thought; that's why we trusted her the first time until it became a habit of just asking and no self-help happening. In a span of 6 months she only tried to work for 1 week."
"I could go on and on but we certainly did find out the truth."
It sounds like the original issue was resolved.
Hopefully it was in time to save OP and her husband from losing their home.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.