Grief takes many forms. Everyone grieves in their own way and no way is inherently wrong, but it isn't a free pass to harm others.
A grieving sister turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Throwaway390238 asked:
"AITA for selling my brother's Legos?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I'm 21 (female), and I lost my older brother 2 years ago. He was my best friend and the best person I ever met, and he fought a long battle with lung cancer until he rested on 13 January 2024. He used to be an avid collector of Legos (i know, expensive hobby to have), and when he felt good enough, we liked to spend our time building them together."
"After he rested, my parents didn't want to move or change any of his things out of place, but I needed to get out of our home, and I really wanted to take the Legos with me, because it was something special between him and me, you know?
"I fought a lot with my parents to get this one thing, and they only accepted that i should own something of my brother's when my grandparents got involved."
"Since then, those Legos are proudly displayed in my living room (with a special place for the Diagon Alley set, the first we did together). And every single one of them is special to me, because i can either remember moments of us doing them together or watching him do it."
"But my brother posted every set he finished on Instagram, and because of that, during his final years, more and more people gave them to him as presents to help out in the hardest days. All of this to say that, i still have closed sets, with pieces that were never touched by my brother, and therefore, mean jack sh*t to me."
"I was fired last February, and I have been twisting myself inside out to pay all my bills, but things are expensive, and the numbers aren't adding up, so I guess you know where I'm going, right?"
"I posted on my Instagram stories the closed boxes and announced i was open to selling if anyone was interested. I just need a little more help, I'm already burning through my savings."
"One of my cousins just answered my story like, 'is this your brother's? How could you sell it?' And not even 5 minutes later my parents were calling me."
"We don't really talk a lot (grief can do really weird things, guys), but both of them were shouting, calling me greedy and selfish, saying that i stole a precious memory from them just to make money out of it, and that i was an even bigger a**hole for not asking if they wanted the Legos back, if i didnt want them anymore (i was only selling the closed boxes)."
"My grandparents also called me later and called me an a**hole, because they defended me just so i could sell my brother's things a few years later."
"In my mind, I wasn't doing anything wrong, but I can see their point. I just needed a little bit of financial help. A few of my friends think i'm being insensitive to my parents grief, but a few others think i had the right to sell it, because my brother wouldn't want me to have no food for the sake of keeping his closed boxes of Legos as memories."
"i just sold 2, but i decided to wait, because if i'm doing something horrible, i wont be able to undo it after selling."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I sold my dead brother's Legos, after i had to fight my parents for them, because they didn't want to part ways with any of his things. And i may be the a**hole because, as my family and a few friends pointed it out, i fought with them for those Legos just to sell them later, instead of giving them the option of having the Legos back."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA for selling the unopened sets (sounds like you are keeping the open sets you built together)."
"Your brother had no attachment to them and the family members bent out of shape don't have an attachment to them either, so pretending they do is BS."
"You're not selling them to finance a Caribbean cruise; it's to be able to keep the roof over your head. i'm gonna guess your brother would want you to be able to live." ~ CelticKira
"Firm NTA."
"The boxed and unopened sets have no sentimental value to anybody. Unopened commercial products are just that. Products."
"The built sets have sentimental value to you and only you."
"Your parents already have their grief shrine. Unopened Lego sets will not change its emotional weight. Their presence or absence doesn’t affect the shrine at all."
"Your parents could financially support you, they don’t. How you resolve this is up to you, they don’t have a say in it."
"Your brother wouldn’t be upset by this. He loved you."
"I’m so sorry for your loss, this sounds like a really awful situation to be in." ~ err0rz
"I get it. They’re just things. There’s no memories attached to them. Sometimes you have to do hard things in life, and that’s where you are right now."
"Everyone grieves in their own way and time. You’ve reached a point your parents haven’t yet. Keeping everything the same doesn’t bring him back. They have their memories."
"How many people live in apartments? They can’t keep a bedroom shrine to a loved one because they have to move around. Doesn’t mean they loved the person less."
"This probably sucks all the way around for you. You lost your best friend, your brother, and then you lost your job. You can’t catch a break. You know what those Legos mean to you. This has to be really hard. You don’t need people judging you. You know how you feel. I hope things get easier for you." ~ Professional_Ear6020
The OP provided an update:
"I talked with my parents."
"I don't really talk with my parents anymore, and in my mind, it was only their fault for abandoning me emotionally after my brother died, and in his final years alive."
"But reading the comments, I realized how much I have been focusing on my own pain. So, I reached out to the 2 people I sold to already, one of them hadn't opened it yet and said he can give it to me back after I refund him, and the other had given it to her child (so this one isn't coming back)."
"I called my parents and asked if we could talk face to face about this, and they said yes. I asked them if they wanted to visit my home (they had never even seen my place until). When they got here, I explained how hard things have been for me, money-wise, I don't even have enough to pay my rent at the end of the month."
"We cried a bit when i spoke about why i decided to sell the Legos after all (it is the only thing that i own that even has any value, all the furniture in my condo came with it), and i told them i wasn't try to steal a memory from them, i just thought they fought for it for the sake of keeping every single thing of my brother's, and not necessarily because they cared about Legos."
"They told me i don't have a right to decide what they care about (ï don't). i decided to touch a bit on the topic of why I cut contact, but they said it was also unfair for me to blame them for shutting me out, because i have to understand they went through a loss that i will never understand."
"They also said that for the moment it's still for the best if we don't try to have more contact, because no matter how unfair it is, they said looking and speaking with me reminds them of the child that isn't here anymore (this one hurt a lot)."
"They offered to house all the Legos while i'm going through all this instability, so things don't get demaged or lost if i have to move out, and they promised they will give me back the built sets when i'm more stable, but I don't trust them to let them go, so i just gave them the closed boxes."
"They also told me that they don't want me to be unsupported, and if i need anything maybe i could reach out to my grandparents, and they will start sending money to them just in the case i need it. Just for a while, because they have to process the idea of us starting to have more contact."
"I called my grandparents and apologized and explained everything, grandpa is coming this afternoon with a few friends, they're helping me pack and move to their basement."
"Thank you for every single helpful comment (but not for the people who said things like 'my brother would be ashamed of me', you don't know my brother, don't say things this hurtful to strangers on the internet)."
The OP decided building a bridge back to their parents was more important than financial independence.
Hopefully her parents reciprocate her efforts.
They may be in pain over losing a child, but discarding their surviving child isn't the answer.
