Everyone has deal breakers that they can't look beyond in a relationship, and it's up to their loved ones to respect their boundaries.
If a life partner decides to cross one of those boundaries, it's reasonable enough to expect that the relationship may end, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Icy-Frame-666 found out about her husband's affair when he was sued for child support for a child who resulted from that affair.
When she realized she wasn't going to be able to keep her life separate from the child her husband wanted to stay in contact with, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure she could stay married anymore.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH For telling my husband that his affair child is not welcome in our home and if he wants custody he will have to move out?"
The OP found out her husband had an affair through very unusual circumstances.
"My husband and I have been married for nine years. In 2021, we found out my husband was being sued for child support."
"It turns out my husband had an affair shortly after we were married."
"It nearly ended our marriage, but we went to counseling together and I agreed to stay in the marriage with the following provisions:"
"My husband was to get a second job so that his child support payments did not affect our household budget and that at no point in time would I ever consider having a relationship with this child."
"If he wanted to pursue one with them, fine. But I have absolutely zero interest in this kid."
The OP stood firm on her boundaries for the relationship.
"So my husband has been getting to know his kid over the past couple of years and recently my husband came to me and informed me that there was some sort of baby mamma drama."
"Apparently, she has to self-surrender in May and is going to be incarcerated for eight months."
"My husband told me that he needed to take custody while his affair partner was locked up, otherwise the kid would have to go to their grandparents, who basically live on the opposite coast from us."
"Their kid doesn't want to have to change schools or be so far away from their friends, dad, and mom (she will be doing her time fairly local to us)."
The couple was at extreme odds.
"So, after my husband told me that, I got up and left the house. I went to the grocery store on the corner and grabbed a copy of our area's apartment guide, went back home, and handed it to him."
"He asked if I were serious."
"I told him I still felt the same way as I did three years ago."
"He said he didn't think that was fair considering the extenuating circumstances."
"I told him I didn't care about the circumstances. His kid is not welcome in my home. If he wanted to take custody, I would grant him an amicable divorce, but I am not changing my mind."
"I am not taking care of some other chick's kid."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were shocked this marriage was still going.
"This marriage should have ended years ago." - Major-Distance4270
"The child will always be there. Seems like you should cut your losses and move on from this relationship. Sad but you will probably but happier in the long run." - ms-eleventy
"Why are you still with him?"
"In no way do I think it's your responsibility to raise this child. But it is his responsibility. And this poor kid didn't ask for any of it."
"The whole situation would be happier and healthier if y'all just split up." - Effective-Help4293
"If she's not okay with him having a kid, well. He has a kid. That part isn't going to change, and the child still needs care."
"Just divorce him already. The idea that she WON'T divorce him so long as he doesn't have anything to do with his kid/leaves the child for foster care or whatever is the bit that makes this nauseating to me."
"Like. Would that really make OP happy? To know that a kid is suffering? Just divorce him." - ThatInAHat
"She told him from day one that she did not want anything to do with someone another woman's child, and he could have a relationship if he wanted."
"I would have kicked his a** out, but she didn't, so those were her rules, and all was fine until the child's mother got sent to prison for eight months and he wanted to bring the child into their home for eight months, after her telling him from day one, she wanted NOTHING to do with the child."
"So she went out and got him an apartment guide so he could find a place for him and the child to live for eight months, simple as that, though a divorce feels to me like it would be simpler." - Rosiedays456
"It's fine for OP to not want to have a relationship with the kid. But it's also unrealistic to think that the relationship with the parent will survive, now that the parent is custodial."
"The life of custodial parents is just so intertwined with that of their kids, it's really hard to see how the OP maintains any kind of viable relationship with her husband now that he's got custody."
"By definition, the husband has to spend almost every night with the kid. Be there for almost all breakfasts and dinners. I mean, the most that the husband can realistically do with OP are times when the kid is either with a babysitter, at some activity, or going to school."
"Once the husband is custodial, OP and husband will no longer be living together."
"It's to the point where OP would be an a**hole to herself if she does not divorce." - Boeing367-80
Others totally sided with the OP but also felt the child carried no blame in this.
"It's not her fault he's a cheating b**tard, but it's also not the poor child's fault both her parents are b**tards. She needs her father." - court_milpool
"This poor kid. I hope Dad steps up and is there for them. OP, this isn't what you wanted for your life and relationship and that's 100% fair."
"You and your husband are on different paths. This is his responsibility, and I think it's reasonable you asked him to move out and take care of his responsibilities alone."
"I don't think your marriage is going to work out, but that also isn't your fault." - Kazbaha
"I'm not going to call you an a**hole, as someone who's been in a similar-ish situation (though with considerably more ambiguity and a very different outcome), but I do think that if you want nothing to do with this child, then you really should consider divorce."
"A child is permanent, and if their existence and interaction with your husband makes you uncomfortable, it would be best for you and for the child to leave. You can find a man who won't cheat on you, too. We exist." - MarsupialExtreme6321
"She has a right to her boundaries and staying strong… you go, girl! But the poor kid doesn't deserve the animosity or anger for something he didn't choose."
"Although I understand OP's desire to reconcile her marriage, it paints OP in a poor light that she would stay with her husband and purposely make him choose to have a strained, detached relationship instead of just divorcing him, which would allow him to be more present in the innocent child's life."
"Although she didn't do anything 'wrong' and technically isn't the AH the innocent kid got the worst of it. I totally respect her boundaries and can understand the pain she went through but walking away would have been best. When kids are in the picture we have to be the adults and prioritize them. Even with it not being her kid, in my opinion, she should have walked away then." - Say-More
"No judgment, but this is the result of you staying with him after the affair. There's no way a child existing can't complicate your life. Kids aren't a side hobby. Period."
"The fact that the therapist allowed the fairy tale notion to exist is wild. Divorce is the best option for everyone including your husband, but especially you."
"But the child's best interest needs to be prioritized also. People complain that people say break up to everything but they fail to realize that this kind of stuff is toxic." - Newdaytoday1215
After receiving feedback, the OP clarified a few points.
"For all the people concerned about what a whip cracker I am in making my poor husband work two jobs... He has never had a full-time job since we have been together. He works two part-time retail jobs now that add up to 40 to 50 hours a week."
"He currently only has supervised visitation with his kid. They see each other once or twice a month for a couple of hours with a social worker present."
"And for those who seem to think that I need to be the one to file for divorce. No. I will not. I am not the one who created this situation. If my husband wants to pursue custody, I have told him I will not fight it. I will grant him an amicable divorce and let him be on his way."
"However, I am not going to waste my own time, energy, and money to do so! He is responsible for getting his own ducks in a row for the situation he created. That includes being the one to go through the headache of filing."
While the subReddit felt terrible for the child, who had nothing to do with any of this, boundaries were still boundaries, and they respected how clear the OP had made hers.
After all, if the OP's husband didn't want things to get so complicated, he could have skipped having an affair to begin with.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp