Helping adult children with their financial needs is a tricky situation to navigate.
How much is too much? How long is too long?
A woman is struggling with this question with her husband and stepdaughter. So she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
ResourceOk9109 asked:
"AITA that I told my husband to stop supporting his adult daughter?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (47, female) am very frustrated about this and thinking long and hard and want to know if my feelings are valid. My husband (54, male) keeps supporting his daughter (27, female) who's a single mom."
"Currently, the daughter lives with her mom and is asking him for help nonstop."
"I stopped working for a while due to a very bad accident and am living off my pension. My husband earns enough to support us, but not to the extreme where he'll have too much disposable income."
"Just 6 months ago, the daughter asked for money for dental implants. I happily told my husband to be as generous as he can be since it's not always the case and she rarely asks for money."
"We are very close—I treated her as my own. In our 12 years of marriage, we never fail to fly her and now our grandchild here to see us every year."
"She never saw me as someone who ruined things for her. I met her dad 3 years after her parents' divorce, so there was never animosity amongst us. Her mom remarried first before my husband and she has 2 half siblings from her mother and an 8-year-old half-brother from us."
"We all got along really well."
"After that first time, she kept asking for more. One time it was groceries, next it's daycare bills, then phone bills. Just a week ago she asked him to pay some of her bills because she doesn't have a job now."
"It's becoming a habit and I think she's too old to be asking him for support and this needs to stop. I told my husband how frustrated I am and he was even more upset and disappointed because I'm being unreasonable, he said."
"He's giving her $700 weekly and I just found out yesterday that we are behind on rent. I told him how I see him as a really good father, but I don't think it's right especially when we can barely pay housing and he just shut me off."
"I would still be OK with it if our bills are being taken care of. If i didn't see the notice that we are behind on rent, I probably would never confront him."
"Its been 3 days since we stopped talking. I have some personal savings that I will use to pay for our rent for now but that will run out."
"We paid for daycare, but she only tried to work for a week and stopped because she said she can't bare not to be with her kid 24/7. The following week, she still asked us for help for the daycare bill and that's when I first told my husband no."
"If she wants to be with the kid 24/7 so she can't work, why leave her at a daycare? Then my husband asked would it be OK if we continue helping until she gets back on her own. I was OK with it because my understanding was $700 a month."
"I dont want us to fight over his kids and money, so when I learned it's a weekly thing I didn't mind as long as our bills are paid and I thought it's going to be temporary and maybe she's trying."
"6 months and an accident later, its still the same."
"AITA??"
"I still pay half of our bills from my savings as of today. I lost a leg, that's why I'm jobless now and still in therapy."
"But I'm still looking for remote jobs every day. It's not like I want all of my husband's money when for 12 years, I was the one paying for most of our bills."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I think I might be the a**hole for asking him to stop supporting his kid, but we're talking about an adult here so I'm in between."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"So he's basically giving $700 PER WEEK—basically a whole salary—to a grown adult that is already living at someone else's expense while not caring for his very own actual minor child's in house expenses?"
"Well no wonder she's allowing herself to prefer not to work. It's not sustainable for your marriage, and it's not sustainable for her, as it screams that something is happening with this money."
"Like what is his plan—waiting for his son to be 27 to start paying for him too? Because it's now your house that needs help."
"Helping people that already receive help while putting your family in precarity IS NOT OK. He would be putting more in to your household if you were divorced and he was paying child support and this is highly unacceptable."
"He has to get in check with himself, we're talking about $700 A WEEK, while your rent is not paid. You're way too patient, NTA." ~ whatimidoingherewtf
"NTA. I think you should calmly express your love for his giving heart and let him know that you also care about his daughter and grandchild. But she is a grown woman so his son and wife need to take precedent."
"Explain that your family's new financial situation would be strained by supporting her. But you'd be happy to help her find a new job, maybe y'all can job hunt together?" ~ BlissaCow
"While living with my mother and being a single mom, I maybe needed $600 in help a month. Not a week."
"She's abusing her father's kindness and he needs to put a hold on that. I think we can all agree that OP is NTA."
"The daughter definitely has some skeletons in her closet if she's shelling out almost $2,800 monthly with no need to pay for rent or utilities or childcare." ~ FrogVolence
The OP provided an update.
"Hello everyone! I've shown this to my husband to open up his mind a little and he apologized. He said he needed time to think for days and came up with a solution."
"He's cutting his daughter off. She just called to remind him about the weekly allowance and when he said we can't afford it right now, she just started crying hysterically and told us how selfish we are."
"When my husband told her about our situation and how we couldn't afford the $700 weekly as we were behind on rent, all she ever asked was how many days will it be delayed this time."
"And right there and then he told her there won't be any help from our side anymore. She just hysterically cried."
"I feel sorry for her and we still love her, but if my husband won't stop, it will just get worse. All the help we gave her, we weren't expecting anything back."
"I just felt sorry for my husband who did all that and not even a single thank you but rather screw you for not wiring me money anymore."
"All this while knowing how we are now behind on rent. She sent me demeaning messages soon after and it's fine because she made it easier for us to cut ties."
"She became completely dependent and didn't try working again because she's getting a full salary worth and it's a mistake from our end."
"To those asking, yes she knows about the accident. She still blames us as to why she won't be getting support anymore."
"My husband used to say I have the patience of a saint and I just cracked now because it's too much. We need to care for our own son too."
"BUT since he's still being supportive and everything is being taken care of in regards to our kid I didn't feel the need to include him in the equation. He's a good dad and that will never change."
"I messaged his ex-wife to know how much she's charging her daughter for rent so we could try to do half and she's quite shocked as well. She said she takes care of our grandkid full time."
"My stepdaughter kept on purchasing expensive stuff and she was wondering where the money was coming from, but her daughter kept saying those were gifts. She didn't even know we were supporting her."
"She was surprised because she's not charging her anything and is frustrated because all she does is party every weekend."
"Apparently it's not dental implants we paid for, it's veneers and just cosmetic. My husband thinks he was gullible, but he was just being a good dad."
"He took money out of our retirement fund just to keep supporting her. My husband and I are going to go to counseling, but he apologized and that's a big step."
"My stepdaughter was never the problematic kind or so we thought; that's why we trusted her the first time until it became a habit of just asking and no self-help happening. In a span of 6 months she only tried to work for 1 week."
"I could go on and on but we certainly did find out the truth."
It sounds like the original issue was resolved.
Hopefully it was in time to save OP and her husband from losing their home.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp