Having loved ones around in times of grief and tragedy is what can keep a person going.
Knowing that there are people out there who love and care can slightly numb the pain.
Sadly, not all loved ones feel the need to care.
Not every family is built to be there for one another.
Redditor denorm1234 found herself in a personal dilemma regarding her family's response to her husband's death, so she turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
She asked:
"AITAH for using the disabled bathroom even though I can walk?'"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"In 2024, my husband (M[ale] 58) passed suddenly."
"He literally fell at my feet (F[emale] 59) and died."
"I was devastated."
"I come from a large family, and I have always dropped whatever I am doing if someone in the family goes through something like this."
"Imagine my shock and heartbreak when they didn’t show up for me."
"Out of 7 siblings, 1 came along with his best friend and 1 of his daughters and her husband."
"I mean, none of them even called me."
"1 of my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw]s TEXTED me to say they couldn’t be there because my brother had cataract surgery scheduled the day of the funeral."
"REALLY????"
"This same SIL‘s nephew passed 2 weeks later, and she came down for this funeral and stayed a week."
"This was in a town that is 15 minutes from where I live, and she never even let me know she was there."
"Now, when they call and need me for ANYTHING, I don’t have time."
"So, AITA for removing my ’family’ from my priority list?"
"For context - Husband and I went through high school together."
"We didn’t date in school and grew up and married other people after school, so this was both of our second marriages."
"He was well respected by all of his work colleagues, and they closed the office so everyone could attend."
"Those same coworkers still call to check on me occasionally."
"We were married for 17 years."
"Husband had 3 children, and I had 3 children from our previous marriages."
"We lived in an adjacent state to where the majority of our families live."
"Generally, about 3 to 5 hours drive from any of them."
"His family (aunts, uncles, cousins) all showed up."
"His grown children and my honorary son, wife, and daughter came to stay and support me through this."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITAH?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"I'm so sorry for your loss."
"It's incredibly painful when you realise that people you have loved and given so much of your love and energy to don't feel the same for you and won't do the same for you."
"Especially when you find this out at the time you are dealing with such a devastating loss."
"Absolutely NTA to minimize your relationship with those who failed to show up." ~ YouSayWotNow
"I would give as much energy to your family as they give to you."
"I’m sorry for your loss." ~ Truebeliever-14
"Grief makes people very, very weird."
"I realized this when my dad passed recently."
"I don't know if it was the right thing to do, but I'm ghosting those friends who let me down." ~ After_Translator_223
"I'm so sorry for your loss."
"NTA. Not even a little bit."
"You deserve so much more than your relatives offer."
"It's for the best that you stop setting yourself on fire to keep them warm."
"Lean into the love you have been shown instead." ~ VarnishedTruths
"NTA. Unfortunately, some families don't realize that the go-to 'support person' may need support during their own tragedies."
"It would seem that's where your family falls."
"It's okay to back away from people who look at you as a resource vs a whole person who deserves give and take."
"I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband." ~ Knittingfairy09113
"NTA. Jesus, I wouldn't even know what to do with myself if I had 7 siblings and only 1 came around to check in with something like this."
"That's nuts."
"My condolences on your loss." ~ socialcommentary2000
"I have 8, and last year I got the only phone call, from any of them in over a year, from one of my sisters."
"Turns out someone told my younger bro I died."
"So at some point, he mentioned it to my sister, so she called to check."
"I'm still in shock."
"Told I was dead and didn't call, text, email, nothing."
"Dont even know how long before he told my sister or before she called. "
"Really drives home how much you dont matter and in fact even less so than a stranger to them." ~ SaurinF
"I’m so sorry, NTA. "
"But you knew that you just needed someone else to tell you, so you didn’t feel so crazy."
"I’ve been there."
"They are just wrong, and that’s on them." ~ Haunting_Ad3541
"That’s actually such a wild betrayal, especially coming from your own family."
"I’d honestly drop it in a group chat and ask why they cared so little about their own brother-in-law."
"I’d make it clear, if that’s how they treat family, then when it’s their turn, expect the same from you."
"Really sorry for your loss." ~ Far-Independent4740
"That’s very sh*tty."
"Was there a falling out at all?"
"For ex, Religious bigotry because you decided not to be a Christian?"
"Gay, trans support?"
"Perhaps they didn’t like your politics?"
"Anything to guess as to why they didn’t comfort you?"
"It’s really weird."
"If my sister's husband died, I know I wouldn’t be traveling to waste my time with them."
"I am estranged from them both, haven’t talked to them in about 10 years."
"They are insidious and ended up being Trumpers whom I steer clear of anyway."
"However, if one specifically called me and asked for me for comfort, I would be there in a heartbeat."
"Otherwise… I feel no pull to automatically be there for them."
"For my friends, my chosen sisters… it’s a different story."
"I would be there from start to finish."
"I would have an innate feeling to support and be there." ~ opportunitysure066
"NTA. Someone on here put it best: everyone wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager."
"You were a villager for years, it sounds like, but you found out recently that you never had a village."
"I see no reason why you shouldn't withdraw your involvement in that village, too."
"After all, what value is a family if it's so one-sided?"
"It's either there for everyone or there for no one." ~ DivineTarot
"NTA. Only one sibling made an effort? "
"Wow. Nope, I wouldn’t expend any effort to talk, spend time with, or help them."
"I bet you have neighbors who did more than your siblings did. "
"That’s disgraceful."
"Even if they hated your husband, if they cared about you at all, they should have made the effort." ~ Spinnerofyarn
"NTA. Now you know. No more anything for them. If they ask, tell them the truth; this they’re doing."
"If you’re not important to them, then why should they be important to you?" ~ Consistent-Goat1267
"NTA, stop dodging these people and be bluntly honest when they ask for something."
"Personally, I would respond with... "'Where were you when I needed support? Oh, yes, you were not here, so NO, you will not be receiving any help from me.'"
"'Best wishes.'" ~ different-take4u
"NTA- If they weren't there for you in your time of need, they should expect absolutely nothing from you in general."
"When a family member dies, you pull together and show support."
"You do not ignore the person who is facing a huge loss." ~ PassComprehensive425
"I'm so sorry for your loss."
"Maybe I'm wrong, but I think you have always been the giver, the supporter, the caretaker, and the therapist for your family."
"They, in turn, will only help someone if they don't have to put any effort, so no, you're NTA." ~ No_Lavishness_3957
OP came back with an update...
"This is to answer some of the comments I received."
"Thank you so much for being so supportive in your comments."
"It’s nice to know I’m not completely crazy for feeling the way I do."
"I didn’t have a strained relationship with my siblings, although we weren’t super close, as I’m the youngest and my closest in age is almost 10 years older than me."
"My oldest niece is only 7 years younger than me."
"I didn’t need financial support as my husband and I are secure in that regard and were working toward a nice retirement."
"When I asked a few family members why no one showed up for me, they said it was just too far for them to drive, yet it was never too far for me to drive to them when they were in need."
"Husband was never abusive in any way."
"He never even raised his voice to me."
"My family didn’t get to know him very well, as we lived in a different state, and for the last 6 years, we took care of his mother, who had dementia."
"On most occasions when I traveled to see them, he was left at home taking care of her, as she would get too nervous and upset around groups of people."
"AND she didn’t travel well."
"That said, I’M their sister, and I’m the one who needed them."
"He was gone and didn’t need them anymore."
First of all, so sorry for your loss, OP.
Your sibling's behavior is shocking.
You have every right to your feelings.
It's nice to know you have others to lean on.
Sometimes, family is just not dependable.
